Nuns who have been removed from their vows

 

(Today is June 1^st, 2026, at 10:15pm.  Nothing about this flashback has surfaced and thus I began another few projects about Trauma Theorists and something I located in AI about recovery positions within a CPTSD survivor.  I had my one creation, but I liked theirs more, so I began to write a paper about those aspects of how my growth relates to their tiering system.  Then wow something huge happened and I will include that here.  Just in case it becomes a crossover for a later date.  I am trying to leave an interactive trail that has the reader moving around my various works so that the obscure does not get left in a corner to collect dust.  Over the decades who knows what part of my entries will help others to ‘send the dead home’ and/or advance the healing of those with CPTSD.  The work that will cross-reference with this entry is entitled ‘Recovery Position Definitions – Annotated’ began on May 30^th, 2026.)

            I was recalling the abuse that I suffered while I attended Lee Britain Elementary.  In that saga I was journaling how it was after I had sought refuge from the slap fest that I endured by the special education teachers.  As I was sitting in the playground trying to endure the throbbing in my face, that flashback began to change.  At first, I was slumped over part of a climbing gym not remembering what had happened to me and trying to figure out what I should do to get rid of this throbbing pain.  Then I witnessed the cafeteria ladies come out of Lee Britian Elementary with their white aprons.  They had aligned these heavy metal drums for pickup and some garbage bags.  I hoped that I would find unopened milk cartons at the bottom of those bags.  Then as I was watching what was happening from across that parking lot the climbing gym changed into a swing and I went from being dressed in hot weather to wearing a coat and enduring the cold wind.  I had my eye on those garbage bags, but they had changed color and as I was walking across that parking lot those cafeteria ladies became nuns complete with habits and wearing white aprons.  Then the smallest one approached me and said many words in what I believe was Spanish and pushed me with both her hands upon my shoulders as if in translation this was a sign for me to go away. 

            These nuns left this scene and these garbage bags, and I was thirsty and hungry and so I dug into that trash.  This bag that I had my head in was not full of food scraps but the materials from some type of obstetrician - gynecologist function.  There atop these materials of white sheets mostly there sat these incomplete babies.  Two had been more progressed than the others and I could see streaks of black hair.  These two were not in embryotic sacks but the several that were below them still had that fluid bag intact.  My dissociative stupor took me, and it all went black.  Someone must have found me since I woke on a lounger type of furniture.  It was an office complete with books on the shelf and that dark siding that most walls of opulence have.  A desk that appeared to be a dark mahogany was in the room and behind that sat a tall thin Spanish looking man wearing that white collar that priests wear.  He had these gold rim glasses, and his fingers were up in front of his face making a triangular shape. 

            I am not sure why, but this has brought up that deep sadness again.  That man was not kind to me he began to yell at me and call me some words that I didn’t understand.  He wanted my name and the phone number of someone who could come to pick me up, but I had no words.  I woke tranquil an at one with myself and this man was forcing me to leave that spot of serenity.  He was now sitting on the corner of the desk that was closets to where I was laying down and he kept using the pointing finger of his left hand to tap hard on the desk as he made these demands.  His language was a mix of English and then Spanish and I couldn’t follow.  He spoke so fast and then glared at me with such intensity that I couldn’t continue to look at him.  His voyeurism was his weapon he must have developed this intimidating glare sometime in his life and it worked toward meeting his needs.  I think that this man would have been called a father and he oversaw those nuns.  Perhaps he was a highly educated man since he had so many leather-bound books and was appointed such a grandiose office.  Serving the people doesn’t need to show this much clout and his demeanor gives me a sense that he felt entitled to mistreat others in the position that he held.  He did not value me as a child nor the circumstance that his people had found me in. 

            I had to sit up quickly and then I threw up phlegm upon his floor.  This was a different type of excrement than usual it felt like I had long noodles that hung out my mouth and had been too long to exit my stomach and they moved.  At this time in my life I had been eating lots of garbage food and spoiled milk was a staple of my diet, but it was the only food that I could find.  Perhaps these were worms I don’t know much about intestinal worms only that they exist and that these things were alive in my throat and as they hung out of my mouth.  They didn’t want to leave my body.  That realization that something was living inside me made me gag even more and then as they struggled in the back of my throat, I began to pull at them and freak out as I fell about his office.  It’s true I was falling into other office furniture and his desk.  When I pulled these worms, they recoiled and filled my throat even more, which made me panic and begin to pull like I was fighting for my life.  As this occurred my eyes watered and I wanted to scream for help, but I could only gag.  I turned toward this man, and he was up on that desk balanced on the tips of his toes crouched down with his finger’s tips holding him balanced as he looked at me with this horrified face.  I thought that I was screaming or at least had made some noise, but when I looked at him, I knew it was him who was making that high shriek.  Then as I was gawking through salty eyes and pulling at these worms and seeing this man as the coward, he truly had all gone black and I fainted.