JOURNAL ENTRY: MORE FLASHBACKS MORE VICTIMS 2024

 

 

MORE FLASHBACKS MORE VICTIMS

IT’S A COLD 42 DEGREES OUTSIDE AND IT’S BEEN RAINING SINCE LAST NIGHT.  I HAVE BEEN UNDER SUCH STRESS THAT I GOT MY DAYS MIXED UP AND THOUGHT TODAY WAS TUESDAY.  EDDIE IS WITH ME AND WE ARE AT STARBUCKS ONCE AGAIN.  THIS IS A LOT OF JOURNALING IN A VERY SHORT PERIOD OF TIME AND IT MAKES MY BONES ACHE TO HAVE SO MANY UPSETTING IMAGES PUSH THROUGH.  I AM HOPING THAT THIS WILL BE THE LAST FOR SOME TIME BUT AS I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY HISTORY IT WILL BE WHATEVER IT WANTS I JUST ALONG FOR THE RIDE.  I FIND MY SELF EXHAUSTED AND IN GREAT PAIN FROM THIS LAST JOURNAL ENTRY MY DAYS ARE JUST SUFFERING, INTERRUPTED BY A FEW HOURS OF SLEEP AND THEN REPEAT.

DURING A RIDE TO SHERMAN WHEN I WAS ABOUT 10 ROBERT STARTED TO BLURT AS HE OFTEN DID AND HE BEGAN TO EXPLAIN THAT SOMETIMES MAX MADE HIM DIG HOLES ON THE ACREAGE.  HE THEN BEGAN TO EXPLAIN HOW IT WAS HOT AND HE HAD TO WORK ON THESE HOLES UNTIL MAX WAS SATISFIED.  SOMETIMES MAX WAS NOT SATISFIED AND HE WOULD LEAVE ROBERT OUT THERE ON THE ACREAGE.  ROBERT WENT ON TO EXPLAIN HOW MANY TIMES HE HAD BEEN LEFT WITH A ROTTING DEAD BODY IN THE DARK AND HOW SCARY IT WAS SINCE SOMETIMES THEY MADE NOISES.  I WAS LOOKING AT HIM WHEN HE STARTED TO TELL THIS STORY AND THEN I BECAME FROZEN AND I CAME OUT OF THIS MOMENT VERY SORE AND WITH A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN.  I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I HAD BEEN DOING OR WHY I WAS CONTORTED IN SUCH A MANNER.  ALL I KNEW IS THAT MY STOMACH HURT AND I FELT LIKE VOMITING AND THAT I WAS DISGUSTED BY ROBERT AND THUS STARED OUT THE WINDOW HOPING HE WOULDN’T TALK AND THAT WE COULD GET TO SHERMAN FASTER SO I COULD GET OUT.

WHEN I WAS AGE 5 I WAS AT MAX’S HOUSE AND I WAS CLIMBING AROUND THE GARAGE AND STARTED TO CLIMB THE BACK OF HIS TRUCK LOOKING FOR COWBOY SADDLES.  WHAT I SAW WAS A TAN PERSON WITH SHOULDER LENGTH HAIR WEARING A YELLOW SHIRT DARK PANTS AND NO SHOES.  THEN THE ODOR HIT ME AND I FELL TO THE GROUND GAGGING FOR FRESH AIR.  I WENT INTO THE HOUSE AND TOLD MAX THAT SOMEONE WAS ASLEEP IN THE BED OF HOS TRUCK AND HE TOLD ME TO LET THEM SLEEP.  SO, I DID AND I WENT OUTSIDE IN THE BACKYARD AND STARTED PLAYING AROUND.

I BELIEVE THAT THIS TIME AT HOME ON DISABILITY HAS ALLOWED ME TO REST AND OPENED TO A DEEPER PART OF MY MIND.  THE DOOR TO MY SUBCONSCIOUS IS ALLOWING MORE OF MY PAST TO FLOAT THROUGH AND SURFACE LIKE BUBBLES IN A POOL

I REMEMBER SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE WHEN I WAS YOUNG IN THE HOUSE OF HATE AND TELLING GLENDA I WAS GOING TO DIG FOR GOLD IN THE BACKYARD LIKE I HAD SEEN THEM DO ON TV.  GLENDA SLAPPED ME AND THEN SAID THERE WILL BE NO DIGGING IN THE BACKYARD DO I WANT HER TO GO TO JAIL.  I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND HOW DIGGING FOR GOLD WOULD LEAD TO HER GOING TO JAIL BUT I STOPPED TALKING ABOUT IT.  SHE KEPT GLARING AT ME DURING THE DAY AND THEN JUST ATTACKED ME WHILE I WAS ON THE COUCH.  SHE HAD BOTH HANDS AROUND MY THROAT AND WAS PUSHING DOWN WITH ALL HER WEIGHT.  MY SIGHT WENT BLACK AND I WOKE UP WITH WET PANTS LAYING ON THE FLOOR NOT SURE HOW I GOT THERE.  I WAS VERY FRIGHTENED SINCE I HAD AN ISSUE WITH WETTING THE BED AND RECEIVED A LOT OF SHAME ASSOCIATED WITH HAVING ACCIDENTS.

I REMEMBER THAT ROBERT AND GLENDA TALKED ABOUT INHERITANCE A LOT AND ALWAYS HAD PLANS THAT SEEMED CONNIVING AND ILLEGAL.  THERE HATRED OF THERE FAMILY MEMBERS AND HOW FAR THEY WHERE WILLING TO GO CASH IN SO TO SPEAK KEPT THEM SCHEMING HOUR AFTER HOUR.  GREG PICKED UP THIS BEHAVIOR AND HE TOO SHARED PLANS ABOUT WHAT HE WOULD DO WITH THE MONEY FROM THE RELATIVES AND CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA THAT GLENDA WOULD BUY HIM A CAR WASH.  THIS WAS SUCH AN INTENSE TOPIC FOR HIM AND HE RUMINATED ON IT SO OFTEN THAT WHEN I WAS IN HIGHSCHOOL I WOULD JUST GO TO THE GYM BY MYSELF TO GET AWAY FROM HIS CONSTANT FORESHADOWING OF HOW HE WAS GOING TO DO THIS AND THAT WITH MONEY THAT BELONGED TO SOMEONE ELSE.  LATER IN LIFE AFTER RELATIVES HAD PASSED HE DID GO INTO BUSINESS WITH GLENDA AND INHERITED A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY AND HOUSES FROM HER ESTATE.  HE WAS SO FOCUSED ON NOT MISSING THIS OPPORTUNITY THAT HE AND HIS FAMILY LIVED WITH HER UNTIL HER DEATH.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG MAYBE AGE 4 GLENDA WAS SINGING IN THE HOUSE AND WALKING AROUND LIKE SHE WAS IN A GOOD MOOD.  THIS NEVER HAPPENED AND IT DIDN’T MAKE ANY SENSE BUT I JUST SAT THERE WATCHING CARTOONS.  SHE WAS IN HER BATHROOM FOR A LONG TIME AND THEN WHEN SHE CAME OUT EACH TIME SHE LOOKED MORE DIFFERENT THAN THE LAST.  SOMEONE KNOCKED AT THE DOOR AND I HOLLERED TO HER AND SHE TOLD ME TO OPEN IT.  THE MAN ADDRESSED ME B Y NAME AND I RECOGNIZED HIM AS SOMEONE FROM CHURCH.  HE HAD A FULL SUIT ON AND WALKED PAST ME.  GLENDA WAS DRESSED IN CLOTHES I HAD NEVER SEEN AND HAD LOTS OF MAKEUP ON.  THEY KISSED AND THEN SHE TOOK HIS HAND AND THEY WENT INTO HER BEDROOM.  THEY NEVER SHUT THE DOOR AND THE NOISES WERE REALLY LOUD AND GUTTURAL.  MANY TIMES, I COULDN’T HEAR THE TV AND HAD TO PUT MY HANDS OVER MY EARS.  THE MAN CAME OUT WITHOUT HIS CLOTHES ALL THE WAY BUTTONED AND HIS COAT WAS ACROSS HIS ARM.  HE USED MY NAME AND SAID GOODBYE THEN GLENDA CAME OUT AND TOLD ME TO NOT TELL ROBERT.  I REALLY DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL.  SHE DETERIORATED AFTER THIS SESSION WITH THIS MAN AND WAS CRYING AT TIMES AND SAYING, ‘HE DOES LOVE ME” THEN SHE FOCUSED HER ENERGY ON ME AND SAID, ‘YOU’LL TELL HIM I KNOW YOU WILL, YOU’RE HIS FAVORITE’ THEN SHE JUMPED ON ME AND PUSHED ME TO THE FLOOR AND BEGAN CHOKING ME UNTIL ALL WENT BLACK.

I BELIEVE THAT MAX AND ROBERT CHAINED PEOPLE IN RAVINES OR LOW SPOTS BECAUSE THE SCREAMS COULDN’T CARRY SO FAR.  IT WAS HARDER FOR THE WIND TO PICK UP THEIR SOUNDS AND PUSH THEM ACROSS ACREAGE TO A FARMER OR RANCHERS EARS.  THE FACT THAT WATER RAN THROUGH THESE AREAS MAY ALSO HAVE PLAYED A ROLE IT WAS A GUARANTEE TO ERASE TRACKS AND DISTURBED EARTH.  IT ALSO OBSCURED THEIR MOVEMENTS FROM DISTANCES.  WHEN YOUR ON THE ACREAGE THINGS THAT MOVE CATCH YOUR EYE AND CAUSE YOU TO INVESTIGATE.  THUS, BY HAVING THE WOMEN TIED ON SHORT CHAINS KEPT THEM FROM GETTING ABOVE THE RAVINE EDGE AND THEY COULDN’T SIGNAL TO ANYONE WHO MAY HAVE BEEN ON THE ACREAGE FOR OTHER PURPOSES SUCH AS HUNTING.  I WONDER IS HUNTING AND HARVEST TIMES PLAYED A ROLE IN WHEN THEY USED THE CHAIN METHOD OR WHAT PASTURE THEY USED. 

I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS YOUNG MAYBE AGE 5 ROBERT AND MAX HAD TAKEN ME OUT TO THE DORCHESTER FARM AND GOT OUT OF MAX’S TRUCK.  THEY STARTED TO WALK AWAY FROM THE TRUCK AND I HAD TO REMIND THEM TO GET MY 22 RIFLES SO WE COULD SHOOT GUNS.  THAT’S WHAT THEY HAD SAID THAT WE WERE GOING TO DO.  THEY HURRIEDLY GAVE ME THE RIFLE AND SOME SHELLS IN MY HAND.  THEY HAD NEVER DONE THIS THEY ALWAYS LOADED THE CARTRIDGE FOR ME SINCE MY FINGERS WHERE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO GET THE LITTLE BULLETS INTO THE TINY METAL OPENING.  I PUT THE BULLETS IN MY POCKET THERE WAS ONLY ABOUT 5 MAYBE 8 AND IT TOOK BOTH HANDS TO CARRY THE RIFLE AND I HAD TO RUN TO CATCH UP AND THAT WAS GUN SAFETY 101, YOU DON’T RUN WITH A GUN.  THEY IGNORED THIS AND KEPT WALKING BRISKLY INTO THE WOODS DEEPER AND DEEPER.  THE GUN WAS HEAVY BUT I THOUGHT WE WOULD STOP SOON SO I COULD SHOOT.  THEN THIS SCREAM OCCURRED AND I WAS IN SHOCK I DIDN’T KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM AND I WAS LOOKING UP INTO THE TREES THINKING IT WAS A LARGE CROW.  ROBERT AND MAX HAD KEPT WALKING AND I WAS TRYING TO LOOK FOR THIS CROW AND CATCH UP, FORTUNATELY I HAD A WINTER COAT ON AND LONG PANTS WITH BOOTS SO THE VEGETATION DIDN’T HURT BUT WHEN IT HIT MY FACE.  IT WAS COLD ENOUGH TO MAKE THAT CONTACT STING.  THE SCREAM HAPPENED AGAIN AND THIS TIME I KNEW IT WAS IN FRONT OF ME.  I KEPT LOOKING FOR ROBERT AND MAX AND WHEN I FOUND THEM, THEY BOTH HAD LONG STICKS AND THEY WERE HITTING DOWN AT SOMETHING WHILE LAUGHING, I HAD SEEN THEM DO THIS TO CATS BEFORE SO I THOUGHT THEY HAD CAUGHT SOME ANIMAL.  THEN I GOT CLOSER AND IT WAS A SMALL BODY WITH BLACK HAIR AND WHITE SKIN, SHE WAS SCREAMING BEGGING FOR MERCY AND MAX AND ROBERT WERE ENJOYING THEMSELVES.  SHE WAS TRYING TO SPEAK BUT HER FACE WAS A PILE OF BRUISES AND BLOOD AND I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THAT CAME OUT.  WHEN MAX AND ROBERT STOPPED, SHE WAS LAYING WITH HER ARMS OVER HER HEAD AND HER LEGS PULLED UP.  THERE WAS A LIGHT SLEET FALLING DOWN AND IT SEEMED TO BE GETTING COLDER.  MAX WAS SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT ‘FEEL LIKE CALLING THE POLICE NOW’ THEN ROBERT SAID, SO WHAT DID YOU TELL THEM’ THE LADY JUST CRIED’ THE ROBERT SAID, ‘ITS ONLY MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE FIND YOUR DAUGHTER’.  THIS CAUSED THE LADY TO FIND SOME NEW STRENGTH AND SHE STOOD WHILE SHIVERING AND POINTED HER FINGER AT ROBERT AND THEN TRIED TO MAKE WORDS HAPPEN BUT JUST GOOP CAME OUT ACTUAL PHLEGM WITH BLOOD JUST RAN OUT OF HER MOUTH, IT LOOKED LIKE SOME OF HER TEETH WERE GONE AND HER JAW JUST WASN’T SET RIGHT.  THEN ROBERT AND MAX LAUGHED AND THEY POKED AT HER WITH THEIR STICKS AND LAUGHED AT HER THEN BEAT HER DOWN AGAIN UNTIL SHE WAS LAYING PANTING ON THE COLD GROUND UNABLE TO DEFEND HERSELF WITH HER ARMS.  MAX SAID ‘I’LL WARM YOU UP’ AND THE BEGAN TO URINATE ON HER AND ROBERT DID THE SAME.  WHEN SHE TURNED HER FACE, WHICH IS THE ONLY THING, SHE SEEMED TO BE ABLE TO MOVE THEY WOULD CHANGE POSITION SO EACH TIME THEY WERE PUTTING THEIR STREAM INTO HER FACE.  THEN THEY STARTED TO LAUGH AND ROBERT SAID, ‘LETS GO FIND HER WHORE OF A DAUGHTER’ THEY PASSED ME AND STARTED TO WALK OUT OF THE WOODS (GREAT DEAL OF PAIN IN MY BACK RIGHT NOW AND MY HANDS) WHEN I LIKED BACK AT THE WOMAN, SHE WAS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME AND I FROZE.  I WAS JARRED OUT OF THIS BY ROBERT YANKING MY JACKET AND PUNCHING ME IN THE KIDNEYS.  I DROPPED THE GUN AND HE PICKED IT UP THEN HE SAID, ‘WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS YOU’VE GOT TO BE USE TO THIS BY NOW’.  I HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT BUT WHEN I TURNED THERE WHERE TWO LONG THICK STICKS THAT WERE LEANING UP AGAINST A TREE AND I THOUGHT MAYBE WE WHERE OUT HERE SETTING TRAPS OR BUILDING BARBED WIRE FENCES.  WE MADE IT TOO THE TRUCK AND IT WAS RUNNING AND I COULD SEE THE STEAM THE MUFFLER MADE.  ROBERT PUSHED ME INTO THE CAB AND TOOK THE RIFLE FROM ME.  MAX AND ROBERT WERE TALKING ABOUT FINDING SOMEONE AND WHERE THEY COULD LOOK AND MAX KEPT OFFERING UP HOW HIS FRIENDS HADN’T SEEN THEM AT THEIR GRAND PARENTS HOUSE.  I THOUGHT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT MY GIRL COUSINS.  WHICH CONFUSED ME SINCE MAX WAS THE GRAND PARENT AND WOULDN’T HE KNOW WHO WAS AT HIS HOUSE.  I DIDN’T SAY A WORD BUT IT WAS LIKE THEY WERE TALKING CRAZY AND IT JUST DIDN’T MAKE SENSE TO ME.  WE KEPT DRIVING BACK TO SHERMAN AND THE SLEET GOT WORSE AND WORSE AND IT WAS COMING DOWN THICK WHEN WE GOT BACK TO MAXS AND ROBERT SAID WE HAD TO GET HOME.  WE STARTED TO DRIVE HIS TAN VAN AND IT WAS VERY TREACHEROUS WITH LOTS OF WRECKS GETTING BACK TO IRVING.  LATER THAT NIGHT WHEN I WAS GETTING READY FOR BED I PULLED THE 22 SHELLS OUT OF MY POCKET AND COULDN’T REMEMBER WHY I HAD THEM OR WHERE THEY HAD COME FROM.  I WAS FEARFUL THAT IF I GOT CAUGHT WITH THEM THAT I WOULD GET A BEATING SINCE WE WHERE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE SHELLS OUT OF THE HUNTING BAGS.  I ALSO REMEMBER THAT BEFORE WE LEFT ROBERT CALLED MAX AND TOLD HIM THAT THE BITCH WOULDN’T TELL US SO WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHERE SHE IS.  (THAT JUST RELEASED A GREAT DEAL OF TENSION, MY SHOULDERS FINALLY RELAXED AS DID MY BACK)

MAX, I BELIEVE I PLAYED A ROLE IN TELLING ROBERT ABOUT COMPLAINTS FILED IN SHERMAN OR THE SURROUNDING AREAS.  I KNOW MAX FOUND ADDRESSES AND PLACES WHERE REPORTING VICTIMS LIVED AND KEPT ROBERT UP TO DATE ON THE ACTIVITY OF INVESTIGATIONS AND MOST LIKELY LAW ENFORCEMENT TOLD HIM WHEN HE WAS IN THE CLEAR.  I THINK MAX HAD PTSD TOO AND THAT HE DRANK TO FIGHT HIS FLASHBACKS AND FEELINGS OF HOPELESSNESS AND LONELINESS THAT COME WITH HAVING CPTSD

AT TIMES WHEN MY PARENTS ACTED LIKE ACTUAL PARENTS IT WAS SO FOREIGN THAT I FOUND IT TRIGGERING AND UPSETTING CRAZY MAKING BEHAVIOR.  THEY CHANGED GEARS SO QUICKLY THAT I HAD NO COPING MECHANISMS.  THERE WAS NO LOGIC TOO IT THEY WHERE SO OFF THE NORM THAT IT WOULD CAUSE ME TO FEEL OVERWHELMED AND INTERNALLY CRAZY.  THIS WAS NOT THEM BEING NICE THIS WAS JUST CRAZY IN A DIFFERENT PACKAGE AND STILL DANGEROUS BUT IN A DIFFERENT PACKAGE.

WHENEVER GLENDA FELT THAT SHE WASN’T GETTING ENOUGH ATTENTION SHE WOULD BEGIN TO TELL ME THAT SHE WAS DYING OR THAT SHE WAS GOING TO KILL HERSELF.  THIS WOULD HAVE ME IN TEARS BUT IT OCCURRED SO FREQUENTLY THAT I EVENTUALLY BUILT OF A DEFENSE MECHANISM.  I DIDN’T WANT HER TO DIE BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO BE HELD HOSTAGE EITHER.  SHE WOULD MAKE UP THESE SCENARIOS ABOUT LEAVING ROBERT AND STARTING WITH JUST HER AND HER BOYS AS SHE WOULD SAY.  SHE OFTEN BROUGHT UP TINA TURNER AND HOW SHE LEFT IKE TURNER.  I TOLD HER THAT SHE COULD JUST LEAVE ME WITH ROBERT (MY DECISION WAS BASED UPON THE FACT THAT HE ABUSED ME LESS) THIS WOULD MAKE HER VERY ANGRY AND SHE WOULD MAKE FISTS AND BEGIN TO HOT ME AND I LEARNED TO NOT LET HER GET BETWEEN ME AND THE STAIRS SO I COULD FLEE THESE ATTACKS, SHE KNEW I WOULD NEVER HIT HER.  WHEN SUICIDE THREATS DIDN’T WORK, SHE WOULD THEN BEGIN TO BLAME HER ASTHMA ATTACKS ON ME.  ONE TIME WE CALLED 911 AND THE AMBULANCE TOOK HER TO THE HOSPITAL ROBERT TOOK ME UP THERE TO SEE HER WHILE SHE WAS IN A BED.  SHE HELD MY HAND AND HAD HER HAND ON MY SHOULDER WHEN SHE TOLD ME THAT THIS HAD ALL HAPPENED BECAUSE OF ME AND THAT I HAD ALMOST KILLED HER.  I TRIED TO PULL AWAY BUT IN HER NICEST VOICE SHE COULD MUSTER SHE SAID, ‘I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT’.  WHEN I DID GET AWAY, I BUMPED INTO ROBERT WHO WAS STANDING RIGHT BEHIND ME AND TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT WITH GLENDA. (I REMEMBER THAT DAY AND I WAS SHAKEN FOR SEVERAL DAYS DUE TO THE INTIMATE BETRAYAL THAT SHE ONCE AGAIN GOT ME WITH) I WONDER IF AFTER HER MOTHER DIED IF HER FATHER HAD AN INCESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH HER SHE SEEMED TO KNOW THE PLAYING FIELD VERY WELL.

MAYBE THE REASON THAT ROBERT TOOK ME TO BURY THE CHAINED-UP WOMEN IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT MAX TOOK HIM AT THOSE TIMES AS WELL.  I DO REMEMBER HIM TRYING TO MAKE ME DIG A HOLE ONCE AT A DEER LEASE AND I COULD NEVER GET IT WHERE HE WANTED IT AND THUS OUR TIME RAN OUT AND WE HAD TO RETURN HOME

I LIED A LOT WHEN I WAS A CHILD SOME OF IT WAS GUESSING WHAT THE OTHER PERSON WANTED TO HEAR TO AVOID ABUSE AND AT TIMES IT WAS ME TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT FAMILY SECRETS I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT

THIS SERIES OF FLASHBACKS HAS BEEN SO INTENSE THAT I CRACKED ANOTHER TOOTH AND IT CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH.  I HAVE ASKED MICHAEL TO HELP ME GET IT PUT BACK IN.  I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY TEETH MY PTSD HAS MADE WORSE OVER THE YEARS BUT IF I DON’T FIX THEM QUICK THEN THEY GET INFECTED AND WOW THAT’S A HORRIBLE POSITION TO BE IN.

I THINK THAT THE LONELINESS IS THE HARDEST PART OF PTSD

I AM BEGINNING TO PIECE TOGETHER THROUGH THESE RECENT FLASHBACKS THAT I SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH MAX AND EDITH MORE THAN I HAVE EVER RECALLED.  I BELIEVE THAT GLENDA MUST HAVE BEEN SENDING ME AWAY TO LEVERAGE MICHAELS RETURN FROM THE COUSINS.

I REMEMBER THAT WHEN I HAD BUNK BEDS IN THE ROOM CLOSEST TOO THE STAIRS ONE NIGHT WHILE I WAS DRESSED IN LONG PAJAMAS, I HEARD A NOISE ON THE STAIRS THAT WOKE ME UP.  THEN THERE WAS A MOVEMENT IN THE DARK AND THE BUNK BED JOLTED LIKE SOMEONE WAS CLIMBING IT.  I SMELLED A HORRIBLE SMELL FIRST AND IT MADE ME NAUSEOUS AND THEN GLENDA APPEARED SHE SAID WORDS BUT I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND HER AND SHE WAS IN MY BED REALLY QUICK.  SHE WAS SAYING STUFF IN MY EAR WITH THAT HORRIBLE BREATH AND (SPASMS STARTED AGAIN RIGHT DOWN MY BACK AND LEGS) SHE HAD HER HAND ON MY CHEST AND WAS USING ONE FINGER TO DRAW LIKE A CIRCLE AND THEN THAT HAND WENT DOWN TO MY GROIN AND SHE RUBBED THERE.  SHE PULLED HER HAND UP AND TRIED TO GO INTO MY PANTS I QUICKLY JOLTED AWAY FROM HER AND PUT MY BACK AGAINST THE WALL AND I PUSHED HER AWAY WITH MY LEGS.  SHE GOT ANGRY AND ATTACKED WITH HER NAILS AND BEGAN TO SCRATCH ME.  IT TOOK ALL MY STRENGTH TO KEEP HERE AT BAY AND FINALLY SHE BEGAN TO GET OUT OF MY BUNK AND SHE KEPT SHUSHUSHING ME WITH HER FINGER OVER HER MOUTH LIKE WE HAD SOME SECRET TO KEEP.  SHE BUSIED HERSELF WITH SOMETHING BELOW ME THAT I COULDN’T SEE AND THEN I HEARD HER MUMBLE SOMETHING AND MAKE A KISSING SOUND.  SHE GRABBED SOMETHING OFF THE BUREAU AND THEN MADE IT TO THE STAIRS.  I CRIED AND CRIED AND EVENTUALLY FELL ASLEEP.  I WOKE UP TO THE SUN COMING THROUGH THE WINDOW AND GREG WAS STILL ASLEEP.  I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND FOUND GLENDA NAKED ON THE COUCH PASSED OUT I’M GUESSING FROM DRINKING OR PILLS.  I JUST COVERED HER UP AND STARTED WATCHING CARTOONS.  THE ISSUE FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE WAS REPRESSED AND I JUST THOUGH IT WAS ONE OF MANY WEIRD MOMENTS.

I WAS 4 OR MAYBE 5 AND I HAD BEEN LEFT HOME WITH ROBERT DURING THE SUMMER, THIS WAS VERY ODD SINCE HE WAS NEVER HOME DURING THE DAY AND IF HE WAS, HE WAS OUTSIDE WORKING ON SOMETHING.  ROBERT WAS PACING AND KEPT TELLING ME TO SIT DOWN AND BE QUITE I DID THIS SINCE I FEARED HIM AND HIS MOODS.  HE KEPT LOOKING OUT THE FRONT WINDOW AND THEN SUDDENLY HE OPENED THE DOOR.  THIS SMALL MAN WHO WAS WHITE AND BALDING AND WEARING A SWEATER THAT WAS BUTTONED IN THE FRONT.  BEHIND HIM WAS THIS SMALL GIRL WITH HAIR TO HER SHOULDERS OF A REDISH BROWN.  HER ARMS WHERE CROSSED AND SHE SHOOK WITH FEAR.  ROBERT GRABBED HER RIGHT OF WAY BY THE HAIR.  HE YANKED DOWN HARD AND STARTED TO STOMP HERE THEN PULLED HER UP AND PUT HIS HAND OVER HER MOUTH AND PINCHED HER NOSE WHILE SHE WAS PRESSED UP TO HIS BODY.  HE TOLD THE SKINNY MAN THAT HE COULD USE THIS TECHNIQUE AT HOME TO CONTROL HER.  SHE KICKED HER LEGS AND TRIED TO WRESTLE FREE BUT PASSED OUT.  ROBERT TOLD ME TO MOVE AND I GOT OFF THE COUCH AND CRAWLED UNDER THE TABLE.  I SAW HOM PLACE HER KNEES ON THE CUSHION SO HER BUT FACED HIM THEN HE DROPPED HIS PANTS AND STARTED TO RAPE HER WHILE HE HIT HER OVER AND OVER WITH HIS FISTS, SHE SCREAMED SO LOUD I COVERED MY EARS.  HE THEN PULLED HER UP BY HER HAIR AND TOLD HER THAT IF SHE DIDN’T DO WHAT SHE WAS TOLD SHE WOULD BE BROUGHT BACK.  THEN SHE WAS SOBBING AND SHAKING AND THE MAN SHOOK ROBERTS HAND AND ROBERT SAID, ‘IT WAS INCLUDED IN THE PRICE’.  AS THEY WHERE LEAVING A SHORT MAN APPEARED ON THE PORCH AND SAID, ‘DAM I MISSED IT’ THEN THEY BOTH LAUGHED AND TALKED FOR AWHILE.  I WAS CRYING ON THE FLOOR AND HAD THROWN UP A LITTLE AND I BECAME VERY DIZZY THAT I HAD TO LAY DOWN ON MY BELLY SO THE EARTH WOULD STOP MOVING AND FELL ASLEEP DUE TO EXHAUSTION. 

THESE RELEASES ARE CAUSING PAIN AS I TYPE BUT RELEASING ENERGY AS I CONCLUDE.  THE RELEASE MAKES ME SLEEPY

GLENDA HAD SENT ME INTO THE GARAGE TO LOCATE SOME AWFUL SMELL; SHE HAD THOUGHT A CAT HAD GOTTEN IN AND DIED. I COULDN’T LOCATE THE SMELL AT FIRST IT SEEMED TO COME FROM EVERYWHERE.  THEN I STARTED DOWN THROUGH THE STUFF ON THE RIGHT SIDE CLOSEST TO THE OUTER WALL.  ALL OF SUDDEN ROBERT BURST THROUGH THE DOOR AND PASSED GLENDA AND WENT STRAIGHT FOR ME I WAS SCARED HE STOPPED AND THEN HE PICKED UP A METAL AMMO BOX.  HE TURNED AND WALKED TOWARD GLENDA WHILE OPENING THE CONTAINER.  HE SAID, ‘I COULDN’T GET THE RINGS OFF’ WHEN HE OPENED THE BOX, THE STENCH WAS OVERWHELMING.  GLENDA TOLD HIM TO GET THAT THING OUTSIDE AND ROBERT WENT THROUGH THE SIDE GARAGE DOOR AND GLENDA TOLD ME TO GO HELP HIM.  ROBERT WAS NOT IN SIGHT WHEN I LEFT THE SIDE DOOR BUT I HAD HEARD THE GATE OPEN AND CLOSE.  WHEN I GOT TO THE BACK YARD, I SAW HIM WITH HIS BACK TOWARD ME AND HE HAD THE WATER HOSE, THE DOGS WERE GOING NUTS IN FRONT OF HIM.  I WENT AROUND HIM AND SAW THAT HE WAS WORKING SOMETHING IN HIS HANDS AND THEN HE TRIED TO HAND ME THESE RINGS I FROZE AND COULDN’T TAKE THEM I WAS TRANSFIXED STARING AT WHAT HE HAD IN HIS HAND.  HE WAS PULLING FLESH OFF FROM THIS HAND AND TOSSING IT TO THE DOGS, THEN HE WAS COLLECTING THE JEWELRY AND RINSING IT OFF.  HE WAS DROPPING BONES FROM THE HAND ONE AT A TIME AND THE DOGS WERE GRABBING THEM JUST AS QUICK.  THEN HE LET A HUGE CHUNK FALL AND I JUST STOOD THERE UNABLE TO MOVE.  HE TOLD ME TO TURN OFF THE WATER AS HE WENT INSIDE AND I COULDN’T MOVE.  I DIDN’T SNAP OUT OF IT UNTIL GLENDA SLAPPED ME AND I WAS STANDING IN A PUDDLE OF WATER AND I COULDN’T FIGURE OUT WHY I WAS STANDING THERE.  I HAD BEEN FROZEN ON THE BONES OF THE HAND AS I SUDDENLY PUT TOGETHER THAT IT WAS A HAND.

SOMETHING FOR THE SCIENTIST

ROBERT WOULD DIG HOLES FOR HIS BODIES, FIRST HE WOULD LINE THE BOTTOM WITH HEAVIER LOGS AND AFTER THEY TURNED INTO ASH OR EMBERS, HE WOULD THEN LAY THE BODIES IN VERY SYSTEMATICALLY COVERING THE SPACE EQUALLY.  THEN HE WOULD USE LIMBS TO COVER THE TOP AND USE EVEN SMALLER TWIGS TO TOP IT ALL OFF.  ONCE THAT WOOD CAUGHT FIRE, HE WOULD TAKE A SHOVEL AND SIFT DIRT ONTO THE TOP OF THE TWIGS UNTIL THEY FORMED A ROOF TO THE FIRE BUT HE WOULD LEAVE THE MIDDLE OPEN.  HE MAY HAVE LEARNED THIS FROM MAX IT MAY HAVE BEEN ONE OF HIS ALTERS WITH THEIR OWN STYLE OF CREMATION.  I KNOW THAT HE WOULD WORK ON THIS FOR HOURS AND INTO THE NIGHT IF HE HAD TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

LETTING GO OF THE BONES FROM THE HAND HITTING THE GROUND HAS ALLOWED A RELEASE IT HELPED SOOTH MY TENSION

I FEEL A LOT BETTER I WONDER WHY THIS SMALL FLASHBACKS ARE ACTUALLY HAVING RELEASES

I HAVE BEEN SO EXHAUSTED BY THESE FLASHBACKS AND I WISH THEY WOULD STOP BUT I KNOW ITS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO HELP THOSE MURDERED BY MY OWN BLOOD.

HAPPY