JOURNAL ENTRY: THE LONELINESS IS HUGE 2024

 

 

THE LONELINESS IS HUGE

TODAY MY LONLYNESS IS HUGE ITS JUST POUNDING UPON ME WITH IMMENSE INTENSITY.  I HAVE TIRED TO SHARE WITH THE BIOLOGICALS THROUGH TEXT AND NO REPLY.  I WENT TO LUIGIS FOR A BIG MEAL OF SPINACH SALAD AND LINGUINE AND WHITE CLAM SAUCE WITH LOTS OF BREAD AND DR. PEPPER.  THIS MEANS THAT I RAN BACK TO OLD BEHAVIOR TO DEAL WITH THE PSYCHOSYMATIC PAIN.  THIS PAIN HAS BEEN PROFOUND AND INESCAPABLE MY LEGS AND BACK HURT SO MUCH LAST NIGHT THAT I COULDN’T SLEEP.  I HAD TO GET UP AND GO TO THE RESTROOM MANY TIMES AND EACH TIME I HAD TO REPOSITION PILLOWS AND TOWELS TRYING TO GET THE RIGHT ANGLE SO THAT I COULD SLEEP.  RIGHT NOW, I AM AT STARBICKS ACCOMPANIED WITH EDDIE TRYING TO JOURANL THIS OUT AND GET FREE FROM ALL OF THIS WEIGHT.

I HAVE A THEORY THAT ROBERT WENT ON THE GREEN CAR RAMPAGE SINCE HE FELT THAT IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL THE COPS CAUGHT HIM.  THAT’S WHY HE FOUGHT SO HARD TO AVOID ARREST AND KILLING SOME WHEN HE COULD.  WE WOULD GET PULLED OVER IN THE DARK ON SOME DIRT ROAD AND COPS WOULD COME TO THE CAR AND THEN PULL HIM OUT HE WOULD FIGHT FREE AND RUN INTO THE WOODS.  THE FLASHLIGHTS WOULD DANCE AND IT SOUNDED LIKE A HUGE FIGHT WAS TAKING PLACE IN THE WOODS.  THEN A GUN WOULD GO OFF SEVERAL TIMES AND THE FLASHLIGHTS WOULD GO DOAN AND ROBERT WOULD COME BACK TO THE CAR AND WE WOULD DRIVE AWAY.  HE NEVER SAID A WORD HE JUST BREATHED REALLY HEAVY AND THEN WE WOULD DRIVE ALL NIGHT AND INTO THE NEXT DAY BEFORE WE WOULD PULL DEEP INTO SOME WOODS HE FOUND AND WOULD CAMP FOR DAYS.  HE WOULD CONTINAULLY LEAVE WHEN I WAS ASLEEP AND THEN HE WOULD COME BACK WITH ITEMS HE HAD STOLEN AND SOMETIMES FOOD THAT I GOT SCRAPS OF WHEN HE WAS DONE, I CHEWED A LOT OF GRISSLE OFF OF BONES THAT HE LEFT STREWN AROUND IT TASTED LIKE SMOKE MEATS.  THIS WAS ALL OVER THE DEATH OF THE TENNIS COURT GIRL.  UNCLE JOE’S ADVICE AIDED HIM IMMENSLY IN DECIDING HOW TO HANDLE THE COPS AND HIS DISAPPEARANCE.

MY OLDER BROTHER TOLD ME THAT HE SPOKE AT HIS AUNTS STELLAJEANS FUNERAL A FEW DAYS AGO.  I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HE SAID BUT I DO KNOW THAT HE NEVER REALLY KNEW HER.  SHE WAS SO LIKE GLENDA SHE MARRIED IN FOR THE OPPORTUNITY OF MONEY AND KEPT THE SECRETS AND TOLD THE LIES TO KEEP IT ALL CONTINUEING THE KILLINGS.  MY GARMMER AND SPELLING ARE SO DIFFICULT TODAY ITS LIKE A PART OF MY BRAIN TURNED OFF. 

I REMEMBER WHEN GLENDA TOOK A YEAR OFF FROM SCHOOL AND I WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH.  SHE STAYED HOME ALL DAY TAKING HER DRUGS AND SLEEPING.  THE HOUSE WAS AN ABSOLUTE MESS AND SMELLED.  LAUNDRY WAS NOT NOT AND SHE SMELLED LIKE BODY ODOR.  SHE SAID THAT SHE WAS SICK AND SHE ALWAYS HAD THE BOTTOM SHELF OF THE REFRIDGERATOR FULL OF THE TALLEST PILL BOTTLES THAT SHE EMPTIED ALMOST AS FAST AS SHE GOT THEM.  SHE WOULD GO TO DR. WE DIDN’T KNOW AND WE WOULD GO TO PHARMAVIES WHERE WE HAD TO WAIT OUTSIDE AND SHE WOULD RETURN WITH FOOD FOR HER CHARLES CHIPS AND SPRITE ALONG WITH SEVEARL BAGS FROM PHARMACY THAT WHERE SO MANY SHE HAD TO CARRY THEM IN THE LIL HAND BASKET FROM THE STORE.  SHE WOULD DUMP THEM IN THE CAR AND AT TIMES SHE WOULD BRING OUT EXTRA GROCERY BAGS AND DUMP THEM IN THERE.  SHE WOULD HIDE ALL YOUR FOOD IN HER ROOM AND THEN TAKE ALL THIS TIME STAKING DRUG CONTAINERS IN THE REFRIDGERATOR.  ALL THE PILL BOTTLES WHERE SO TALL THEY ALMOST TOUCHED THE SECOND SHELF IN THE FRIDGE.  SHE ALSO HAD THIS OBSESSION WITH ROBERT GOING GROCERY SHOPPING AND BUYING FOOD WHICH HE WOULD NOT DO.  WHAT HE WOULD DO IS COME TO THE HOUSE LATE IN THE EVENING ABOUT 8 OR 9 PM AND EAT A LARGE BAG OF FAST FOOD IN THE CHAIR IN THE LIVING ROOM AND THEM TELL ME TO THROW OUT THE GARBAGE I ALWAYS DID THIS SINCE SOMETIMES HE LEFT FRENCH FRIES OR A HUSH PUPPY THAT I COULD EAT.  DUE TO THIS BEHAVIOR I STARTED TO HIDE CANS FROM THE PANTRY IN MY ROOM BUT I COULD NEVER FIND A CAN OPENER AND THUS THAT PLAN NEVER WORKED.  THEN I STARTED STEALING FROM ROBERTS WORK PANTS WHEN HE WAS TAKING A SHOWER.  I WOULD TAKE THAT MONEY AND GO TO STOP-N-GO AND BUY BURITOS FOR BOTH ME AND GREG.  WHEN I COULDN’T GET THAT TO WORK I WOULD TAKE HIS CAR KEYS AND SNEAK OUT TO HIS CAR AND FIND HIS REALLY LARGE STASH OF MONEY THAT HE HAD IN HIS SUN VISOR OR HIDDEN IN A DOOR POCKET.  I WOULD ALSO CASE CARS AAROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND FIND THEM OPEN AND TAKE THEIR ASHTRAY COINS.  THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR WITH A POOL WAS A STASH HOUSE FOR THESE PIMPS.  THEY KEPT LOTS OF SMALL DENOMINATION BILLS IN STACKS AND HAD STACKES OF COINS.  I STUCK TO THE COINS AND $1 BILLS SO THAT I COULD EAT.  WITH ALL THESE SMALL AMOUNTS OF FOOD I COULD FEED ME AND GREG ALL WEEK.  GREG WAS NEVER APPRECIATIVE HE JUST BLACKMAILED ME INTO SHARING MY MONEY BY FINDING OUT HOW ,MUCH I HAD AND WANTING HALF OR HE WOULD GO THROUGH MY STUFF AND TAKE ALL OF IT.

ROBERT WOULD RAPE WOMEN AND CHOOSE THEM AS HIS PROPERTY AND THEN FIND OUT THAT THEY WHERE GETTING MARRIED HE WOULD FIND THEM AND KILL THEM OFTEN IN THEIR WEDDING DRESS FOR HAVING BETRAYED HIS DESIRES.  THERE WAS ONE I SPOE OF BEFORE THAT HE KILLED THE GROOM AND KIDNAPPED THE BRIDE FROM A CHURCH AORKING LOT AND ANOTHER THAT HE BROUGHT TO THE HOUSE OF HATE AND SLEADGED HER BODY INTO THE GROUND WHILE WEARING HER WEDDING DRESS.  THEN GLENDA AND HIM BUILT THAT RAISED GARDEN AROUND HER REMAINS AND KEPT IT UP FOR ALMOST A YEAR TO GET RID OF HER REMAINS.

THE LONELINESS THAT SETS IN AFTER FLASHBACKS IS UPON ME AND ITS ROUGH, I AM USING ALL MY COPING MECHANISMS THE BEST I CAN

WHEN I WAS IN FIRST OR SECOND GRADE AT LEE BRITIAN ELEMENTARY GLENDA WAS WORKED THERE AS A TEACHER, SHE WOULD STAY WAY AFTER THE BELL BEFORE WE WOULD GO TO THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE TO PICK UP GREG.  I OFTEN GOT RELEASED EARLY TO GO TO HER ROOM.  THE STUDENTS WHERE ALWAYS NICE TO ME BUT SHE WOULD CALL ME OVER AND TELL ME WHO I COULD TAKE TOO AND WHO I COULDN’T.  IN THE CAR AT GINGERBREAD HOUSE, SHE TOLD ME ABOUT KIDS THAT WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. ALL I KNEW ABOUT SEX WAS THAT IS WAS NOT TO BE DISCUSSED.

I DON’T KNOW IF I WILL EVER WORK AGAIN.  SIMPLY SINCE MY SKILLS ARE NOT BEING USED SO I DON’T KNOW THE COMPUTER SYSTEMS ANYMORE AND MOST LIKELY COULDN’T KEEP UP WITH THE DOCUMENTATION.  THE THERAPY PART IS EASY ITS ALWAYS BEEN EASY FOR ME IT’S A GREAT SKILL THAT I POSSESS WHO WOULDN’T AFTER SO MANY YEARS ATTENDING THERAPY AND WATCHING GROUP AND INDIVIDUAL THERAPY ON THE MENTAL HEALTH UNITS.  I DO MISS HELPING PEOPLE BUT I AM TIRED OF ALL THE CASES BEING SO SIMILAIR AND NOT REALLY CHALLENGING, SO MANY PEOPLE DON’T PROGRESS AND DON’T CHANGE, AT LEAST NOT PERMANENTLY.  ALTHOUGH YOU DO GET YOUR EXCEPTIONS AND SOME PEOPLE ARE VERY IMPRESSIVE YET THEY ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN.

I JUST WONDER IF I’M GOING TO MAKE IT TO MY GOALS.  I’M OBESSE HAVE A TERRABEL DIET MOST OF THE TIME AND THESE FLASHBACKS CAUSE SO MANY OPPORTUNITES FOR STROKES.  I WOULD HATE ALL THIS COLLECTION IF WORK TO GET LOST IN MY PASSING PREMATURILY BUT I ALSO DON’T KNOW IF I CAN CONTINUE TO DO THIS AT THIS LEVEL