JOURNAL ENTRY: HOW MANY PERVERTS KNEW MY NAME 2024

 

 

HOW MANY PERVERTS KNEW MY NAME

ROBERT, GLENDA, MAX, AND EDITH KEPT SEEING ME IN STUPORS SO INTENSE THAT THEY HAD TO PHYSICALLY INTERVENE TO GET ME BACK TO INTERACTION AND YET THEY ALWAYS DENIED EITHER THE ABUSE ALL TOGATHER OR THE LEVEL OF ABUSE.  DISSOCIATION IS A HIGH LEVEL OF TRAUMA SYMPTOMOLOGY.  I KNOW EDITH EXPERIENCED THAT STUPOR I SAW IT OCCURE WHEN THEY WHERE RAPING THAT WOMAN AT THE HOUSE WHO LOST HER TEETH ON THE FROZEN PORCH.  I HAVE SEEN THAT STUPORESS SHOCK ON NANA AND MAMMY’S FACE TOO WHEN ROBERT AND GLENDA WERE TRYING TO GET NANA TO GIVE THEM MONEY SHE INHERITED FROM HER FATHER AND WERE PUTTING MAMMY’S FEET TO THE OPEN FLAME HEATER.  I SAW GLENDA IN THAT STUPOR WHEN MR. AND MRS. ALFORD WHERE AT THE HOUSE TORTURING THAT OTHER WOMAN IN THE MASTER BEDROOM MRS ALFORD WAS IN THAT STUPOR TOO BEFORE SHE REALIZED THIS WAS TOO FAR EVEN FOR HER.  NEVER SAW ROBERT OR MAX HAVE THAT STUPOR, IVE SEEN BOTH SEVERAL TIMES LOCKED IN THE EXCITED GLASS EYED GLARE OF A PREDITOR TO ITS PREY.  MAX SEEMED LIKE ONE PERSONAILTY DOING HARM TO OTHERS WHILE WITH ROBERT YOU NEVER KNEW WHICH PERSONALITY IT WAS HIS REACTIONS VARIED WIDELY AS HE MOVED THROUGH PEOPLE LIKE A KNIFE THROUGH A BLOODY MIST CLOUD.  VICTIMS TO HIM WHERE DANCES OF INTIMACY IN ITS MOST VIOLENT FORM.  I BELIEVE THIS IS WHATS CARRIED OUT IN SLAVE AND MASTER BUT THEY HAVE SAFE WORDS AND NO ONE DIES.  BOTH GLENDA AND ROBERT LIKED THE DEATH PART ONLY ROBERT ENJOYED THE CLEAN UP AT LEAST SEVERAL OF HIS ALTERS DID.  I WONDER HOW MANY ALTERS HE HAD AND WHEN DID THEY FORM AND THOUGH I KNOW THEY EXISTED I NEVER GOT TO SEE THE CHILD ALTERS JUST THE ADULT TYPE WHO HAD CLEAR AND RIDGID RULES THEY HAD TOO EXERCISE, EACH PLAYED A ROLE DEVELOPED OVER TIME AND MEANT TO MEET A CERTAIN NEED.  IMAGE THE BRAIN POWER IT TOOK TO CREATE EACH OF THOSE ALTERS AND TO KEEP THEM SEPARATE AND OPERATIONAL AND OF COURSE HIDDEN AT ALL OTHER TIMES.

I FEEL LIKE CPTSD IS A CANCER THAT NO ONE CAN CURE AND IT FEEDS OFF ITS OWN INDESTRUCTABILITY AND GAINS POWER FROM TAUNTING YOUR EFFORTS, IT THWARTS INTERVENTION LIKE AN GIANT ASTERROID TO A TINY PEBBLE.

I DON’T KNOW WHERE MY LIFE IS HEADED AT AGE 55 WITH AN INTENSE AND NEVER YIELDING MENTAL ILLNESS

SO MUCH OF THIS WAS ABOUT INTIMACY AND THESE TWO HATERS WITH THERE INABILITY TO CREATE OR ACCEPT INTIMACY.  THEY WERE CUT OFF FROM THE ABILITY TO BE EMPATHETIC AND EMOTIONALLY BOND AT A VERY YOUNG AGE.  THIS IS WHY I LOVE TO HOLD BABIES SO MUCH, ITS PURE INTIMACY

ROBERT HELPED MAX IN SHERMAN AND MAX HELPED ROBERT IN IRVING AND EVERYWHERE ELSE

SO MANY INNOCENT PEOPLE DIED IN COW PASTURES CHAINED BY THE NECK TO FENCES, THE CHAINS WHERE NEVER LEFT THEY GOT COLLECTED AND REUSED.  THUS WHEN AND IF THEIR BODIES ARE EVER FOUND THEY WILL NEVER KNOW ABOUT HOW THEY WHERE RESTRAINED AND NO CONNECT TO MAX AND ROBERT WILL BE MADE.

A PROFILER OF SERIAL KILLERS TALKED ABOUT HOW IF YOU DON’T KNOW YOUR VICTIM’S IDENTITY THEN YOU CANNOT FIGURE OUT THE KILLER.  IN MY CASE I KNOW ALL THE OFFENDERS I JUST DON’T KNOW ONE NAME OF A VICTIM

I DON’T THINK THAT ROBERT HAD A PROGRESSION OF CRUELTY LIKE MOST SERIAL KILLERS I THINK HE WAS INTRODUCED BY MAX AT A VERY EARLY AGE AND HE WAS THRUST INTO THE POINT WHERE MAX WAS DEVELOPED AND ROBERT WENT FROM THERE.  I DO FEEL THAT TIME IN THE GREEN CAR WAS ROBERTS FIRST FREEDOM TO DO THINGS HIS WAY AND THAT THERE MAY HAVE BEEN A PROGRESSION THEN BUT HIS ALTERS WHERE VERY ACTIVE IN HIS CRIME SCENES.  MEANING THAT THEY WHERE ALREADY DEVELOPED AND HAD MATURED INTO THERE ROLES OF STALKING, ATTACKING, TORTURING, KILLING, AND DISMEMBORING AND HIDING THE BODIES.  MAYBE SOME DEVELOPED WHEN MAX LEFT ROBERT OVER NIGHT IN THE PASTURE WITH THE DEAD BODIES.  OTHERS MOST LIKELY HAD TO TAKE OVER MAX’S DEMANDS THAT ROBERT BE LIKE HIM BY DOING WHAT HE DOES.  THIS IS ALSO WHY I DON’T THINK ROBERT HAD MUCH OF A SADISTIC PROGRESSION THAT HE HIMSELF DEVELOPED BUT WAS INITITATED INTO MAX’S ALREADY PROGESSED LEVEL OF SADISTICNESS AND HIS LEVEL OF ACTIVITY BE THAT ON A WEEKLY OR MONTHLY LEVEL.

THE SMALL MAN WHO BROUGHT OVER THE SMALL STATURED GILR WITH SHOULDER LENGTH HAIR WAS SOMEHOW CONNECTED TO SAM HOUSTON JUNIOR HIGH.  HE WAS WEARING THE SAME SMALL SWEATER WITH THREE BUTTONS AND JUST A TOUCH OF COLOR ON THE FRONT.  WHEN I SAW HIM IN THE HALL BY THE ADMINISTARTION OFFICES HE WAS STANDING WITH THE VICE PRINCIPAL WHO WALKED AWAY AS I WAS APPROACHING TO WALK PAST THEM TO CONTINUE ON TO CLASS.  THAT MAN WALKED WITH ME FOR SEVERAL YARDS AND KNEW MY NAME.  HE WAS TRYING TO BE BUDDY BUDDY WITH ME AND ENGAGE ME IN CONVERSATION.  I WAS WIERDED OUT AND PUT MY HEAD DOWN AND JUST KEPT WALKING HE EVENTUALLY STOPPED AND WENT BACK THE WAY HE CAME.  I SAW HIM LATER THAT DAY HE WAS STANDING BY THE SCHOOL BUSES AS THEY WERE LOADING STUDENTS.  HE WAVED AT ME AND I FELT ICKY AND BETRAYED IN SOME WAY AS IF I HAD DONE SOMETHING BAD AND HE WAS PROOF OF IT.  HE HAD DARK COLORED SLACKS AND A LIL MUSTACHE THAT LOOKED LIKE HE GROOMED IT EVERYDAY.  HE WAS SO SMALL AND PETITE HE MAY HAVE GROWN IT SO PEOPLE DIDN’T THINK HE WAS A KID.

THIS INCEDENT MAKES ME WONDER HOW MANY PERVERTS KNEW MY NAME IS ASSOCIATION WITH DEALING WITH ROBERT.  I KNOW NOW THAT THE HATRED FROM THE VICE PRICIPAL WAS NOT DUE TO ANYTHING I DID JUST MY EXISTANCE IN HIS WORLD.  WHEN MRS. ALFORD AND HIM GANGED UP ON ME THEY WHERE A VERY CONFUSING PAIR.  TWO PEOPLE WHO REALLY HATED ME AND THIS YOUNG CHILD THAT HAD NO IDEA WHY.  THIS IS THE KIND OF STUFF THAT LEADS YOU TO SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND BELIEVE ME I BEGGED GOD TO TAKE ME MANY MANY TIMES.  IT WAS GLENDA TELLING ME THAT YOU COULDN’T GET TO HEAVEN UNTIL GABREIAL BLEW HIS HORN FOR YOU THAT STOPPED ME MANY TIMES FROM KILLING MYSELF.  I THOUGHT GOD HAD TO CALL FOR YOU TO DIE AND GO TO HEAVEN AND EVERYTIME I WAS REJECTED I JUST GAVE UP THINKING ABOUT DIEING SINCE I OBVIOUSLY WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH TO GET CALLED HOME.

I REMEMBER WHEN I FIRST BEGAN TO HAVE FLASHBACKS AND I WAS IN SUCH PAIN THAT THE UNIVERSITY DOCTOR HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH ME.  I TOOK A LOT OF IBUPROPHEN IN THOSE DAYS OFTEN 1200MGRAMS SEVERAL TIMES A DAY.  IT WAS DURING THIS TIME THAT SOMEONE TOLD ME ABOUT AN ASAIN WOMEN WHO WORKED WITH REFUGEES AND WHO USED EASTERN MEDICINE TO DEAL WITH PAIN.  SHE USED ACUPUNCTURE AND HERBS AND SAID MANY TIMES THAT SHE HAD NEVER SEEN SOMEONE SO YOUNG SO SICK.  SHE NEVER ASKED ABOUT MY PAST OR USED PSYCHOLOGY TO DIAGNOSIS ME, IT WAS ALWAYS A LOOK AT MY TONGUE AND THE BALANCE OF YING AND YANG. 

THE TEACHERS AT LEE BRITAIN KNEW I WAS BEING ABUSED AND USE TO HAVE ME SHOW THEM MY SCRATCHES AND BRUISES AND THEN THEY WOULD SHAKE THEIR HEADS AND LET ME GO PLAY.  THOMAS HALEY KNEW TOO BUT GLENDA WORKED THERE AS WELL AND ALL THE TEACHERS TRIED TO STEER CLEAR OF HER, I DON’T THINK THAT SHE HAD A FRIEND IN THE BUILDING.  SHE WAS ALWAYS STANDING AT THE TEACHERS TABLE BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE TOOK THE SEATS AND NO ONE MADE ROOM FOR HER, SHE WAS ALWAYS WALKING THE HALLS ALONE EITHER LED BY OR FOLLOWED BY A GROUP OF TEACHERS. 

I THINK IM SO CALM AND QUITE MOST OF THE TIME BECAUSE MOVEMENT OR NOISE EXCITES THE TWO HATERS AND MADE THEM GO OFF IN MY DIRECTION.  I WAS ALSO QUITE DURING BEATINGS WHEN THEY STARTED ASKING ME QUESTIONS.  NO ANSWER AND THEY USED YOUR ANSWERS TO BEAT YOU MORE

I REMEMBER WHEN ROBERT DRAGGED ME TO A COUNTRY BURIAL AND MASTERBATED BEHIND A TREE ON A HILL.  WE WHERE SO CLOSE WE COULD HEAR THE PREACHER SAYING HIS WORDS.  I WONDER HOW MANY FUNERALS HE WENT TO AND DID THAT

I’M WAITING FOR ALL THIS PAIN TO MAKE SENSE, TO SOMEHOW REACH THE NEXT LEVEL.  WHATEVER THAT NEXT LEVEL LOOKS LIKE

SITTING IN YOUR EMOTIONAL PAIN IS A LOT LIKE SITTING IN YOUR PHYSICAL PAIN, BOTH TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY

I REMEMBER HOW I USE TO PRAY AND TRY TO NEGOTIATE WHEN MY FLASHBACKS GOT REALLY BAD AND THAT SOMEONE I COULD GAIN AND EDGE AND END THESE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS.  NOW I JUST SUFFER THEM AS IF THEY ARE A PERMANENT PART OF ME.  I BELIEVE THESE TRAUMAS RUN DEEP INTO MY EMOTIONAL DNA.  A CONFIGURATION OF IMAGES AND PAIN THAT HAD TO BE CARFULLY HIDDEN SO THAT THEY COULDN’T SENSE IT AND THUS KEEP ME ALIVE.  I SURVIVED BY EMOTIONAL AND ITELLECTUAL DEFICIETS CAUSED BY THEM AMD USED AS A CLOAK BY ME

SUFFOCATION, STRANGULATION, AND DROWNING WERE ROBERTS AND MAX’S MANNER OF BRAIN WASHING.  THEY HAD SO MANY WAYS TO CAUSE YOU TO LOOSE YOUR BREATH.  THEY WOULD PUSH YOU TO THE DOOR OF DEATH AND THEN REVIVE YOU TO SEE IF YOU REMEMBERED YOUR NAME IF YOU DID THEY TORTURED YOU MORE UNTIL YOU STOPPED REMEMBERING AND THEN THEY GAVE YOU A NEW ONE THEY WOULD CALL YOU BY AND MAKE YOU RESPOND TOO AND THAT NAME WOULD BE HANDED OVER TO YOUR NEW OWNER AS THE LEASH THAT BOUND YOU.  THE NEW OWNER NEVER KNEW YOUR PAST UNLESS THEY PICKED YOU AND THEN IF YOU WAVERED FROM THE BRAIN WASHING BACK TO THE HATERS FOR A TUNE UP.  THEY ALSO GOT RID OF SLAVES FOR A PRICE SOME WHERE GANG RAPED TO DEATH AT THE PARTIES IN THE BARN AND OTHERS WHERE SIMPLY SOLD FURTHER AWAY SO IT WAS LIKE THEY HAD BEEN DISAPPEARED.  THIS MATRIX OF DECIET HAS TAKEN ME DECADES TO FIGURE OUT ONE FLASHBACK AT A TIME.  THE WEB HAD MANY PLAYERS AND A VERY LONG REACH INTO KNOWN AND UNKNOWN PARTS OF SOCIETY.  THE INVESTIGATORS SHOULD CHECK FOR MISSING PEOPLE IN EVERY ZIP CODE THAT ROBERT AND GLENDA LIVED IN, WORKED IN, AND TRAVELED THROUGH AND LET’S NOT FORGET HUNTING AND VACATIONS.  ESPECIALLY THE VACATION THAT JOHANNA WENT ON INTO THE MOUNTAINS WHERE ROBERT ATTACKED THAT WOMEN AT THE MOTEL WITH THE POOL AND PLAYED THAT SONG THAT HAD THE WORD DELIGHT IN IT AND THE AMBULANCE HAD TO COME AND GET HER.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT NO COPS SHOWED UP AND QUESTIONED ANYONE, I NEVER SAW ANY POLICE AND THE NEXT DAY WE JUST PACKED UP AND LEFT LIKE NO VICIOUS ASSAULT HAD HAPPENED.

 

HAPPY