JOURNAL ENTRY: REMINDED ABOUT MY ABUSE DEFICITS 2024

 

 

REMINDED ABOUT MY ABUSE DEFICITS

TODAY AT LUNCH WITH EDDIE HE ASKED ABOUT MY ABUSE ISSUES AND I EXPLAINED TO HIM HOW I WAS A REALLY SMART YOUNGER CHILD WHO MY NANA AND MAMMY WOULD SHOW OFF TO THEIR FRIENDS WHO WHERE RETIREED TEACHERS.  I REMEMBER SITTING ON NANA’S BED AND ALL THESE OLD WOMEN WOULD WATCH AS SHE WOULD PUT THE GOLDEN APPLES ON THE BED AND HAVE ME COUNT THEM AND THEN SUBTRACT THEM.  SHE WOULD HAVE ME RECITE MY ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER.  THEN SHE WOULD HAVE ME NAME FRUITS AND COLORS.  THEY WHERE ALL IMPRESSED AND I KNEW SO MUCH MORE EVERYDAY BECAUSE NANA SPENT TIME WITH ME.  THEN THAT DAY CAME WHERE GLENDA GOT MAD AND ROLLED FAST AND BRAKED HARD INTO NANA’S FRONT YARD NOT THE DRIVEWAY BUT THE FRONT YARD.  SHE WAS ANGRY AND SCREAMING AND SHE GRABBED ME AND THREW ME INTO THE CAR AND WE LEFT.  ALL THE WAY HOME SHE YELLED AT ME, PUNCHED ME AND PULLED MY HAIR.  WHEN WE GOT TO THE HOUSE WHICH WAS NOT THE IRVING HOUSE SHE YANKED ME INSIDE BY MY HAIR THREW ME DOWN AND STARTED TO STOMP ON ME.  SHE KEPT SCREAMING THAT I WAS NOT SPECIAL NOR WAS I SMART OR GIFTED.  I WAS A BASTARD CHILD SHE SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAD.  THIS WENT ON UNTIL I CRAWLED UNDER THIS OLD LOVE SEAT AND SHE COULDN’T REACH ME.  I SATYED THERE UNTIL I FELL ASLEEP.  ROBERT GOT HOME AND PULLED ME OUT AND I WAS IN HIS LAP AS SHE TOLD HIM ALL THESE HORRABLE THINGS THAT I HAD DONE AND NEEDED TO BE PUNISHED FOR.  HE PUT ME DOWN AND THEN SLAPPED HER REALLY HARD AND TOLD HER TO LEAVE ME ALONE AND THAT MICHAEL IS NEVER COMING BACK TO THIS HOUSE.  GLENDA CRIED AND THEN RAN OFF TO WHAT I GUESS WAS HER ROOM AND SLAMMED THE DOOR.  ROBERT WAS NICE TO ME AND LOOKED AT ALL MY SCRATCHES AND TOLD ME I SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME BACK I WAS CLUELESS AS TO WHAT THAT MEANT.  BUT HE DID FEED ME AND DID PUT ME INTO MY PAJAMAS AND DID PUT ME TO BED.  THIS IS WHAT MAKES EVERYTHING SO CONFUSING ONE MINUTE ONE OR BOTH ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU AND THEN THE NEXT ONE OR BOTH ARE NICE TOO YOU.  I REMEMBER HOW WHEN I STARTED KINDERGARTEN I DIDN’T KNOW AS MUCH AS I HAD WHEN I WAS WITH MY NANA AND MAMMY.  I COULDN’T SPELL MY NAME ANYMORE AND MY MIND JUST DRIFFTED TO WHERE I WOULD STARE OFF INTO SPACE FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME.  I LOST TIME IN THE BATHROOM AND OTHER KIS WOULD HAVE TO COME GET ME AND IF WE WENT OUTSIDE TO PLAY, THEY ALWAYS HAD TO SEND SOMEONE TO GET ME SINCE I WAS SO FOCUSED ON THE DIRT I LOST SPACE AND TIME.  THEN I STARTED TO GET THE HAND OF THINGS AND ANOTHER HEAD BLOW TOOK PLACE. I DON’T REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED BUT I WOKE UP IN MY HEAD SMELLING OF FECAL AND URION IM NOT SURE HOW LONG I HAD BEEN THERE BUT THE FECAL WAS DRY AND THE URION SMELLED OLD.  I WAS REALLY HUNGRY AND EXCEPT FOR GREG PLAYING ON THE FLOOR I DIDN’T SEE ANYONE.  THEN I GOT UP AND MY SKIN WAS STUCK TO THE MATTRESS AND I HAD TO PULL MY SELF CLEAR AND IT WAS LIKE SOMETHING HAD BURNED MY PENIS AND INNER THIGHS.  I STUMBLED AROUND THE HOUSE AND WANTED TO CALL OUT TO MY MOTHER BUT MY MOUTH WOULDN’T WORK AND THEN I WASN’T SURE WHAT WORD I WAS SEARCHING FOR.  I SEEMED TO JUST AIMLESSLY WONDER AROUND NOT KNOWING WHAT I WANTED OR WHAT THINGS WHERE CALLED.  THEN GLENDA APPEARED AND SAID NOTHING TOO ME AND PULLED ME INTO THE BATHROOM AND STRIPPED MY CLOTHES OF AND MADE ME SIT IN THE HOTTEST WATER AND MY LEGS TURNED RED AND IF I TRIED TO GET OUT SHE WOULD SLAP ME AND PUSH ME BACK IN AND EVEN THOUGH I WAS SCREAMING IT SEEMED TO DELIGHT HER.  SHE MADE ME PUT OF A DIAPRE WHICH WAS REALLY HUMILIATING AND SENT ME BACK TO THE BED THAT I AHD MESSED IN.  I JUST LAID THERE AND SLOWLY GOT UP AND STARTED TO DRINK WATER USING MY HANDS FROM THE BATHROOM FAUCET.  SHE CALLED ME TO THE TABLE AND HAD GREG IN A HIGHCHAIR BEING SWEET AND KIND AND PLAYING ALL SORTS OF GAMES TO GET HIM TO EAT AND GAVE ME TWO HEEL PIECES OF BREAD AND NOTHING ELSE.  THIS WAS LIFE WITH GLENDA. I FEEL SHE WAS VERY UPSET TO HAVE ME BACK AT THE HOUSE POSSABLY DEFEATED IN A WAY SINCE IF MICHAEL CANNOT COME HOME THEN SHE SHOULD HAVE THE ABILITY TO GET RID OF ME.  IN HER MIND SHE LOST AND ROBERT WON AND I WAS GOING TO PAY FOR IT. 

I SHARED WITH MY BROTHER MICHAEL THAT I HAD FALLEN RECENTLY SINCE THE FLASHBACKS ARE MAKING ME SO WEAK BUT THAT I KEEP GETTING MYSELF UP.  HE TEXTED BACK THAT MAYBE I SHOULD GO TO A HOME WITH ATTENDANCE.  MEANING NO SUPPORT FOR MY CERTAIN SITUATION JUST A PLAN TO GET RID OF ME, THIS IS VERY SHELTON

I OFTEN WONDER HOW I HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR WITHOUT BEING LESS OF A PERSON

I TRIED SADNESS AND IT DIDN’T WORK

I TRIED ANGER AND IT DIDN’T WORK

I TRIED DENIAL AND IT DIDN’T WORK

I TRIED DEPRESSION AND IT DIDN’T WORK

ALL THAT SEEMS TO WORK IS JOURNALING AND LOTS OF IT

RECENTLY DUE TO THE NON-STOP PROGRESS OF THESE FLASHBACKS MY LEGS, EYES, AND HANDS HAVE BEEN SO ACHE AND MY EYES HAVE HAD TROUBLE FOCUSING

I FEEL THAT I NEED SOMEONE TO REALLY LOVE ME ROMANTICALLY SO THAT I CAN LOVE.  I THINK MY LOVE METER IS BROKEN AND I NEED A BOOST TO GET IT STARTED

CLARITY IS BEING GAINED FROM THIS LAST SERIES OF FLASHBACKS AND IT SEEMS THAT THE MOTHER AND FATHER OF THIS MEXICAN HOUSE WHERE MORE FOSTER PARENTS THAN ANYTHING ELSE.  ALL THESE CHILDREN LOOK LIKE A CLASSROOM OF KIDS NOT SIBLINGS.  ROBERT AND MAX WHERE IN JOE MAXS SUBURBAN WHEN WE SAW THIS LONG LINE OF BOYS WALKING IN BLACK JACKETS.  THEY COULDN’T SPEAK ENGLISH BUT THEY ACCPETED A RIDE AND PILED IN WITH ME IN THE BACK SEAT AND THEN THE WAY BACK.  THEY LED US TO THEIR RANCH HOUSE AND THAT’S WHEN WE SAW THE PARENTS ONE OLD LADY AND ALL THOSE GIRLS.  THERE WAS A MAN THERE WHO WAS BILINGUAL AND ANSWERED A LOT OF ROBERTS QUESTIONS.  HE EXPLAINED THAT THE FATHER HAD BEEN A PREACHER BACK IN MEXICO AND THAT ALL THESE JACKETS HAD BEEN DONATED FROM ANOTHER CHURCH IN TOWN.  THE LADY OF THE HOUSE OFFERED US TORTIUS WARPPED IN TIN FOI AND SMILED A LOT.  ALL THE BOYS AND MEN SHOOK HANDS WITH ROBERT AND MAX AND THIS SEEMED TO BE A FORMAL GREETING.  THE GIRLS NEVER APPROACHED AND STAYED BACK BY THE HOUSE.  THE GIRLS WHERE NEVER INTRODUCED AND NO ATTENTION WAS DRAWN TO THEM.  WHEN ROBERT GOT BACK INTO THE SUBURBAN, HE KNEW EXACTLY HOW MANY GIRLS THERE WHERE AND STARTED TO TALK TO UNCLE JOE ABOUT PRICING.  THIS CONVERSATION WENT ON AND ON WITH MAX INCLUDED AND THEN THEY STARTED PLANNING HOW TO GET THE GIRLS AND WHO TO SELL THEM TOO.  THIS SCHEMING WENT ON AND ON THE WHOLE DRIVE BACK TO SHERMAN.  JOE MAX SEEMED TO PULL BACK HIS ENERGY AND ROBERT WOULD PERSUE HIM BY SAYING THAT HE COULDN’T DO THIS WITHOUT HIM AND THAT HE WOULD GET PAID TOO.  THEN ROBERT GOT TIRED OF THIS APPROACH AND STARTED TO THREATEN JOE MAX BY SAYING HE WOULD KIDNAPP HIS DAUGHTERS AND SELL THEM ACROSS THE BORDER AS SEX SLAVES.  THIS UPSET JOE MAX AND IT DIDN’T HELP THAT MAX WAS LAUGHING.  JOE MAX STARTED TO DRINK FROM A WHISKEY BOTTLE.  THIS ONE-WAY CONVERSATION WENT ON AND ON AND JOE MAX DRANK MORE AND MORE UNTIL HE PASSED OUT.  THEN ROBERT KEPT TALKING TO A SNORING JOE MAX.  ROBERT KEPT SCHEMING OUT LOUD ABOUT HOW HE COULD GET THOSE GIRLS AND THAT HE JUST NEEDED TO FIND SOMEONE TO SELL THEM TOO.  ROBERT PULLED OVER TO PULL A PEN AND PAPER OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT SO HE COULD WORK ON HOW HE WOULD PRICE THESE GIRLS AND WETHER HE SHOULD HAVE A BARN PARTY WITH THEM OR SELL THEM OUT RIGHT.  HE WENT ON AND ON ABOUT RENTING OUT A BIG ENOUGH BARN AND MAKING SURE THE BIKERS DIDN’T KNOW SINCE THEY WOULD JUST TAKE THE PARTY OVER AND STEAL THE GIRLS.  HE WAS RACKING HIS BRAIN ON WHO HE KNEW THAT WAS BILINGO AND HOW MUCH TIME HE COULD TAKE OFF WORK.  THEN HE WAS WORKING IN HUNTING SEASON AND HARVET TIMES AND ANYTHING ELSE THAT BROUGH WHITE PEOPLE OUT TO THE RANCHES.  THE BILINGO MAN HAD TOLD ROBERT THAT THE BOYS LEFT AT DAWN TO WALK TO WORK AND DIDN’T COME BACK UNTIL SUNSET AND THAT THEY WHERE PAID IN FOOD NOT MONEY.  THE GIRLS WORKED AT THE HOUSE MAKING THINGS TO SELL IN TOWN OR BARTER FOR WHAT THEY NEED.  WE SLEPT AT A TRUCK STOP THAT NIGHT AND IT WAS VERY COLD ROBERT WOULDN’T RUN THE HEATER FOR VERY LONG.  THE DINER PART CLOSED AND I HAD TO USE THE BATHROOM IN THE PITCH DARK BEHIND A DUMPSTER.  MY PANTS WHERE DOWN AND I WAS SHAKING FROM THE COLD AND THEN THINGS KEPT SCURRYING AROUND IN THE DARK I WAS VEREY AFRAID I WAS ONLY MAYBE 10 AND THIS WAS A LOT TO HANDLE.  IN THE AM ROBERT STARTED TO DRIVE AGAIN AND WE KEPT STOPPING FOR JOE MAX TO URINATE OR THROW UP.  ROBERT DROVE RIGHT BACK TO THAT RANCH HOUSE AND THE BOYS WHERE GONE.  HE SHOWED THE PISTOL AND THE MAN OF THE HOUSE RUSHED AT HIM AND THE WOMEN SCREAMED SOMETHING IN SPANISH AND THE GIRLS RAN AWAY.  ROBERT WAS MAD AND HELD THE GUN TO HER HEAD AND TOLD HER TO CALL THEM BACK BUT SHE WOULD SAY NOTHING.  ROBERT PULLED OUT THE CHAIN FROM THE BACK OF THE SUBURBAN AND LOCKED THE TWO PARENTS TOGATHER AND MADE THE WOMAN HELD THE MAN INTO THE SUBURBAN.  JOE MAX DROVE WHILE ROBERT HELD HIS GUN ON THE TWO PARENTS.  IT WAS A DIFFICULT SITUATION WITH ROBERET SO ANGRY AND HIM WAVING THAT GUN AROUND.  WE EVENTUALLY ENDED UP IN THAT PASTURE FROM THE PREVIOUS FLASHBACK.  ROBERT DRAGGED THEM OUT AND PULLED THEM INTO THE BRUSH AND THEN CHQAINED THEM TOO A TREE.  HE BEAT THEM BOTH WITH HIS PISTOL ASKING WHERE THE GIRLS WHERE HE LEFT THEM BOTH BLOODY AND NEITHER WOULD SPEAK AND WHEN ROBERT WAS DONE THEY WHERE BOTH LAID PRONE ON THE GROUND.  WE LEFT THEM THERE AND BEGAN TO DRIVE BACK TO SHERMAN.  IT WAS THE NEXT WEEKEND THAT WE XROVE BACK AFTER ROBERT SPENT THE WEEK ON THE PHONE CALLING PEOPLE AND TALKING VERY BROKEN SPANISH.  HE WOULD PULL OUT MAPS AND CHART OUT PLACES BY TRACING IT ON PAPER.  GETTING THAT DIFFERENT CAR PLAYED SOME ROLE IN HIS KIDNAPPING PLAN BUT THAT PLAN CHANGED AND HE LEFT THAT CAR IN SHERMAN.  THEY SEEMED TO HAVE MANY WORKING PLANS NONE THAT THEY WHERE SET UPON IT SEEMED TO BE VERY MALUABLE AND SPUR OF THE MOMENT.  STELLA JEAN WAS INCLUDED SO THAT SHE COULD WALK UP THE HOUSE BEFORE THE GIRLS COULD RUN AWAY AGAIN.  STELLA JEAN ASKED MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MONEY AND WHAT AMOUNT SHE WOULD BE GETTING.  SHE WANTED HALF BUT ROBERT WOULDN’T SAY ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.  I WAS SISCK TO MY STOMACH I KNEW SOMETHING BAD WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN AND I WANTED TO GO HOME.  SOMEHOW ROBERT SENSED THAT AND TOOK ME ASIDE WITH HIS HAND ON MY THROAT AND TOLD ME I BETTER GET IT TOGATHER.  (THIS IS HELPING A LOT) GLENDA WAS EXCITED ABOUT ALL OF THIS TOO AND HELPED TRACE MAPS AND PONDERED OUT LOUD ABOUT THE MONEY THEY WOULD MAKE.  SHE KEPT ASKING IF THERE WHERE MORE HOMES LIKE THIS ONE DOWN THERE.  THIS REMINDED ME ABOUT WHEN SHE MADE ME GO TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL IN IRVING SO THAT SHE HAD A REASON TO BE THERE AND START UP CONVERSATIONS WITH THE MEXICAN GIRLS.  SHE WAS ALSO WONDERING OUT LOUD IF THEY COULD GET MORE FOR THE GIRLS UP HERE IN THE METROPLEX.  I WAS SO CLUELESS I THOUGHT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT BIRD DOGS SINCE ROBERT BOUGHT AND SOLD THEM OFETN, IT WASN’T UNTIL I REACHEDSHERMAN AND OVERHEARD THEM THAT I PUT THIS ALL TOGATHER (I FEEL A LOT BETTER NOW)

HOW MANY DAYS OF THIS CAN I TAKE

THE LADY THAT THEY HAD CHAINED AT DORCHESTER AND WHERE BEATING WITH STICKS I HAD SEEN BEFORE.  HER AND HER DAUGHTER HAD COME TO MAX’S HOUSE IN THE DAYTIME FOR SOMETHING.  THE MOTHER WAS MAD AND THE YOUNGER DAUGHTER WAS AT A DISTANCE WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS AND GLARING AT EITHER ROBERT OR MAX.  (THE PAIN HAS RETURNEED AS A HEADACHE) MAX HAD SEEN THE DAUGHTER WALKING AND HE STOPPED HIS CAR AND CALLED HER OVER.  WHEN SHE WENT OVER HE GRABBED HER BREASTS AND PINCHED THEM HARD ENOUGH TO LEAVE A BRUISE.  HE THEN TRIED TO RUN THE GIRL OVER WHEN SHE RAN AWAY AND ACCORDING TO THE MOTHER MAX HAD PLACED HIS WHEELS ON THE SIDEWALK.  THE GIRL RAN BETWEEN TWO HOUSES AND MAX TRIED TO FOLLOW AROUND THE CORNER TO THE ALLEY BUT BY THEN THE GIRL HAD CLIMBED A FENCE AND WAS KNOCKING ON SOMEONE’S DOOR AND MAX DROVE AWAY (THERE IS THE RELEASE)  THE MOTHER WANTED ANSWERSI GUESS AND SHE WAS ACCUSING HIM AND TALKING ABOUT THE COPS.  THE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER HAD GONE ON A WALK TOGATHER TO LOOK FOR MAXS CAR AND THEY FOUND IT.  ROBERT AND MAX DENIED EVERYTHING AND THEN JUST STARTED LAUGHING IN HER FACE AND CALLING HER DAUGHTER A WHORE WHO WAS PROPOSITING MAX AND THEN TOOK OFF WITH HIS MONEY.  THEY LEFT AND A COP CAME BY BUT BOTH MAX AND ROBERT WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HIM AND TOLD HIM TO GET OFF THE PROPERTY.  THE COP LEFT AND THEN MAX AND ROBERT WITH ME IN THE BACK SEAT WENT LOOKING FOR THE GIRL THEY PARKED OUTSIDE A HOUSE FOR A LONG TIME NOT SURE WHICH ONE IT WAS THEN THE MOTHER CAME OUT THROWING CANNED GOODS AT THE CAR AND MAX DROVE AWAY WHILE BOTH HE AND ROBERT LAUGHED.  FOR SOME REASON WE SPENT THE NIGHT AND MAC AND ROBERT LEFT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.  THEY CAME BACK WELL INTO THE AM AND THEN LAID BACK DOWN FOR NAPS.  EDITH WOULDN’T COOK FOR ME OR ALLOW ME ANY FOOD AND MADE ME SIT IN THE FRONT ROOM.  SHE TALKED IN THE PHONE ALL AM TO SOME NOTHER OLD LADY.  THEN ROBERT WOKE UP AND WE DROVE HOME.  IT WAS THE NEXT WEEKEND THAT WE ENDED BACK UP IN SHERMAN AND I SAW HER CHAINED TO A TREE ( I FEEL RELAXED)

IT SEEMS THAT CHARTING THESE MEMORIES IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE

IM EXCITED ABOUT CHARTING TODAY IT SEEMS I HAVE PUT SOME PIECES TOGATHER

I OFTEN WONDER WHERE MY EMOTIONAL PAIN GOES.  SO MANY OF MY CLIENTS HAVE ONE OR MAYBE TWO TRAUMATIC EVENTS AND THEY HAVE GREAT TROUBLE COMING TO TERMS WITH THESE.  I HAVE MANY MANY TRAUMATIC EVENTS AND EXCEPT FOR PHYSICAL PAIN I SEEM TO STAY EMOTIONALLY STABLE THROUGH OUT THEM ALL.  GRANTED WHEN I WAS DOING THIS IN THE 90’S MY MOODS DID CHANGE AND I HAD A GREAT DEAL MORE STRESS.  MAYBE I HAVE BECOME A PROFESSIONAL LOL