JOURNAL ENTRY: THE FIRST JOURNAL ENTRY OF 2024

 

 

THE FIRST ENTRY OF 2024

WHILE PONDERING ABOUT MY PAST I HAVE BECOME AWARE THAT I HAVE HAD SUICIDAL IDEATIONS ALL OF MY LIFE.  ITS BEEN DIFFICULT THIS LIFE OF MINE AND THE ABUSE STARTED AT SUCH AN EARLY TIME IN MY LIFE.  I REMEMBER WHEN EITHER OF THE HATERS WOULD BEAT ME AND THE TUNNEL OF LIGHT STARTED TO CLOSE AND THE DARKNESS ENVELOPED ME I FELT I WAS GOING TO DIE.  THEY WERE SAYING THE WORDS THAT THEY WHERE GOING TO KILL ME AND I BELIEVED THEM.  THEN I WOULD BE SO CONFUSED WHEN I WOULD WAKE UP EITHER WHERE THEY LEFT ME OR SOME PLACE WHERE THEY HAD MOVED ME.  I FELT SO MUCH MORE PAIN WHEN I AWOKE AND THAT PAIN INTENSIFIED THE FOLLOWING DAY AND PEAKED AT VARIOUS TIMES DURING THE HEALING CYCLE.  WHEN SCRATCHES SCABBED OVER OR THE BRUISES HAD HEALING RINGS AND I WOULD BUMP SOMETHING AND CAUSE THEM TO RADIATE IN PAIN.  THE SORNESS AFTER A BEATING WAS JUST SO INTENSE AND MADE IT WHERE YOU DIDN’T WANT TO MOVE AND YOU DEFIANTLY DIDN’T WANT ANOTHER BEATING SO I WOULD ISOLATE MYSELF WHEREEVER I COULD AND ROBERT WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE BUT NOT GLENDA TO HER IT FELT LIKE REJECTION AND SHE COULDN’T SUFFER THAT SO SHE WOULD PULL ME OUT FROM UNDER A TABLE OR EVEN MY OWN BED TO SIT WITH HER.  MY HEART WOULD RACE WITH WHAT TO DO AND I FEARED HER GETTING ANGRY AGAIN BUT SHE WOULD TALK LIKE NOTHING HAD HAPPENED AND WHEN I DIDN’T RESPOND WITH A FAVORABLE CONNECTION THAT WOULD RELEASE HER FROM WHATEVER OBLIGATION SHE FELT HER TONE WOULD CHANGE AND I WOULD BE IN JEAPORDY AGAIN.  SOMETIMES SHE WOULD ATTACK OTHER TIMES SHE WOULD EXPLAIN IN GREAT DETAIL HOW IT WAS MY OWN FAULT AND I CAUSED IT ALL.  I COULDNT ARGUE AND I WOULD HAVE TO REPLY YES AT THE RIGHT TIMES OR SHE WOULD ATTACK ME AGAIN.  THIS COULD GO ON FOR A VERY INTENSE HOUR OR MORE AND I WOULD BE SO EXHAUSTED AFTER HAVING PLAYED THIS EMOTIONAL MIND GAME WITH HER.  SOMETIMES I HID FOR DAYS IN DARK SPACES AWAY FROM WHERE SHE COULD SEE ME AND SHE WOULD ACT LIKE I DIDN’T EXIST THOUGH THAT GAVE ME TIME TO HEAL IT WAS A DIFFERENT TYPE OF TORTURE A MIND GAME THAT CAUSED DISSOCIATION WHERE I HAD TO CREATE A WORLD OF MY OWN WHERE I BELONGED AND WAS LOVED.  THAT’S A LOT FOR A YOUNG CHILD TO COPE WITH.

            THROUGH MY EXPERIENCES OF LIFE AND MY MANY ATTEMPTS TO BELONG SOMEHOW, I HAVE NOTICED THAT INTIMACY AND TRAUMA RESIDE IN CLOSE PROXIMITY IN THE MIND, BODY, AND SOUL BALANCE.  BEING BEATEN BY YOUR PARENTS IS VERY INTIMATE PAIN ITS MIXED WITH LOVE, NURTURANCE OR AT LEAST THE SEARCH FOR NURTURANCE, AND REJECTION.  ITS THIS CONSTANT SEE SAW WHERE YOU HAVE TO BALANCE OUT THE RYTHUM BEFORE THEY CRASH YOU TO THE GROUND.  THERE WHERE A LOT MORE CRASHES AND AT TIMES THEY WOULD SLAM ONE OR THE OTHER SIDE DOWN AND CATAPULT YOU INTO THE SKY.  THE FEAR THAT TOOK HOLD OF YOU WOULD STOP YOUR BREATH AND DREAD WOULD FILL EVERY CORNER OF YOUR AWARNESS AS YOU PLUMMETED DOWN TO THE GROUND KNOWING THAT YOU BARELY SURVIVED THE LAST TIME THEY DID THIS TOO YOU.  THEN THEY WOULD WANT TO BE A PARENT AND THEY WOULD ENTICE YOU INTO THE DANCE OF PERCIEVED INTIMACY AT LEAST THE BEST THEY COULD MANAGE AND THEN WHEN THERE WHIM CHANGED THEIR MOOD WOULD CHANGE AND YOU WOULD BE THROWN DOWN UPON THE ROCKS AND DROWNED BECAUSE YOUR ATTEMPT TO BOND WITH THEM TRIGGERED THE MEMORY OF THE GAMES THEIR PARENTS PLAYED WITH THEM AND NOW THEY WHERE MAD AT YOU AS IF YOU HAD BETRAYED THEM AND SET THEM UP FOR FAILURE.  AS THEIR CHILD YOU ARE RECEIVING THEIR EMOTIONAL ACTING OUT TRIGGERED BY YOUR ATTEMPT TO SIMPLY CONNECT IN AN EMOTIONAL WAY.  THEIR CORRUPTED BODY MIND AND SOUL SOUGHT TO DESTROY YOURS DUE TO THEIR WOUNDS HAVING BECOME INFECTED OVER TIME WITH YEARNINGS THAT THEY TRIED TO DENY.

            AS I REFLECT ABOUT MY PAST AND THE HOUSE OF HATE THAT RAISED ME I RECALL HOW IN SO MANY WAYS I LOVED MY PARENTS MORE THAN MY BROTHERS.  YES, THEY LOVED THEIR PARENTS BUT IT SEEMED TO BE CENTERED MORE AROUND WHAT THEY COULD MONITARILY GAIN FROM MY PARENTS.  I WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT WANTED TO KNOW MY PARENTS.  IT FELT LIKE WHEN THEY DENIED ME A CONNECTION A PART OF MY SOUL WOULD GO DARK AND I WAS PARTIALLY DEAD.  AS IF I COULDN’T THRIVE AND AS MUCH AS I TUGGED AND PULLED, I COULDN’T SEPARATE.  EMOTIONALLY THEY HELD ME HOSTAGE BUT AT THE SAME TIME WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. THIS GAME ALWAYS HAD ME AS THE LOSER AND KEPT ME FROM BEING ABLE TO TAKE A HEALING BREATH.  THE COMPETITION AND CONFLICT THAT THEY CAUSED BETWEEN THE BROTHERS SEEMED TO SOOTH THEIR BROKEN PSYCHES IF THEY SAW US GETTING ALONG THEY WOULD THEN TAKE TIME TO REMIND US HOW AWFUL THE OTHER BROTHER WAS OR HOW ONE OF US WENT WITHOUT DUE TO THE OTHER BROTHERS FAVORTISM BY THE OTHER PARENT.  ONE SUCH WAY WAS HOW MIKE WAS NOT ALLOWED HOME UNLESS THEY HAD NO OTHER PLACE TO SEND HIM AND WHEN HE WAS HOME GLENDA TREATED HIM LIKE THEY WHERE CONFIDANCE AND ROBERT KEPT TRYING TO ENAGAGE HIM WITH ARGUMENT TO JUSTIFY HIS PHYSICAL ATTACKS OF HIM.  WHEN MIKE WAS NOT IN THE MIX THEN THIS DIVISION WOULD BE PERPETRATED UPON GREG AND I.  THIS IS WHAT RAN ME OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN GREG AND GLENDA TEAMED UP IT WAS EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE TO A LEVEL I HAD NEVER HAD TO ENDURE BEFORE.  GLENDA WOULD TALK TO GREG ABOUT HIS INHERITANCE AND HOW THEY COULD GO INTO BUSINESS TOGATHER AND RUN A CAR WASH.  THIS WAS ALL THEY TALKED ABOUT FOR YEARS AND GLENDA WOULD TELL GREG THAT THEY JUST DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR A DOWN PAYMENT BECAUSE SHE WAS PAYING SO MANY OF MY BILLS.  THIS IN TURN WOULD SEND GREG INTO A RAGE JUST LIKE HIS FATHER WHEN HE DIDN’T GET HIS WAY AND I WOULD HAVE A PHYSICAL FIGHT ON MY HANDS DEFENDING MYSELF FROM GREG WHILE ENDURING EMOTIONAL ATTACKS FROM GLENDA.  THEY ACTED LIKE A MARRIED COUPLE WHO COULD ONLY FEEL CLOSENESS WHEN THEY ATTACKED A COMMON FOE.  IN DEATH SHE GAVE HIM AN INHERITANCE MUCH LARGER THAN ANY OTHER AND CALLED IT THEIR BUSINESS TOGATHER.  I HAD TO SEPARATE MYSELF EMOTIONALLY FROM MY PARENTS WHEN INSIDE IT WAS KILLING ME TO HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO ACHIEVE THE CLOSE CONNECTION I HAD SO YEARNED FOR.  I HAD TO CUT OFF A PART OF MYSELF THAT WAS CASUING ME HARM AND WOULD NEVER PRODUCE FRUIT.  IT WAS LIKE KILLING APART OF MYSELF.

            JUST A NOTE ADDED TO THIS ENTRY I MISSED CHRISTMAS AT MIKE’S HOUSE DUE TO HIP PAIN.  IT HAS BEEN THIS UP AND DOWN CYCLE WHERE I AM SO FULL OF PAIN IT HURTS TO EVEN JUST SIT STILL.  THE WORSE IS WHEN I FINALLY FALL ASLEEP IN SOME STRANGE POSITION THAT AVOIDS PAIN AND THEN I HAVE TO GET UP FROM A DEEP SLEEP AND GO TO THE BATHROOM.  IT’S TRULY LIKE WAKING THE DEAD AND MAKINF CREEPING BONES WORK SIMPLY BECAUSE MY BLADDER IS FULL AND SINCE I’M OLDER MY BLADDER FILLS UP SEVERAL TIMES A DAY.  I ALSO NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE ON CRUTCHES THIS LONG AND THAT I WOULD HAVE TO WAIT SO MANY YEARS FOR DISABILITY AND THEN MY MEDICAID CARD WHICH THEY TOLD ME WILL NOT EVEN BE PROCESSED FOR AN ACTIVE NUMBER UNTIL JANUARY 6^TH OF 2024. 

            I HAVE COME TO THE DECISION THAT I DON’T WANT TO PLAY WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT ANYMORE.  I TURN IN GOOD CASES THAT SHOULD BE INVESTIGATED AND ALL IT GETS ME IS INVESTIGATED BY THE AGENCY I SENT IT TOO.  IT MAKES FOR AN EXHAUSTIVE EXISTANCE AND IN WAYS IT JUST ADDS TO THE ABUSE THAT I HAVE ALREADY ENDURED.  I NEED TO WIN THE LOTTERY AND THEN HIRE RETIRED DETECIVES FROM EACH OF THESE AGENCIES TO DO THE ACTUAL WORK.  I MAY NEVER FIND JUSTICE FOR THE VICTIMS BUT I MUST STILL TRY MY BEST TO BALANCE THE SCALES OF GOOD AND EVIL. 

            I KNOW THAT I WRITE A GREAT DEAL ABOUT THE ABUSE AND TRAUMA CAUSED BY ROBERT AND GLENDA IN THE HOUSE OF HATE.  BUT I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT THEY KEPT JOBS AT THE SAME PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT LONG ENOUGH TO GAIN RETIRMENT.  SOMETHING THAT I HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO DO MYSELF AND I ALSO ENDED UP ON DISABILITY DUE TO MY BODY AND MINDS INABILITY TO SUCCESFULLY ENDURE THE TRAUMA.  ROBERT PLUS GLENDA EQUALED ME BUT AT LEAST I NEVER TRAUMATIZED ANOTHER.

            I REMEMBER JUNIOR HIGH BEING THE MOST DIFFICULT TIME OF MY EDUCATIONAL PROCESS AS IT REALTES TO MY ABUSE.  I MISSED MANY DAYS OF SCHOOL AND FOUND MYSELF IN THE NURSES STATION MANY TIMES DUE TO ACHES AND PAIN.  WHAT I WAS TOO YOUNG TO PUT TOGATHER WAS THAT THIS WAS PSYCHOSYMATIC PAIN FROM THE STRESS OF MY ABUSE.  ALSO, UNKOWN TO MY CONSCIENCIOUS STATE BUT HELD TIGHTLY IN MY SUB-CONSCIOUS WAS THE MEMORIES OF MRS. ALFORD AND THE GIRLS I SAW HER TORTURE AND THE VICE PRINCIPALE WHO BEAT ME UP AND WANTED TO KILL ME ONLY TO FIND OUT HE WAS A CLIENT OF ROBERTS WHO SOLD MEXICAN GIRLS FOR PROSTITUTION.  THESE TWO REGULARY BEAT ME AT SCHOOL AFRAID THAT I WOULD LET THEIR SECRETS OUT BUT WHAT THEY DIDN’T KNOW IS THAT I HAD ALREADY REPRESSED THOSE TRAUMAS AND WOULD ALSO REPRESS THEIR ATTACKS AND THREATS TO KEEP QUITE UNTIL MUCH LATER IN LIFE.  THEY HAD NOTHING TO FEAR FROM ME BUT IT DROVE THEM CRAZY THAT I WAS A LIVING WITNESS. 

            THERE WHERE TIMES IN MY LIFE WHERE GLENDA WOULD DO THINGS THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHE WAS TRYING TO WALK ME DOWN THE PATH OF ROBERT.  ONE DAY AROUND CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS MAYBE 18 I ARRIVED AT THE HOUSE AND GLENDA HAD A LITTLE GIRL WITH HER THAT WAS MAYBE ABOUT 3.  GLENDA EXPLAINED TO ME THAT SHE HAD BEEN AT WAFFLE HOUSE AND THIS WAITRESS HAD BROUGHT HER DAUGHTER WITH HER SINCE SHE HAD NO ONE ELSE TO WATCH HER.  GLENDA THEN OFFERED TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND BROUGHT HER TO THE HOUSE OF HATE WHERE SHE KNOWS A CHILD SERIAL KILLER RESIDES.  THEN SHE INFORMED ME THAT SHE DID THIS SO I COULD BABY SIT THIS CHILD.  THIS WHOLE THING WAS SO SKETCHY I DIDN’T KNOW GLENDA TO GO TO WAFFLE HOUSE BY HERSELF AND THEN TO BRING A CHILD SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOME WOW WHAT DYSFUNCTION.  I DID TAKE CARE OF THIS CHILD AND WE DID PLAY A LOT OF GAMES IN THE LIVING ROOM AND THEN IT WAS TIME FOR HER TO GO HOME AND GLENDA TOOK THIS CHILD BY HERSELF TO WHERE THIS CHILD CAME FROM.  MY MEMORIES WHERE HIDDEN FROM ME UNTIL 1999 GLENDAS MEMORIES WHERE INTACT AND SHE PUT THAT CHILD AT AN AWFUL RISK.  THIS ADDS TO THE MEMORIES I HAVE OF GLENDA SETTING PEOPLE UP TO BE MURDERED BY ROBERT.  ALSO, WHEN SHE WOULD SET ME UP TO BE BEATEN BY HER.  WHAT GAMES THIS WOMAN WOULD PLAY.

            FLASHBACKS THAT I HAVE ALREADY HAD KEEP POPPING UP IN MY HEAD.  I REMEMBER WHEN ROBERT WOULD CHAIN UP WOMEN THAT GLENDA WAS MAD AT TO TREES BY THE NECK IN THE THICKEST PARTS OF BRUSH IN THE MOST RURAL AREA HE COULD FIND.  THEN HE WOULD BRING HER AND ME BACK TO SEE HOW THESE WOMEN HAD REGRESSED INTO DISPAIR.  THEY WOULD PULL THERE HAIR OUT THEY WHERE DIRTY AND WOULD BEG AND PLEAD TO BE RELEASED. ROBERT AND GLENDA WOULD JUST LAUGH AND GLENDA WOULD SNUGGLE WITH ROBERT AS IF THIS ANGUISH SOMEHOW INCREASED THERE INTIMACY AND ENJOYMENT OF ONE ANOTHERS COMPANY.  IM NOT SURE IF ROBERT LEARNED THIS FROM MAX OR NOT BUT HE CERATAINLY KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING AND WOULD HAVE THE CHAIN PADLOCKED AROUND THEIR NECKS BEFORE HE EVEN PULLED THEM OUT OF THE CAR. 

            IM STARTING TO RECALL HOW MAX CARRIED SEVERAL CHAINS ABOUT 10 FEET EACH IN THE BED OF HIS TRUCK AND HOW HE HAD MANY PADLOCKS DANGLING FROM ONE CENTRAL PADLOCK AND HE HAD AN EXTRA KEY HOLDER THAT HAD ALL THESE SMALL KEYS ON THEM.  I WAS YOUNG MAYBE 6 AND I WAS OUT WITH HIM TO FEED THE CATTLE IN THE DORCHESTER ACERAGE.  HE WAS SMILING AND SEEMED IN A GOOD MOOD WHICH HE NEVER WAS.  USUALLY HE INSULTED ME AND WOULD TRY AND HIT ME OR PINCH ME FOR HIS OWN AMUSMENT.  WE HAD MADE IT PAST THE GATE AND INTO THE PADDOCK ABOUT 100 YARDS AND INSTEAD OF FOLLOWING THE PATH TO THE LEFT HE PULLED TO THE RIGHT TO THE EDGE OF WHERE THE MESQUITE TREES STARTED AND HE TOLD ME TO GET OUT.  I DID AND I JUST STOOD BY THE PASSENGER DOOR OF THE TRUCK.  THIS WAILING STARTED AND THEN SCREAMS AND A BLOND HEADED WOMAN WHO WAS NAKED APPEARED AND SHE HAD A CHAIN AROUND HER NECK SHE WAS BRUISED DIRTY AND HAD MANY SMALL RED ABRAISIANS ALL OVER HER BODY LIKE SHE HAD BEEN IN THORNS.  SHE WAS TALKING WITH A HORSED VOICE AS IF SHE HAD WORE HER THROAT OUT SCREAMING.  MAX SAID, ‘THEY BEEN OUT LOOKING FOR YOU, YOUR HUSBAND IS AWFULLY WORRIED’ THEN SHE STARTED TO CRY AND MAX RAN AT HER WITH THIS HORSE WHIP THING AND JUST KEPT STRIKING HER SAYING THINGS TO HER BUT I COULDN’T HEAR WHAT IT WAS DUE TO HER SCREAMS.  HE HAD HER BY THE HAIR AND SHE WAS ON HER KNEES MORE BLOODY THAN SHE HAD BEEN BEFORE.  SO MAYBE HE HAD MADE THIS CHERRY RED MARKS ON HER EARLIER.  MAX WAS CALLING OUT TO ME TO COME SEE HIS NEW DOG AND THAT HE WAS TEACHING HER TO HEEL.  HE KEPT TELLING THIS LADY TO BARK LIKE A DOG.  SHE JUST LOOKED SO DEFEATED AND AS IF SHE HAD GIVEN UP AND WAS JUST WAITING TO DIE (I’VE BEEN THERE BEFORE WITH BOTH GLENDA AND ROBERT).  MAX WAS YELLING AT ME TO GET OVER THERE WHERE HE WAS BUT I WOULDN’T MOVE AND EVENTUALLY HE WENT BACK TO HITTING HER WITH THAT WHIP ON A STICK AND WHEN SHE FELL BACK, HE KICKED HER WITH HIS BOOTS AND STOMPED ON HER.  THEN HE WAS TAKING LIMBS HE HAD FOUND AND WAS HITTING HER AS HARD AS HE COULD AND THEN URINATED ON HER WHILE CALLING HER ALL SORTS OF CURSE WORDS.  (I GET SO TIRED OF HAVING TO REVEAL THERE SADISTIC BEHAVIORS AND ACTS, RIGHT NOW MY BACK IS KILLING ME AND MY HANDS ARE ACHING)  HE THEN GOT INTO THE TRUCK AND I WAS ALREADY IN I WAS FRIEGHTENED AND JUST SO UNSURE IF WHAT I HAD SEEN WAS REAL.  THEN HE TURNED THE TRUCK AROUND AND WE SLOWLY DROVE DOWN TO THE CATTLE AND HE WAS GOING ON AND ON THAT WHEN HE CALLS ME I DO WHAT HE SAYS.  THAT WOMEN ARE WHORES WHO NEED TO KNOW THERE PLACE AND IM NO BETTER THAN HE IS.  WELL I GUESS THIS IS WHAT WAS BRINING ALL THIS STUFF UP FOR THE PAST SEVEARL DAYS ANOTHER VICTIM THAT NEVER ESCAPED AND MET THERE END CHAINED TO A TREE SLOWLY BEATEN TO DEATH BY TORTURE AND EXPOSURE.  THIS CAUGHT ME TOTALLY OFF GUARD IT’S BEEN SO LONG THAT I THOUGHT I HAD REMEMBERED ALL THE DEATHS BY NOW.

            IN THIS MIXTURE OF THINGS COMING TO THE SURFACE IN RANDOM UNORGANZIED WAYS I RECALL HOW GLENDA WOULD GET CALLED TO SUBSTITUTE AT VARIOUS SCHOOLS USUALLY ALL BLACK STUDENTS AND SHE HAD NO WHERE FOR ME TO GO AND I WOULD SIT UNDER HER DESK AND WAS TOLD NOT TO MAKE A SOUND.  I WOULD SIT THERE THE WHOLE DAY AFRAID OF MAKING HER MAD AND AFRAID OF THE CHILDREN.  THE STUDENTS WHERE ALWAYS NICE TO ME AND SMILED AT ME AND SOME CALLED ME SHYFACE.  ITS JUST THAT THEY WHERE SO TALL COMPARED TO ME AND TALKED SO FAST IN WORDS AND GESTURES I DIDN’T ALWAYS UNDERSTAND.  ITS DURING SITUATIONS LIKE THIS WHERE SHE WOULD TAKE ME TO HER SCHOOL AND WHILE THERE I WOULD HEAR HER INSULT OTHER TEACHERS AND THREATEN OTHERS.  NO ONE STOOD UP TO HER THEY WOULD JUST QUICKLY WALK AWAY AND STAY AWAY.  SOMETIMES OLDER WOMEN WOULD WALK IN AND TELL HER TO COLLECT HER THINGS THAT SHE IS DONE FOR THE DAY AND THEN THEY WOULD WAIT FOR HER BY THE DOOR AND WALK BOTH GLENDA AND I OUT THE FRONT DOOR.  GLENDA WOULD MAKE COMMENTS ABOUT HER PAYCHECK AND THAT SHE WAS MORE EDUCATED THAN ANYONE THERE.  THIS WOULD LEAD TO US GOING TO THE CAR AND I COULDN’T WORK THE DOOR HANDLE.  SHE WOULD EITHER OPEN THE PASSENGER DOOR AND THEN WHILE I WAS GETTING IN SHE WOULD SLAM IT ON ME OR SHE WOULD PULL ME TO HER DRIVER DOOR AND TRY TO SWING THE DOOR OPEN SO FAST THAT IT WOULD CATCH ME HARD.  IW OULD TRY AND GET INTO THE BACK SEAT B UT SHE WOULD STOP ME AND PUSH ME INTO THE FRONT FLOOR BOARD AND ALL THE WAY HOME SHE WOULD SCREAM AT ME AND TELL ME IT WAS ALL MY FAULT AND TRY TO SCRATCH AT ME AND GARB MY SHIRT PULL ME CLOSE AND THEN HIT ME HARD IN THE HEAD AND FACE.  IF IT WAS A LONG DRIVE HOME SHE MIGHT CALM DOWN BEFORE WE GET HOME BUT IF IT WAS A SHORT DRIVE OR SHE PULLED OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD THE BEATING WOULD BE INTENSE AND OFETN END WITH ME PASSING OUT AND WAKING UP IN THE FLOORBOARD SOMETIMES IN THE DARK AND NOT KNWOING WHERE I WAS.  I WOULD HAVE TO UNCURL MYSELF FROM A FETAL POSTION AND THEN FEEL AROUND TO GET TO THE DOOR.  IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT TO OPEN AND SOMETIMES I HAD TO WORK FOR A LONG TIME ON THE WINDOW TO LOWER IT ENOUGH TO SLIP OUT.  THEN I WOULD MAKE IT TO THE FRONT DOOR IF IT WAS LOCKED, I SLEPT OUTSIDE IF IT WAS UNLOCKED, I WOULD SNEAK TO MY ROOM AND HIDE IN MY CLOSET IF I HAD ONE.  THE NEXT DAY SHE MAY OR MAY NOT GET UP AND I MAY OR MAY NOT BE FED, THIS COULD LAST SEVERAL DAYS AND I COULDN’T ALWAYS GET THE REFRIDGERTOR DOOR OPEN.  I COULD REACH THE LOAF OF BREAD ON THE CABINET SOMETIMES CRACKERS UP ON THE HIGH CUBBARD AND DRINK WITH MY MOUTH ON THE FAUCET.  I HAD NO IDEA WHERE ROBERT WAS HE WOULD GO AND COME AT VARIOUS INTERVELAS HE MAY HAVE BEEN IN THE OIL FIELDS.  THE BIGGER I GOT IN ADOLESCENTS THE LESS AFRAID I WAS OF GLENDA HER ATTACKS MOVED TOO PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE AN EXAMPLE WAS TELLING ME THAT I WOULD NEVER BE GOOD AT SPORTS AND ANOTHER WAS THAT SHE KNEW I WAS GAY.  THIS GAY THING SHE DECIDED TO TELL THE COUSINS AND THAT MADE VISITING WITH THEM EVEN WORSE THAN BEFORE.  I NEVER LOST MY FEAR OF ROBERT. HE WAS SO UNPREDICTABLE AND LURKY YOU JUST COULDN’T SEE HIS ANGLE UNTIL HE HAD ALREADY SPRUNG UPON YOU.

            DUE TO THIS MOST RECENT FLUTTER OF FLASHBACKS MY TIME FRAME HAS BEEN REALLY OFF.  I HAVE BEEN SHOWING UP TO APPTS LIKE AN HOUR EARLY AND GETTING MY DAYS OF THE WEEK MIXED UP BY EITHER FORGETTING WHAT DAY IT IS OR BELIEVING THAT I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE A DAY EARLIER THAN I NEEDED TOO.  I ALSO RECALL HOW EVERY YEAR I HAD NEW BULLIES ALONG WITH THE OLD ONES.  I BELIEVE THAT I WAS SO LOOPY OR DISSOCIATIVE WHILE AT SCHOOL THAT OTHER KIDS WOULD ACT TOUGH BY BULLYING ME.  THIS TOOK PLACE UNTIL I REACHED A GROWTH SPURT IN MY JUNIOR YEAR OF SCHOOL AND STARTED TO LIFT WEIGHTS IN FOOTBALL UNTIL I WAS INJURED THEN PICKED UP WEIGHTLIFTING AS A HOBY MY SENIOR YEAR.  THEY STILL NEVER CAME AT ME BY THEMSELVES IT WAS ALWAYS A GROUP WITH ONE INTIGATOR AND FOLLOWERS BUT ONCE I GREW THEY KEPT THERE DISTANCE AND EVENTUALLY JUST GAVE ME SIDE GLANCES.  THEY WHERE MORE LIKE WAVES IN THE OCEAN MY PARENTS WHERE THE REAL HURRICANES.  THE BULLIES EXISTED BUT NEVER MATTERED TO ME.  THEY CAUSED ISSUES MY PARENTS CAUSED HARM AND ABUSE A MUCH MORE REAL THREAT.

            I ALSO RECALLED THE MALE THERAPIST AT DR. SEASTRUNKS OFFICE WHO SPENT ALL THIS TIME TRYING TO BUILD REPOIR WITH ME AND KEPT TELLING ME TO TRUST HIM.  THEN ONE DAY WHEN I AM WALKING ACROSS THE UTA CAMPUS IN FRONT OF THE LIBRARY I RAN DIRECTLY INTO HIM.  I THOUGHT MAYBE HE WAS SEEING CLIENTS ON CAMPUS SO I ASKED HIM AT OUR NEXT SESSION.  SEEING HIM ON CAMPUS WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER AND I WOULDN’T HAVE TO DRIVE SO FAR.  HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS TAKING CLASSES TO QUALIFY FOR MED SCHOOL HE WANTED TO BE A PSYCHIATRIST.  HE HAD BEEN ON CAMPUS THE ENTIRE TIME HE WAS TREATING ME AND HE KNEW THAT I ATTENDED UTA.  HE SAID THAT HE THOUGHT HE HAD TOLD ME OR MENTIONED IT BEFORE.  THIS WAS ALSO THE GUY WHO TOLD ME IN PROCESS GROUP THAT HE HAD DIAGNOSED ME AS SOCIOPATHIC  WHAT A LIE AND AFTER THIS OCCURRED, I MOVED FROM HIM TO A FEMALE THERAPIST WHO ALWAYS CRIED WHEN I TOLD HER ABOUT MY ABUSE.  SHE EXPLAINED THAT I NEEDED TO CONNECT WITH THE YOUNGER CHILD WHO SUFFERED THESE ABUSES.  INNER CHILD WORK IS A REAL THING BUT WHEN SHE WOULD CRY ALL THAT I FELT WAS THAT MY INFORMATION WAS TRAUMATIZING TOO HER AND THUS I WAS HURTING SOMEONE WHILE TRYING TO SHARE MY PAST.  I NEVER WANTED TO BE ANYONES BURDEN THIS WAS A FEELING I HAD SINCE JUNIOR HIGH I WAS SO VERY EMBARRSED BY MY FAMILY THAT I NEVER WANTED TO SUBJECT SOMEONE TO THEM.

            IN THESE MEMORIES FROM THE PAST I RECALLED A MAN NAMED CHEYENNE REVERIA WHO RAN A GYM CALLED PHYSICS GYM.  ALL THE LIFETRS THERE WHERE ON THE JUICE EXCEPT ME AND MY BROTHER GREG.  LOTS OF UPPER-CLASS MEN LIFTED THERE MOSTLY THEY JUST TALKED THERE.  IW OULD BE ON OTHER EQUIPMENT GOING THROUGH MY SETS AND I WOULD OVERHEAR ALL THIS GOSSIP ABOUT PEOPLE I HAD GRADUATED WITH.  IT SEEMED THAT A LOT OF THE PEOPLE WHO WHERE MEAN TO ME DID NOT DO SO WELL AFTER THEY GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL.  SOME DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE OTHERS GOT PREGNANT OTHERS BECAME STRIPPERS.  IT WAS AMAZING TO HEAR THAT OTHERS WHO WHERE IN HONORS OR CHEER LEADERS JUST FELL APART AFTER HIGHSCHOOL AND THE LEARNING DISABLED REJECT GOT A MASTERS PLUS COMPLETED CLINICAL WORK.  I WISH THEM NO ILL WILL BUT I NEVER EXPECTED THEM TO STRUGGLE.

            IN THESE FLURRY OF MEMORIES, I RECALLED HOW I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN PSYCHIALLY THAT I DRANK 8 SHOTS THAT WHERE 2 OUNCES EACH.  MY PAIN NEVER SUBSIDED AND I NEVER GOT DRUNK IT WAS LIKE IT HAD NO EFFECT ON ME AND I HAD JUST WASTED MONEY.  IT DIDN’T EVEN LESSEN THE FLASHBACKS I WAS HAVING AT THE TIME

            I ALSO RECALLED THE SUFFICATION I SUFFERED AT THE HANDS AND KNEES OF ROBERT AND GLENDA.  ROBERT WOULD USE HIS BODY WEIGHT AND SUFFICATE ME SO THAT I COULDN’T BREATH AND HE WOULD WATCH ME GASP FOR AIR UNTIL HE AT TIMES HAD TO REVIVE ME.  GLENDA WOULD THROW ME DOWN AND THEN DIG HER KNEES INTO MY GROIN AND CHEST AND KEEP BOUNCING ON ME UNTIL I SPASMED AND COULDN’T MAKE A BREATH WORK.

            I RECALLED THAT WHEN I WAS DRIVING IN THE CAR WITH ROBERT AND GLENDA PEOPLE WOULD SOMETIMES COME TO THE DRIVERS SIDE WINDOW AND ROBERT WOULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH THEM.  THEN WHILE PULLING AWAY HE WOULD TELL GLENDA HE WAS GOING TO KILL THAT MAN AND THEY WOULD BOTH LAUGH.  LATER AT THE HOUSE HE WOULD SHARE WITH GLENDA THAT HE HAD KILLED SOMEONE AND IN GRAPHIC DEATIL HE WOULD SHARE WHAT HE HAD DONE AND WHAT THEY HAD SAID AS THEY BEGGED.  THEY WOULD BOTH LAUGH AND THIS WAS SOME TYPE OF INTIMACY EXCHANGE FOR THEM AND THEY WOULD ALWAYS BE SNUGGLED TOGATHER WHEN THEY TALKED THIS WAY.  (THIS MAYBE ONE OF THE REASONS I DON’T FIND INTIMACY SAFE)

            WHEN ROBERT WAS USING THE CHAIN THE NECK METHOD TO KIDNAPP AND STORE WHITE GIRLS IN THE WOODS ONE OF THE GIRLS RIPPED AT HER HAIR SO HARD THAT HER SCALP TORE AND WHEN HE PUT HER IN THE CAR SHE WAS MUTE AND STILL WITH A DAZE ON HER FACE.  ROBERTS DRIVERSIDE WINDOW WAS OPN AND THAT FLAP JUST WENT BACK AND FORTH AND SHE NEVER MADE A SOUND.  SHE HAD BLOOD ALL OVER HER FACE AND IT SEEMED THAT HER SOUL WAS GONE AND JUST THIS FRAME REMAINED.  HE TOOK HER TO A WOODED SPOT WHERE ALL THESE MEN HAD MET TO DRINK MOONSHINE AND HE GAVE HER TO THEM.  I COULD SMELL THE AWFUL TONIC IN THE MASON JARS WHILE I HEARD HER SCREAM FURTHER BACK IN THE WOODS WHERE THE MEN WERE RAPING HER.  SOME OF THE GIRLS WHERE GIVEN BACK TO ROBERT AS IF THEY HAD BEEN RENTED THIS ONE NEVER CAME BACK TO THE CAR AND WE DROVE AWAY WITHOUT HER. 

            I AM STILL WAITING FOR MY MEDICAID CARD AND MY FOOD STAMP CARD, I EXPECT THEM SOMETIME THIS MONTH.  I ALSO REACHED OUT TO ELISH AND ANJI WITH SOME OF WHAT I HAD BEEN STRUGGLING WITH IN HOPES THAT CONFESSING IT WOULD ALLEVIATE THE PAIN.  ANJI ASKED A LOT OF QUESTIONS AND I FOUND THAT HELPFUL AND IT RELEASED TENSION.  WRITNG ABOUT MAX AND THE BLONDE LADY ALLEVIATED MY STRESSES AND I HOPE WILL ALLOW ME TO RELAX AND NOT BE IN SO MUCH PHYSICAL PAIN.

 

HAPPY