JOURNAL ENTRY: AFTERMATH OF THE LAST SET OF FLASHBACKS 2024

 

 

AFTERMATH OF THE LAST SET OF FLASHBACKS

I BELIEVE THAT THE LAST SET OF FLASHBACKS HAS BEEN SOLVED AND THAT I GOT A LOT OF IT DOCUMNETED DUE TO MY MIND BEING SO CALM.  I HAVE HAD GOOD SLEEP AND NO INTRUSIVE PUSHING OF MEMORIES.  SOME OF WHAT HAS SHOWN UP INCLUDES MY SADNESS I HAD FOR THOSE CHILDREN AND THEIR PARENTS.  I DON’T THINK THAT I HAVE FELT THE TRUE FEELINGS YET THAT ARE ASSOCIATED WITH THESE EPISODES OF MEMORY.  THE HORROR OF THIS EPISODE DETACHED MY FEELINGS FROM THE ACTIONS AND THANKFULLY MY SUBCONSCIOUS GAVE ME SMALLER CHUNKS TO WORK WITH.  (RIGHT NOW I’M LISTENING TO PINK SING BEAUTIFUL TRAUMA ITS HELPING) IMAGES THAT ARE COMING THROUGH INVOLVE THE LOOK ON THE FATHERS FACE WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO PROTECT HIS FAMILY, THEN THE LOOK OF DEFEAT ON ALL THE BOYS FACES AS IF THEY HAD SOME BELIEF THAT THEIR LIVES WOULD END BADLY, FOLLOWED BY THE LOOK OF SHEER TERROR ON THE GIRLS FACES WHEN THEY TRIED TO RUN ONCE THEY WHERE UNCHAINED AND WHERE TACKLED AND PULLED BY THE HAIR INTO THAT RANCH HOUSE.  IT’S ALSO QUITE POSSIBLE THAT LAW ENFORCEMENT COULD HAVE BEEN PAID OFF TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY AND SO IF ONE OF THOSE GIRLS ESCAPED THE SHERIFF WOULD HAVE BROUGHT THEM BACK.  I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED AT ALL IF HE HAD CALLED THE SHERIFF IN THAT AREA TO NARROW DOWN A CUSTOMER BASE. 

THE NUMBNESS OF PTSD HAS REALLY BEEN APART OF MY LIFE SINCE I WAS VERY YOUNG AND IT CONTINIUES.  I CAN UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE OTHERS BUT THE ACCEPTANCE OF OTHERS LOVE TOWARD ME I’M STILL WORKING ON.  I WOULD LIKE ONE DAY TO ACCOMPLISH THIS THOUGH.  VERY DIFFICULT TO WORK ON SINCE I CAN’T SEEM TO GET A CHANCE TO BE BALLANCED ENOUGH FOR ANY OTHER LIFE THAN THE ONE I LIVE NOW.

THE HANDCUFFS THAT THEY USED ON THE ORPHANES WHERE VERY DIFFERENT THAN NORMAL CUFFS THEY WHERE BULKY AND RUSTY.  I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE AND WHEN THEY GOT THESE, I HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM USE THEM BEFORE.  I THINK THAT THIS HAPPENED SOMEWHERE AROUND SONORA TEXAS WHERE JOE MAX AND STELLA JEAN HAD A DEER LEASE.  THE TERRAIN AND WEATHER CONDITIONS WHERE CONDUCIVE TO WHEN WE WOULD GO TO THAT AREA AND WHAT WE WOULD SEE WHILE THERE.

THE SCREAMS OF THE BOYS THAT DID NOT DIE WHEN SHOT AND WHO WANDERED BACK OUT OF THE FORRAGE STILL RING IN MY EAR.  IT WAS A HORRIFIED SOUND WITH THIS TINGE OF INFANCY LIKE THEY WHERE YEARNING TO BE HELD OR SAVED.  THEY WHERE LOUD ENOUGH TO HEAR OVER THE TRUCK ENGINE.  ROBERT DISPATCHED THEM LIKE A RANCHER WOULD TAKE OUT A COYOTE IT WAS JUST A NUISANCE THAT HAD TO BE DEALT WITH AND THEN DISCARDED LIKE REFUSE.

AN IMAGE THAT DID COME TO MIND WAS ONE WHERE ROBERT ALFORD USE TO PLAY RUSSIAN ROULET AGAINST MY HEAD AND HIS.  HE WAS SO DEPRESSED AND WANTED TO DIE AND I KNEW THAT FEELING, I WOULD CRY THE WHOLE TIME BUT I SAW NO ESCAPE.  MY GREATEST FEAR WAS THAT I WOULD GET IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A MESS.  THAT’S HOW FAR DOWN ON THE EXISTANCE SCALE I WAS.  I DIDN’T THINK ABOUT ANYONE MISSING ME OR HIM JUST THAT SOME HOW I WOULD BE PUNISHED FOR THIS NO MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME.  HE WOULD ALWAYS SHOW ME THE BULLET BEFORE THIS STARTED AND SOMETIMES HE SEEMED TO HAVE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME WITH JUST HIM SELF BEFORE I ARRIVED.  HIS LIKE SUCKED TOO NEITHER OF HIS PARENTS REALLY LIKED HIM THEY WHERE VERY AGGRESSIVE ALL THE TIME AND THEN HIS MOTHER GOT SICK WITH CANCER AND DIED WHILE HE WAS STILL IN SCHOOL.  HIS FATHER JUST CRAWLED DEEPER INTO A BOTTLE AND GLENDA BECAME HIS SURROGATE MOTHER WHO EVENTUALLY SEXUALIZED THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND TOOK FULL ADVANTAGE OF A HURTING KID (I’M GONNA HAVE TO SIT WITH THIS A LITTLE WHILE I FORGOT ABOUT THIS DYNAMIC AND TIMING OF SEXUAL ABUSE, THIS HAS PROFOUNDLY IMPACTED ME.  I FEEL LIKE SINCE SHE COULDN’T GET ME, HE WAS THE NEXT TARGET AND THERE WAS THIS SEXUALLY MOTIVATED COBRA WAITING TO STRIKE AT THE MOST SUSEPTABLE VICTIM) WOW AS IF MY LIFE WASN’T MESSED UP ENOUGH, ANOTHER VICTIM ON TWIN FALLS.  I’M ACTUALLY HAVING TO STOP AND TAKE A MOMENT ABOUT THIS ONE, I ENTERED HIM AS THE VICTIM ON THIS JOURNAL ENTRY. LOOKING BACK I MUST HAVE BLOCKED OUT SO MUCH ABOUT THEIR DYNAMIC OR MAYBE I JUST DIDN’T SEE IT TO BEING SO YOUNG AND SO USE TO HER INNAPPROPRIOATNESS.  THEY ACTED LIKE LOVERS AT TIMES THOUGH GLENDA WAS THE AGRESSOR AND ROBERT ALFORDS FACE JUST TURNED RED NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO AND ROBERT WAS SO ANTI-SOCIAL HE NEVER BLUSHED.  ON TOP OF THIS WAS ROBERTS ASSAULT OF ALICE WOW NO WONDER I’M STRUGGLING SO MUCH WITH LIFE.  THIS ALSO EXPLAINS WHY I WORKED SO HARD TO KEEP GIRLS AWAY FROM THE HOUSE AND ONLY HAD A SMALL GROUP OF KIDS THAT LIVED CLOSE OVER TO THE HOUSE.  ANY OTHER FRIENDS THAT I HAD I WENT TO THEIR HOUSE AND NEVER ASKED THEM TO SPEND THE NIGHT.  THE SEXUAL ABUSE OF ALICE AND ROBERT ALFORD IMPACTED ME MORE AS A BETRAYAL THAN DID THE RUSSIAN ROULETT AGAINST MY HEAD, WITH THAT GAME I HAD A CHANCE OF WINNING WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN MY DEATH.  THE ALFORDS HAD NO WAY TO WIN.

ON TOP OF THIS MEMORY IS THE ECHOING OF THE SOUNDS OF SORROW FROM THE KIDS THAT DIED ON THE ACERAGE.  THEY WHIMPERED AND CRIED AND TRIED TO COMFORT ONE ANOTHER THEIR LIVES HAD BEEN FILLED WITH ONE TYPE OF TRAUMA OR ANOTHER AND HERE IT COMES AGAIN ALL BECAUSE OF WHERE THEY WHERE BORN.  I WONDER WHAT THE HEAD COUNT WAS FOR JUST MEXICANS SOMEDAY IF I EVER HAVE THE MONEY I WILL HAVE TO HAVE THESE COUNTED UP.  I NEED THE MONEY TO PAY SOMEONE SINCE WHEN I GO BACK AND TRY TO REREAD WHAT I WROTE IT OVERWHELMS ME AND CAN PUSH ME BACK INTO FLASHBACK MODE.

MAX, EDITH, ROBERT, JOE MAX, GLENDA, AND STELLA JEAN ALL PRACTICED THEIR ART BEFORE ROBERT RESSLER IDENTIFIED THE TERM SERIAL KILLER.  GRANTED WHAT THEY DID INCLUDED SERIAL KILLING BUT ALSO HAD MASS KILLINGS, FAMILY ANNIALATION, AND SPREE KILLING ADDED TOO THEIR BOX OF TOOLS.  I NEVER KNEW OR EVEN SUSPECTED THAT WHEN ALL THIS STARTED IN 1999 THAT IT WOULD BE A FAMILY AFAIR THAT RAN SO DEEP AND COST SO MANY LIVES.  I DON’T THINK THAT THERAPIST OR CLINICIAN FITS ANYMORE I THINK PHILOSOPHER IS NOW WHERE I RESIDE.  I’VE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH IN ONE CATEGORY OF LIFE, THAT BEING TRAUMA.  I GUESS PHILOSOPHERS ARE LONELY PEOPLE OR MUST SPEND A LOT OF TIME ALONE TO PONDER SUCH OUT OF THE BOX IDEAS.  MAYBE THERE IS ANOTHER WORD TO DESCRIBE ME SINCE THOUGHT PLAYS SUCH A ROLE IN PHILOSOPHY AND WHAT I HAVE EXPERIENCED IS REALLY A LIVED SUFFERING OF A DISSOCIATIVE DIMENSION.  THIS REALLY HAS ME STUCK I TEXTED OUT TO SOME OF MY KIDDOS AND FOSTER SISTER TO SEE IF THERE WAS A BETTER WORD, ONE SUGGESTION WAS ‘LIFE COACH’ BUT THAT SOUNDS SO CORNY TO ME AND DOES NOT ENCAPSULATE ALL THE PARTS OF THE SUFFERING AND PROGRESSION.  I WILL WAIT TO SEE WHAT BECOMES OF MY INQUIRES.

I THINK IT WAS HARD TO CATCH ROBERT FOR SEVEARL REASONS

1)      HE TRAVELED AROUND AND LEFT BODIES FAR AWAY FROM WHERE THEY WHERE ABDUCTED.

2)      HE USED MANY DIFFERENT METHODS AND DIDN’T STICK TO JUST ONE TYPE OF VICTIM

3)      HE BURIED BODIES DEEP AND OTHERS HE BURNED IN HOLES IN THE GROUND THAT HE COVERED OR HE LET THEM BURN IN HOUSE FIRES HE SET.

4)      HE RARLEY IF EVER KNEW HIS VICTIMS BEFORE HE KILLED THEM HE SIMPLY JUST CAME ACROSS THEM.  TRUE HE HUNTED SOME THAT HE SAW AND COULDN’T GET AT WHEN HE FIRST SAW THEM BUT HE DIDN’T KN OW THEM.  ALSO, THE ONES HE WAS PAID TO KILL WHERE NEVER FROM HIS CIRCLES OF CONTACT EDITH AND MAX SENT HIM COUNTIES IF NOT STATES AWAY TO KILL PEOPLE

5)      HE ALSO WORKED IN AREAS WHERE HE HAD CORRUPTED THE LAW ENFORCEMENT IN THAT AREA TO TURN A BLIND EYE THROUGH PAYMENT OR BY USING THEIR OWN PERVERSIONS AGAINST THEM.  HE ALWAYS KNEW A CROOKED COP AND HATED THE HONEST ONE

6)      ALMOST EVERYONE WHO HE WORKED FOR OR WITH HE KILLED.  HE DIDN’T KILL HIS FAMILY MEMBERS OF COURSE OR JIM ALFORD BUT EVERY OTHER PERVERT HE USED OR TRIED TO USE TO BETTER HIMSELF IN THE SEX TRADE GAME HE KILLED.  HE EVEN BURNED DOWN THE LARGE BARN THAT THEY USED FOR THE AUCTIONS

SOMETIMES THESE RULES DIDN’T APPLY LIKE WHEN HE ABDUCTED KIDS AND TEACHERS FROM PLACES WHERE GLENDA WORKED AND THEN BURIED THEM WITH JIM ALFORD OUT BY THE AIRPORT (FOR SOME REASON THIS WAS A RELEASE) IT SEEMS THAT PUTTING THE WEB TOGATHER HAS REALLY BEEN BENEFIICIAL.  I WAS LIVING THIS SERIAL KILLER LIFESTYLE BEFORE ROBERT RESSLER WROTE HIS BOOK IDENTIFYING THE TERM.

A LOT OF ROBERTS PAID WORK WAS THROUGH EDITH AND HER CONNECTIONS TO CHURCH AND BRIDGE GROUPS WHERE SHE WOULD FIND OLD LADIES WHO WANTED SOMEONE DISAPEARED IT ALWAYS SEEMED TO BE ABOUT INHERATENCE IN SMALL TOWNS OVER LAND AND LIVESTOCK.  SOMETIMES IT INCLUDED THE OLD PERSON WHO OWNED THE FARM OR RANCH AND THEN THEIR FIRST HEIR IN SUCCESSION AND ROBERT DID THESE KILLS BY EITHER SNEAKING IN AND KIDNAPPING THE OLD PERSON AND DISAPPEARING THEM DEEP INTO THE DIRT.  OTHER TIMES HE SIMPLY SET UP SOMEWHERE AROUND THE RANCH AND FARM AND JUST SNIPPERED THEM.  A FEW TIMES WHEN THERE WHERE MANY TREES OR HE COULDN’T TELL WHO WAS WHO HE WOULD PRETEND TO NEED HELP AND THEN WORK HIS WAY INTO INTRODUCTIONS BEFORE PULLING HIS GUN AND JUST KILLING WHO HE CAME FOR AND RUNNING AWAY AS HE SHOT AT THOSE OTHER RUNNING AWAY SO THEY COULDN’T GET THEIR GUNS SO FAST.  I REMEMBER MANY TIMES BEING CARRIED BY HIM IN ONE ARM AS HE FIRED WITH HIS OTHER HAND AS WE WENT THROUGH THE WOODS.  HE HELD ME SO TIGHT I COULDN’T BREATHE AND WHEN HE CLIMBED AN EMBANKMENT OR LARGE HILL, HE WOULD HOLD ME BY MY HEEL AND HALF CARRY AND HALF DRAG ME UP TO THE TOP.  I WAS PART OF HIS PLAN TO DROP THE GUARD OF THOSE HE WAS GOING TO KILL.  SOMETIMES HE WOULD JUST LEAVE ME WHERE THEY COULD FIND ME AND WATCH ALL THE PEOPLE CIRCLE UP AROUND ME TO SEE THE NEW BABY AND THEN HE WOULD SNIPER THEM OR JUMP UP OUT OF THE BUSHES AT THEM OR HOLLER OUT MY NAME LIKE HE WAS LOOKING FOR ME AND THAT WOULD DROP THEIR GUARD TO A STRANGER BEING IN THEIR PRESENCE AND THEN HE WOULD STRIKE AND EITHER THE WOMEN TOOK OFF WITH ME OR I GOT DROPPED AND JUST LAID THERE FROZEN IN FEAR.

WHILE WE TARVELED IN THE GREEN CAR ROBERT WOULD STEAL MONEY OPR HAVE IT WIRED TO HIM AND WE WOULD GET A MOTEL ROOM.  HE WOULD SHOWER AND SHAVE AND JUST LEAVE ME ON THE BED.  FOOD CAME FROM SOMEWHERE EITHER WE BROUGHT IT WITH US OR HE DISAPPEARED AND WENT AND GOT IT.  I ATE WHAT WAS LEFT OVER.  MANY TIMES, HE WOULD LEAVE AND THEN DRAG A WOMAN BACK WITH HIM SOMETIMES THEY WERE SCREAMING AND FIGHTING OTHER TIMES THEY WHERE UNCONSCIOUS AND DRAGGED IN BY THEIR HEELS.  HOWEVER, THEY ENDED UP IN THAT MOTEL ROOM THEY WERE BOUND AND GAGED REALLY QUICKLY AND THEN TORTURED.  NONE WHEREVER LEFT IN THE ROOM ALL WERE TAKEN AWAY IN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR.  THERE WHERE TIMES I THOUUGHT THEY WHERE DEAD DUE TO THE LEVEL OF STARNGULATION OR THE AMOUNT OF BLOOD AND THEN AS ROBERT WAS OCCUPIED ELSEWHERE OR ASLEEP, THEY WOULD STAND UP AND MAKE THESE AWFUL SOUNDS.  THAT’S WHEN I WOULD SCREAM SO LOUD, I COULDN’T EVEN HEAR MY SELF WHICH ALERTED HIM AND HE WOULD FINISH THEM OFF AND PACK THEM UP IN THE CAR AND WE WERE GONE INTO THE NIGHT.  THESE MOTELS WHERE REALLY DINGY LOWCLASS PLACES WHERE I KNOW PEOPLE HEARD AND SAW ROBERT BUT WHERE NOT THE TYPE TO TELL THE COPS.  WHO KNOWS AFTER SEEING US LEAVE, THEY PROBABLY GOT OUT OF TOWN TOO.  SOMETIMES IT WOULD BE A PIMP WITH HIS HOOKER AND ROBERT WOULD KILL THE PIMP FIRST AND TAKE ALL HIS MONEY AND THEN THE HOOKER.  THAT’S ONE OF THE WAYS HE GOT HIS MONEY.  HE ALSO ATTACKED WOMEN WHEN HE WAS ON VACATION WITH GLENDA AND GREG.  HE WOULD FOLLOW THEM TO THEIR ROOMS AND THEN DO A PUSH IN STYLE ATTACK AND SAVAGELY BEAT THEM IN A VERY SHORT PERIOD OF TIME DOING AS MUCH HEAD TRAUMA AS HE COULD AND THEN HE WOULD COME BACK TO OUR ROOM WITH BLOOD ON HIS HANDS AND SHIRT AND JUMP IN THE SHOWER AND USE THE BAR OF SOAP TO CLAEN HIS SHIRT.  ( THAT RIGHT THERE REMEMBERING HIM WALK RIGHT PAST GLENDA WITH BLOOD ON HIM AND INTO THE SHOWER LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED JUST RELEASED A GREAT DEAL)

 

ROBERT AND GLENDA DID HOLD IT TOGATHER REALLY WELL AS FAR AS SEEMING TO FIT IN WITH SOCIETY.  I FEW PEOPLE COULD SEE THROUGH THEM SOME OF HER STUDENTS WHO FOUND OUT WHO I WAS REALLY SHARED WITH ME WHAT SHE WAS L.IKE IF SHE DECIDED SHE DIDN’T LIKE YOU IN HER CLASS.  THEY BOTH HELD JOBS FOR 20YEARS AND GOT THE RETIRMENT PACKAGE.  ROBERTS LIFE REALLY MOVED UP ONCE HE LEFT GLENDA AND FOUND MONA SHE BELIEVED EVERYHTING HE TOLD HER AND HAD SO MUCH MORE MONEY THAN HE DID AND AFTER THEY SUED STELLA JEAN FOR THE PROPERTY SHE BUILT HIM AN AMAZING RETIRMENT PACKAGE.  ONCE HE LEFT GLENDA HIS SUFFERING JUST STOPPED AND IT WASN’T LONG AFTER THEY MET THAT MY SUFFERING INCREASED THROUGH FLASHBACKS.  (ANOTHER MOMENT OF CONNECTION THAT I DIDN’T SEE TILL NOW)

 

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I HAVE A TALENT OR SOMETHING SPECIAL THAT DEFINES ME AS A PERSON OR SIMPLY AN EXISTANCE BUT ALL I HAVE IS THE ABILITY TO RECALL HORRABLE THINGS AND CATALOGUE THEM FOR CURRENTLY NO USE AT ALL IT SEEMS, I HOPE THAT CHANGES AND A LIGHT APPEARS WHERE I CAN GET STARTED ON SHARING THESE VICTIMS WITH THE WORLD AND SENDING BODIES HOME.  THERE MAY BE SOME VICTIMS STILL ALIVE FOR THE WHILE GIRLS HE SOLD YOUNG BUT THEIR MENTAL HEALTH WOULD BE SO POOR IM NOT SURE I WOULD HAVE WANTED THEM TO SURVIVE. 

 

I WONDER WHEN AND IF THE PROFESSIONAL WORLD EVER FINDS OUT ABOUT ME AND MY SAGA WHAT NEW TERMS WOULD BE INCLUDED AND HOW CAN MY EXPERIENCE COULD SHAPE LAW ENFORCEMENT IN THE FUTURE.  I WOULD ESPECIALLY BE INTERESTED IN THERAPY MODALITIES AND HOW TO SHORTEN THE HEALING TIMES OF OTHERS LIKE ME.

 

I HAVE BEEN ASKING MYSELF HOW DO YOU HAVE AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU HAVE PHASES OF MONTHS DEALING WITH FLASHBACKS AND CAN BARELY FUNCTION FOR ANY GREAT LENGTH OF TIME.  IF I COULD SOLVE THIS THEN THAT WOULD BE A BOOK.  MAYBE I SHOULD WRITE A BOOK ENTITLED ‘ME AND MY FLASHBACKS’