JOURNAL ENTRY: THE DISTRACTION OF DISSOCATION WHEN REALITY FILTERS THROUGH 2026

 

This has something to do with how I felt about that eye.  I was shaking uncontrollably and fear had taken my focus and made this scene a very dangerous place.  I was fighting my desire to bolt and run away.  However, in the back of my mind I knew that I had seen far worse and this image of a dead deer that we had killed while hunting and a blond teen age girl in blue jeans and a yellow long sleeve shirt was flickering back and forth and changing spots.  There was an internal struggle inside me to not allow this scene to affect me and to take charge of my emotions and help those around me and this child who appeared to have been beaten to death.  (Right now, my dissociative mind is attempting to intercede with so many stories in my head as it works to distract me from these memories.  It was like when a parental bird pretends to have a lame wing to lure predators away from their nest of eggs.)  My stomach felt bloated and I thought I would be throwing up and then all that happened was that searing sensation that occurs in the back of your throat became palpable and combined with that salty bile that precedes the ejection of your stomach contents.  My whole body was shaking as I turned around to leave and found myself standing in front of my friend Rose and these other girls.  They had come to get us over at the building trades classroom in hopes that we could help.  There I was flummoxed and lost to my own internal struggles unable to assist but angry at myself for my inability to get past my limitations and respond to what I felt was a corpse.  I knew somewhere in my mind that I had handled such situations much better than I was now and my internal dynamic of conflict brought on a self-directed anger that I had not felt before.