JOURNAL ENTRY: LIZA MINNELLI MADE ME FORGET MYSELF 2024

 

 

LIZA MINNELLI MADE ME FORGET MYSELF

WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND GLENDA HAD BEEN TURTURING ME ALL DAY EITHER WITH HER WORDS OR PHYSICALLY AND WE WHERE ABOUT TOGO SOMEWHERE OR BE AROUND OTHERS SHE WOULD SUDDENLY TURN NICE.  SHE WOULD USE NICER WORDS AND ACTIONS; SHE WOULD GO FROM TRYING TO SCRATCH ME TO HOLDING ME CLOSE AND RUNNING HER HANDS THROUGH MY HAIR AND TALKED ABOUT GETTING ICE CREAM OR HOW SPECIAL I WAS TOO HER.  THIS WOULD CONFUSE ME SO MUCH THAT I WOULD OFTEN ACT UP AND ACT OUT AND THEN WHEN SHE DID HAVE ME AROUND OTHERS OR IN A PUBLIC PLACE, I WOULD BE ANTI-SOCIAL.  I DIDN’T KNOW IF THE OTHERS WOULD TURN ON ME, OFTEN SHE WOULD TELL OTHER PEOPLE HOW HORRABLE I WAS AND PLAY IT LIKE SHE WAS THIS HUMBLE SAINT WHO PUT UP WITH ME.  I WOULD HEAR CONVERSATIONS OTHER WOMEN PRIMARILY WOULD HAVE WITH HER AND THEY WOULD SUGGEST ALL SORTS OF PUNISHMENTS FOR ME AND THEN THEY WOULD GLARE AT ME AND TREAT ME LIKE I WAS AN UNGRATFUL BEHAVIOR PROBLEM.  THIS WOULD SATISFY GLENDA SO DEEPLY THAT OFETN ON THE RIDE HOME, SHE WOULD SARCASTICALLY TELL ME HOW MUCH SHE LOVED ME EVEN THOUGH I WAS A PROBLEM CHILD.  THIS WOULD CAUSE ME TO FEEL SO UNLOVED AND ONCE HOME I WOULD GO TO MY BED AND CRY AND CRY.  WHEN MY LIL BROTHER WOULD CHECK ON ME, I WOULD SAY, “NO ONE LOVES ME’ AND THEN HE WOULD TELL GLENDA.  WHO IN TURN WOULD TELL GREG TO TELL ME, ‘TELL HIM TO COME HERE AND I WILL HOLD HIM’. I DID THIS ONCE OR TWICE AND ITS JUST PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE SHE WOULD HOLD ME BUT TELL ME OVER AND OVER HOW BAD I WAS AND THAT SHE LOVED ME EVEN THOUGH I DID THIS OR THAT.  THE THIS OR THAT SHE WOULD TALK ABOUT NEVER HAPPENED, IT WAS A PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE GAME WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY SORRY FOR THINGS I HAD NEVER DONE AND PROMISE TO DO BETTER.  A FEW TIMES I SAW CLEARLY WHAT SHE WAS DOING AND WOULD PROTEST WITH WHAT SHE HAD BEEN DOING OR I WOULD POINT OUT ONE OF HER LIES.  THIS WOULD QUICKLY TURN INTO A SCRATCH ON THE FACE AND ATTEMPTING TO SQUEEZE MY TESTICALS.  SOMETIMES I WAS QUICK AND GOT AWAY OTHER TIMES SHE WOULD USE HER BODY WEIGHT TO TRAP ME AND THEN WRESTLE ME INTO POSTION TO HURT ME WHILE I WAS STRUGGLING TO BREATH MANY TIMES DURING THESE EPISODES I WOULD PASS OUT AND AWAKE IN SEVERE PAIN BECAUSE SHE HAD CAUGHT MY TESTICALS AND WHEN I CAME AROUND AND MY EYES OPENED SHE WOULD SQUEEZE WHILE HOLDING HER HAND OVER MY MOUTH AND NOSE SO I COULDN’T INHALE TO SCREAM.  (EVEN NOW THIS IS UPSETTING TO ME AND I AM FEELING THAT CLOSTERPHOBIC PRESS OF BODY WEIGHT) WHEN I STOPPED GOING TO HER SHE WOULD SEEK ME OUT AND THEN SYMPATHETICALLY ASK WHAT SHE HAD DONE THAT WAS SO WRONG.  THIS WAS A TRAP SHE WANTED TO KNOW THE CONTENT OF YOUR PAIN SO SHE COULD TURN IT ALL AROUND AND BLAME IT ALL ON YOU THEN BEAT YOU FOR LYING.  THIS WOULD TURN INTO A CYCLE GAME WHERE SHE WOULD TAUNT AND PUNISH YOU ALL DAY ON AND ON FROM DAYLIGHT UNTIL YOU WENT TO BED AND SOMETIMES IT WOULD CONTIUE INTO THE NEXT DAY.  I WOULD END UP AS THIS SAD DISHEVELED DEPRESSED CHILD WHO DIDN’T TALK AND OFTEN WAS RESTRICTED FROM LEAVING THE HOUSE OR HAVING FRIENDS OVER.  SHE LOVED THIS ISOLATION TECHNIQUE AND WHEN GREG WAS CLOSE BY OR INSIDE THE HOUSE SHE WOULD CHILL OUT AND AWAIT HIS DEPARTURE TO BEGIN AGAIN.  GREG WAS NICE WHEN HE WAS YOUNG, HE WOULD TRY AND CHEER ME UP BUT IF I SMILED OR BEGAN TO PLAY GLENDA WOULD DOUBLE VICE GRIP ME.  THUS, HE EVENTUALLY GAVE UP AND THEN STARTED TO ACT AS AN EXTENSION OF HER.  ONCE HE BECAME STRONGER THAN ME, HE BECAME HER PHYSICAL ENFORCER.  SHE WOULD ALLOW HIM TO HIT ME IN THE TESTICALS WHEN I WAS ASLEEP OR JUMP ON MY CHEST WHEN I WAS LAYING DOWN AND SUFFICATE ME UNTIL I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE.  (I REMEMBER THIS WAS GETTING MORE AND MORE BRUTAL AS I GOT OLDER AND PLAYED A LARGE ROLE WHEN WHY I WENT AWAY TO TEXAS TECH)

NOW ADAYS I JUST KEEP JOURNALING BECAUSE ITS NECESSARY AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO OTHER THAN TO KEEP THE PROCESS ALIVE.  ITS LIKE A PART OF ME NEEDS TO BE KNOWN AND EXPRESSED SO THAT I CAN LIVE IN THE LIGHT AND NOT THE DARKNESS.  YOU GO THROUGH MANY FEELINGS WHEN AWAITING JUSTICE AND YOUR PRIMARY JOB IS TO STAY OUT OF DEPRESSION.  THIS IS NOT AN EASY TASK WHEN YOUR ON DISABILITY AND LIMITED ON YOUR FUNDS AND GAS MONEY WHICH IN TURN LIMITS YOUR ABILITY TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.  I DO HAVE KIDDOS TO GO SEE AND THAT HELPS A LOT.  I DON’T WANT TO STAY ON DISABILITY I WANT TO WORK AND HAVE A FULFILLING PROFESSIONAL LIFE. 

I REMEMBER WHEN ROBERT WOULD EITHER COME HOME OR JUST GET OFF THE PHONE AND THEN START TO TALK TO ME ABOUT SHOOTING GUNS.  I WOULD GO GET MY BLUE JEANS AND COWBOY BOOTS AND A WESTERN SHIRT IF I HAD ONE AT THE TIME.  GLENDA WOULD HELP ME GET DRESSED AND THEN WE WOULD TOP THIS OFF WITH MY LIL COWBOY VEST AND HAT.  WE WOULD DRIVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME, USUALLY AN HOUR OR MORE.  THEN WE WOULD ARRIVE AT THE GATE TO A PASTURE AND ROBERT WOULD OPEN IT AND I WOULD HOLD IT WHILE HE DROVE IN.  HE WOULD LOCK IT BACK AND I WOULD BE SO EXCITED SINCE NOW WE ARE HERE AND WE ARE ABOUT TO SHOOT GUNS.  THEN HE WOULD GO TO THE BACK OF THE CAR AND PULL OUT THE 22 RIFLE AND WE WOULD WALK INTO SOME WOODED AREA AND THIS BEAST WOULD POP OUT.  A FORM COVERED IN DIRT AND MUD AND WHO HAD HAIR MISSING, THEY WHERE CRYING AND SOBBING AND SMELLED AWFUL.  THEY WOULD SCARE ME SOME WOULD HOBBLE OUT OF THIS PILE OF LEAVES AND STICKS THAT THEY HAD PILED ON THEMSELVES FOR WARMTH, LEADING TO THERE HAIR HAVING A PILE OF DEBRI PILED ON THEM AND VEGITATION STUCK TO THEIR ARMS AND LEGS.  I OFTEN THOUGHT THEY WHERE MONSTERS AND I WOULD JUMP AND OFTEN RUN AWAY FROM THE AREA BEFORE STOPPING TO REALIZE ROBERT WAS TALKING TO THEM.  THEY WOULD MAKE SO MANY PROMISES MOST OFTEN THEY WOULD BE SEXUAL OR PROMISES TO DROP THEIR COMPLAINTS OR TO STOP TALKING TO THE POLICE OR TELL HIM WHERE SOMEHTING HE WANTED WAS.  THERE WAS THIS SMALL DARK-HAIRED WOMEN WITH SMALL BREASTS CHAINED IN THE BOTTOM OF THIS RAVINE, SHE DIDN’T HEAR US APPROACHING BUT BEFORE SHE SPRANG OUT, I HEARD SOMEONE CRYING AND TALKING.  THEN THIS BUSH JUST SPRANG FORTH AND CAME ALIVE. IT SCARED ME SO MUCH I WET MY PANTS AND FROZE IN PLACE.  THE VOICE WAS HARSH AND RASPHY AND HER EYES WHERE BLOODSHOT SHE WAS ON HER KNEES BEGGING ROBERT TO LET HER GO AND THAT SHE TOLD HIM WHERE THE GOLD WAS HIDDEN.  ROBERT JUST LAUGHED AND THEN LOWERED THE RIFLE AND SHOT HER IN THE FACE.  SHE JUST STAYED IN ONE POSITION AND HER EYES LOOKED AROUND AND THEN MORE BLOOD HOLES OPENED AND SHE FELL TO THE SIDE AS HER EYES WENT UP.  ROBERT KEPT SHOOTING HER HEAD AND HAD THE RIFLE ABOUT A FEW INCHES FROM HER HEAD.  HE WAS LAUGHING AND THEN HE KICKED HER IN THE HEAD AND TRIED TO REPOSTION HER BODY WITH HIS FOOT.  HE WAS LAUGHING AND THEN LEANED FORWARD AND SAID I GOT THE GOLD YOU DUMB BITCH AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE FREE.  HE WALKED BACK TO THE CAR AND CAME BACK WITH A SHOVEL AND THEN UNLOCKED THE CHAIN AND STARTED TO DIG. I STOOD THERE STARING AT THE END OF CHAIN THAT HE HAD REMOVED FROM HER NECK AND IT WAS LAIDEN WITH HAIR AND BLOOD.  I LOST MYSELF INTO THAT STARE EVERYTHING WENT FUZZY AND THEN ROBERT WAS SAYING MY NAME AND IT WAS DARKER.  HE WANTED ME TO DRAG SOMETHING AND IT WAS HEAVY.  I WAS WALKING NBACK TO THE CAR UP A HILL DRAGGING THIS VERY HEAVY THING.  IT TOOK ME A LOT OF EFFORT AND I COULDN’T REALLY MAKE IT OUT IN THE DARK WHEN I GOT TO THE BACK OF THE CAR THE TAIL LIGHTS SHOWED ME IT WAS A CHAIN AND WONDERED WHERE THE CHAIN CAME FROM AND WHY I HAD TO DRAG IT.  ROBERT WAS FILTHY AND SWEATY AND HAPPY FOR SOME REASON.  HE LOADED THE BACK OF THE CAR IT WAS A DARK BLUE FOUR DOOR.  HE WAS LOOKING AT SOMETHING IN HIS HAND AND I COULDN’T TELL WHAT IT WAS BUT HE KEPT DROPPING IT INTO A BAG AND THEN PICKING OUT ANOTHER PIECE AND THIS ONE LOOKED LIKE A COIN.  AT YOUR HAPPIEST MOMENTS THEY ATTACK YOU AND THEN YOU GO INTO A FROZEN STATE MENTALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND YOUR INTIMACY HIDES DEEPER AND DEEPER AWAY FROM ANY CONTACT THAT COULD PUT YOU AT RISK.  MAKING THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY FEEL LIKE IT WAS EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.  YOU HAD TO SURVIVE WITH STRANGERS THAT ONLY HAD THEIR BEST INTERSTS AT HEART.  IM NOT SURE WHAT TITLES TO GIVE MICHAEL AND GREG IN THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY CLUSTER.  THEY BOTH SEEMED TO BE THE GOLDEN CHILD AT DIFFERENT TIMES AND ONLY ONCE DID MICHAEL FALL FROM GRACE AND THAT WAS WHEN HE WAS MARRIED TO HOLLY.  GLENDA AND HOLLY WHERE VERY MUCH ALIKE BOTH WHERE SELFISH AND VERY SNEAKY ABOUT HOW THEY WENT ABOUT BEING VINDICTIVE.  I FEEL THAT SOMEHOW GLENDAS PERSONALITY WAS FELT BY MICHAEL SINCE HE MARRIED SOMEONE WHO PSYCHOLOGY WAS THE SAME PERSON.  ONCE MICHAEL DIVORCED HOLLY AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO’S IDEA THAT WAS SHE BECAME OPENLY HOSTILE TOWARD HIM AND NO LONGER HID HER VINDICTIVNESS.  I REMEMBER THAT DURING THEIR MARRIAGE MICHAEL HIRED US TO HAND OUT FLYERS IN HIS APARTMENT BUILDING.  IT WAS GREG AND I AND WE HAD TO USE A RUBBER BAND TO ATTACH THE PAPER TO THE DOORKNOB.  THE APARTEMENT HAD BUILDINGS THAT WHERE THREE STORIES TALL.  IT WAS REALLY HARD WORK AND I SET OUT TO EMPTY MY BAG OF FLYERS.  I RETURNED ALL SWEATY SINCE IT HAD BEEN A SUMMER NIGHT AND THERE WAS GREG ON THE COUCH AS IF HE HADNT SWEATED AT ALL DRINKING A DRINK.  THEN MICHAEL STARTED PUTTING IT TOGATHER THAT GREG WAS DONE SO FAST AND EVENTAULLY FOUND OUT THAT GREG HAD THROWN ALL HIS FLYERS AWAY IN A DUMPSTER AND LIED ABOUT BEING DONE.  THAT LITTLE TIDBIT WAS SO INDICATIVE ABOUT GREG HE PULLED SO MANY STUNTS LIKE THAT AND LIEING WASN’T AN ISSUE FOR HIM.

I REMEMBER HOW ROBERT HAD ALL THESE STRAY ITEMS IN THE GARAGE AND THEY WHERE JUST TIDBITS OF CLOTH AND CLOTHES ALONG WITH A SINGLE SHOE AND OLD NEWS PAPERS.  I WOULD FIND HIM IN THE GARAGE ON THE RARE OCCASION THAT HE WAS HOME DURING THE DAY AND HE WOULD BE MASTERBATING OR FONDLING HIMSELF.  WHILE HE HELD ONE OF THESE VARIOUS OBJECTS THEN ONE DAY I SAW HIM WITH HIS BACK TURNED TOWARD THE GARAGE DOOR THAT LED INSIDE THE HOUSE.  I WALKED OUT AND HE TURNED AND HAD AN OLD PIECE OF NEWSPAPER IN HIS HANDS THAT HAD PICTURES OF PEOPLE ON IT SOME WHERE GIRLS AND HE WAS CRYING.  ROBERT OFTEN HAD RELATIONSHIPS WITH HIS VICTIMS SO IM GUESSING HE MISSED THIS ONE FOR SOME REASON.  LATER AS I GOT OLDER THE BOX THAT HE WOULD DIG THESE THINGS OUT OF WHERE GONE.  THERE HAD BEEN A SMALL BLUE JEAN JACKET THAT I THOUGHT WOULD FIT A STUFFED ANIMAL I HAD AND WHEN I WENT DIGGING THROUGH THE PILES I COULDN’T LOCATE IT.  IT WAS ALWAQYS ON THE TOP OF THE PILE TO THE RIGHT OF THE GARAGE NEXT TO THE WALL.  NO MATTER HOW MANY THINGS ROBERT HAD TO MOVE TO GET TO SOMETHING HE WOULD ALWAYS PLACE THAT BOX RIGHT BACK TO THAT SPOT AND KEPT AN AISLE OPEN SO HE COULD GET TO IT.  THAT BOX WAS HIS MURDER MEMORIES.

ROBERT AND GLENDA, I BELIEVE BONDED AT TEXAS CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY WHEN SUBCONSCIOULY THEY CONNECTED ON THEIR SELFISH SADISTIC WAYS. I BELIEVE THAT THE PATTERN FOR THEM WAS THAT THEY WERE TRIGGERED BY INTIMACY EITHER EACH OTHER YEARNING OR DENY THE OTHER OR BY SOMETHING THEY WOULD SEE IN THE WORLD.  MAYBE A HAPPY COUPLE OR A FAMILY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD THAT WAS SHARING CLOSNESS AND IF THEY COULD NOT ADVERSLY AFFECT THAT OUTCOME THEN THEY WOULD CHOOSE TO ACT OUT AT HOME.  MICHAEL WASN’T THERE AND GLENDA WOULD PROTECT GREG THUS IT WAS ME.  OFTEN, THEY WOULD SUPPORT ONE ANOTHER IN THERE PSYCHOLOGICAL GAMES AGAINST ME AND MY TEARS SEEMED TO BE AN INITIATION TO THEIR CLOSENESS.  IF ROBERT WAS KIND TO ME GLENDA WOULD BE MEAN TO ME AND VICE VERSA.  I FEAR THAT IF I EVER BECOME ROMANTICALLY ENGAGED WITH SOMEONE THEN I WILL HAVE TO REPROCESS ALL OF THESE EMOTIONS AGAIN AND IT’S A LONG LIST OF ABUSE ISSUES THAT HAVE TO BE BROUGHT UP AND THEN RESETTLED IN A MANNER THAT WILL SIT WITH MY NEW PSYCHE.  I CANNOT WORK ON THESE ISSUES IN THAT MANNER UNTIL I EXPERIENCE THE CLOSNESS INTIMACY BRINGS.  I AM LIMITED SINCE I CAN ONLY JOURNAL IT SEEMS AND CANNOT WRITE A BOOK ON MY OWN.  MY HEAD TRAUMA LED TO SO MANY LEARNING DISABILITIES THAT WRITING A BOOK IS OUT OF MY ABILITIES.

I ALSO REMEMBER MY STEP BROTHER AND STEP SISTER AND HOW MUCH I WAS INVOLVED IN THEIR LIVES WHEN THEY WHERE YOUNG.  I LOVE THEM AND MISS THEM AND IF EVER I CAN WRITE A BOOK, I WILL SEND THEM A COPY TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD AND CAUSING ME TO LEAVE THEIR LIVES.  I CRIED SO MUCH WHEN I LEFT THEIR LIVES AND IT TOOK TREMENDOUS STRENGTH TO STAY AWAY AND AVOID CONFUSING THEM WITH MY ISSUES.  NOT THAT I WOULD EVER TELL THEM MY ISSUES BUT THEY WOULD WONDER WHY THINGS HAD CHANGED AND WHY THINGS WHERE DIFFERENT.

AS I SIT HERE AT STARBUCKS, I KEEP LOOKING UP AFRIAD THAT SOMEONE IS GOING TO BURST IN AND SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.  IT GETS LIKE THIS SOMETIMES WHEN I AM TELLING TRUTHS ABOUT FAMILY SECRETS, I FEEL OVER EXPOSED AND VULNERABLE.  WHEN THESE THOUGHTS SURFACE AT HOME I FEEL THAT SOMEONE WILL BREAK IN AND KILL ME FOR JUST HAVING THE MEMORY.

 

I DO HAVE A LONG HIDDEN ISSUE WITH MY LEARNING DISABILITIES.  AT A TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY WANTED TO BE I HAD A THOUGHT OF HOW MUCH I WOULD ENJOY BEING A PEDIATRICIAN.  I KEPT THAT VERY HIDDEN AND NEVER SHARED IT, I KNEW THAT I COULD NEVER PASS THE SCIENCE CLASSES AND ALSO COULD NEVER BECOME A CHIROPRACTOR.  THAT ONE HURT TOO IT WAS THIS REALIZATION THAT NO MATTER OF HARD WORK WAS GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERNCE IN ACHIEVING GOALS.

I REMEMBER THAT THE BACK OF MAXS FARM TRUCK HAD ALL THESE LOOSE LONG STRANDS OF HAIR IN DIFFERENT COLORS.  I THOUGHT IT WAS HORSE HAIR BUT THE HAIR WAS ATTACHED BY DARK PATCHES TO CHAINS HE HAD BOUNCING AROUND THE BACK OF THE TRUCK.  THE BACK OF HIS TRUCK SMELLED LIKE OLD SOCKS IT WAS MUSTY AND THICK.  HE HAD A CAMPER ON THE BACK AND THAT ADDED TO THE CONCENTRATION OF THE ODOR.

CURSE WORDS ALARM ME DEEP IN MY PSYCHE.  IT REMINDS ME OF HOW MOODS WOULD CHANGE AT THE HOUSE RIGHT BEFORE SOMETHING AWFUL WOULD HAPPEN.

I ALSO HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE COURT CASE WHERE GLENDA WAS DIAGNOSED WITH POLY SUBSTANCE DISORDER WHEN SHE TRIED TO SUE ONE OF HER DOCTORS FOR OVER PERSCRIBING HER MEDS.  IM NOT SURE IF THIS WAS JUST A MONEY GRAB OR IF SHE WAS TRYING TO COVER HER BUTT DUE TO SOME OTHER REASON.  THERE WAS ALSO A COURT CASE WHERE AUNT STELLA JEAN WAS FOUND GUILTY FOR SPENDING MAX AND EDITHS MONEY THROUGH THE POWER OF ATTORNEY ACCESS SHE GAINED THROUGH JOE MAX.  PROVING THAT BOTH WHERE LIARS AND SO CONVINCED OF THERE MANIPULATIONS THAT THEY COULD SURVIVE A COURT VERDICT

A FEW NIGHTS AGO, I FELL TO THE FLOOR OUT OF MY CHAIR IN THE KITCHEN. TWICE IN ONE NIGHT CAN YOU BELIEVE IT BUT BOTH TIMES I GOT BACK UP AND MADE IT TO THE RECLINER.  I WAS VERY PROUD OF MYSELF.  I HAVE ALSO NOTICED THAT I HAVE BEEN LIVING LIKE AN OLD PERSON.  MY DAILY ROUTINE IS SET BY WHAT I FEEL I CAN GET DONE DUE TO EXHAUSTION AND PAIN.

I MADE A CONNECTION ABOUT THE SEX SLAVES THAT ROBERT AND GLENDA TARFFICED IN.  NEITHER OF THEM SPOKE SPANISH SO THEY WHERE LIMITED TO ENGLISH SPEAKING SEX SLAVES AND THIS CAUSED THEM MANY PROBLEMS.  FIRST THEY COULDN’T KIDNAP THEM THEY HAD TO LURE THEM.  THEN THEY COULDN’T WORK IN THE SPANISH COMMUNITY TO FIND AND BUY SEX SLAVES.  THEY HAD TO KIDNAPP AND SELL TO WHITE MEN WHO WOULD TRY AND STEAL THE SEX SLAVE AND OR TELL THE COPS WHEN THEY WERE CHARGED TO MUCH OR DENIED ACCESS BECAUSE THEY BEAT THEM TO HARD.

I HAVE BEEN WONDERING IF EVERYONE IS BORN WITH A PURPOSE THEN WHAT WILL MINE BE SINCE I HAVE SO MANY DEFIECTS AND SO FEW STRENGTHS.  IT SEEMS LIKE AT EVERY TURN I RUN INTO A LIMITATION.  NOTHING COMES EASY AND I HAVE TO CONTINUALLY STRUGGLE THROUGH LIFE.  YES, IT COULD BE HARDER BUT I THINK ITS HARD ENOUGH TO HOLD SO MUCH PAIN FOR SO LONG.  WHEN WILL THE TIDE TURN AND I CAN BEGIN TO REEP THE REWARDS OF HAVING SUFFERED FOR SO LONG.

SUFFICATION WAS BY FAR THE WORST TORTURE THAT THOSE TWO MADE ME SUFFER IT WAS LIKE KNOWING YOUR DIEING AND HAVING TO SEE THE GLEE IN THEIR EYES AS THEY CASUED THIS TO HAPPEN

I HAD TROUBLE APOLOGIZING WHEN I WAS YOUNG SINCE MAKING YOU APOLOGIZE WAS ONE OF THE WAYS, THEY WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ABUSE.  THEY WOULD OFTEN WAIT UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZED AND THEN BEAT YOU EVEN HARDER BY JUSTIFYING YOUR APOLOGIZING AS A CONFESSION THAT JUSTIFIED EVEN MORE ABUSE.  I NEVER KNEW WHAT THE SET UP WAS WOULD THESE PEOPLE I APOLOGIZED TOO IN LIFE BEAT ME AS WELL.

I NEW REALIZATION HAS COME TO ME AND I WORRY THAT IF I HAVE A ROMANTIC CONNECTION WITH SOMEONE AND THEY BREAK UP WITH ME AND THEN FLASHBACKS ARE OCCURING WILL I BE ABLE TO SAY NO TO THE SUICIDAL IDEATIONS.  WILL THEY FINALLY WIN?

I REMEMBER THAT FOR AWHILE ROBERT CARRIED A SHERIFFS BADGE IN HIS POCKET.  HE NEVER USED IT AROUND ME OR AT THIS TIME I AT LEAST DO NOT RECALL HIM USING IT.  I JUST RECALL THAT I SAW IT FROM TIME TO TIME WHEN HE PULLED OUT CASH FROM HIS FRONT POCKET WHEN PAYING FOR STUFF.  HE WOULD QUICKLY SLIDE IT BACK IN AND WHEN I ASKED ABOUT IT I GOT POPPED IN THE HEAD AND HE USED HIS RING TO MAKE HEAD CONATCT AND THAT STING MADE ME CRY AND DISSOCIATE ENOUGH TO NOT RECALL IT UNTIL NOW.

GLENDA SPENT HER LIFE GOING THROUGH VARIOUS FORMS OF CHRISTIANTY BECAUSE SHE WAS LOOKING FOR SALVATION WITHOUT CONFESSION.  SHE WANTED THE MOST SELF SERVING FORM OF GODLY RELATIONSHIP SHE COULD FIND THAT DIDN’T REQUIRE ACCOUNTABILITY.  ROBERT AVOIDED THE CHURCH BECAUSE HE FEARED BEING JUDGED AND MADE MANY COMMENTS TO ME WHENI WAS IN COLLEGE THAT I HAD BETTER NOT PSYCHOANALYSIS HIM.  HE HAD THIS FEAR THAT GOD AND PSYCHOLOGY COULD SEE THE REAL HIM, GLENDA ON THE HAND NEVER HAD THIS FEAR SHE FELT SOLID IN HER REALITY. 

TONY ROBISON AND ANY MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER REALLY DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS

ROBERT, GLENDA, AND GREG WOULD GANG UP ON ME AND CASUE ME GREAT PAIN.  THEN WHEN OTHERS WHERE AROUND THEY WOULD PRETEND TO BE TOTALLY NORMAL AND ACT AS IF I WAS MENTALLY ILL.  THIS WAS VERY CRAZY MAKING BEHAVIOR AND LED TO AMNY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS SINCE IT FELT LIKE THEY WERE KILLING ME FROM THE INSIDE.

I WATCHED ONE DAY OUTSIDE OF MAX’S HOUSE TOWARD THE NEIGHBOR WHO LIVED TO THE LEFT OF THEM WHEN YOU’RE LOOKING AT THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE.  MAX HAD BOTH HANDS AROUND THE THROAT OF THIS CAT AND IT WASN’T MAKING A SOUND ITS EYES BULDGED AND IT WAS SCRATCHING WITH ALL ITS MIGHT AT HIS ARMS.  BLOOD RAN OFF MAX’S ARMS BUT HE NEVER LET GO AND THEN THE CAT WENT LIMP.  MAX, ROBERT, AND THE MALE NEIGHBOR ALL LAUGHED AND I STOOD FROZEN AS MAX THREW THE CAT DOWN AND WALKED AWAY HE RETURNED WITH A SHOVEL AND DUG A HOLE FOR THE CAT.  WHILE THIS WAS TAKING PLACE ROBERT HAD CAUGHT A CAT AND WAS TRYING TO DO THE SAME THING BUT HE COULDN’T ENDURE THE PAIN.  HE EVENTUALLY BROKE THE CATS NECK AND THEN THROUGH IT DOWN AND STOMPED ON ITS HEAD MAX TOSSED HIM THE SHOVEL AND THEN ROBERT ANGIRLY DUG A HOLE WHILE WINCING AND MAX MADE FUN OFF HIM FOR BEING A PUSSY.  THE NEIGHBOR WAS LAUGHING AND THEN LEFT TO GO BACK INSIDE.  MAX HAD HELD EYE CONTACT THE ENTIRE TIME AND ROBERT COULDN’T KEEP THE STEALY GAZE AND WAS TRYING NOT TO CRY.

NO ONE CAN HELP WITH MY SADNESS SO I JUST DON’T TALK ABOUT IT WITH ANYONE

I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT I WOULD SAY TO SOMEONE I WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH AND HONESTLY, I DON’T REALLY KNOW.  I WOULD ASK FOR MERCY AND KINDNESS BUT IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT MY SYSTEM WAS DOING IN RELATION TO THE FEELINGS I WAS HAVING.

LIZA MENNELLI WAS SO ENTERTAINING THE NIGHT THAT GLENDA TOOK ME TO SEE HER THAT I DROPPED MY GUARD AND RELAXED AROUND GLENDA.  I STOPPED PUTTING HER NEEDS FIRST THAT NIGHT.  THEN SHE TESTED ME BY TELLING ME A GIRL AT SCHOOL THAT I KNEW THOUGHT I WAS CUTE.  THAT SENT ME OVER THE RAINBOW AND FOR A SMALL WINDOW OF TIME I SEEMED TO HAVE A BACKBONE.  THAT TRIGGERED GLENDA INTO A HOMOCIDAL RAGE AND SHE ALMOST KILLED ME AND WOULD HAVE IF ROBERT HADNT GRABBED HER AND DRAGGED HER INTO THEIR BEDROOM.  NO ONE CHECKED ON ME OR SAW TOO MY WOUNDS BUT AT LEAST THE ATTACK STOPPED.

I HAVE COME TO VIEW ROBERT, GLENDA, AND MY BROTHERS AS ACTORS IN A PLAY.  I JUST DON’T SEE THEM AS A FAMILY, JUST PEOPLE PLAYING A PART IN MY LIFE.  AS IF MY LIFE HAS SIMPLY BEEN A PRODUCTION FOR REVIEW.

 

HAPPY