JOURNAL ENTRY: I AM NOT A STARSEED 2026

 

I am not a neurodivergent starseed from another planet with an alienistic psychology.  I believe it to be the continual disruptions in my developmental pathways from external abuses and consequently internal traumas (TBI’s) that have rectified such a uniqueness in me that my similarities to other human beings align like a mistimed and out of synch manifestation of attempts to connect.  I aspire to homogenesis but due to my ongoing psychiatric condition I cannot reach an equilibrium with others of my kind and find that not once have I been able to create or maintain homeostasis.  My employment and academic experiences have been plagued by passive - aggressive people who feel the need not only to project their issues upon me but to confront me and make certain that they inform me of their dislike and want to explain just how I annoy them or fail to meet their expectations.  This is another dysfunctional part of my life that I attribute to the avoidant style of my interactive features.  I am not using the term attachment since I don’t believe I ever have achieved that level of connection.  The timing and flow of my interactive abilities lies heavily in my flashback sequencing and the alienation that it causes through fits of anxiety or depths of depression.  Often these attributes become more complicated and even more insurmountable due to the exhaustion related to interrupted sleep patterns and the psychosomatic pain variable that accompany the traumas I relive during my flashbacks.