JOURNAL ENTRY: PAST FLASHBACKS KEEP PUSHING THROUGH 2024

 

 

PAST FLASHBACKS KEEP PUSHING THROUGH

SINCE MY LAST JOURNAL ENTRY WHICH WAS VERY RECENT THAT FLASHBACK HAS BEEN DEVELOPING AND THEN TODAY ANOTHER FLASHBACK THAT I HAVE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH KEEPS PUSHING THROUGH.  THE CURRENT ONE IN MY HEAD IS THE EVENT THAT HAPPENED AT SAM HOUSTON JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL IN THE FOOTBALL LOCKER ROOM.  WHERE THE VICE PRINCIPLE HAD THAT MEXICAN GIRL IN THE HOT SHOWER AND KEPT PUSHING HER INTO THE HOT WATER TELLING HER THAT SHE NEEDED TO BE CLEAN.  I REMEMBER THAT THE VICE PRINCIPAL BEAT ME AND KICKED ME MANY TIMES IN MY CHEST AND STOMACHE.  WHATS BEING ADDED IN ADDITION TO WHAT I HAVE ALREADY RECALLED IS THAT WHEN HE STOOD ME UP TO THROW ME OUTSIDE ONCE HE HAD ME OUT OF ROBERTS SITE HE TOOK MANY EXTRA FIST SHOTS TO MY BACK AND BELLY.  HE RAGED UPON ME WITH ALL THE STRENGTH HE HAD KNOCKING THE BREATH OUT OF ME BEFORE HE THREW ME OUT THE DOOR AND INTO THAT PUDDLE.  A PART OF ME THOUGHT I WAS DROWNING AND IT TOOK SOME TIME FOR ME TO UNCURL FROM THE BALL I WAS IN AND TO START COMING TO MY KNEES.  IT WAS SO AUTOMATIC LIKE I HAD BEEN IN THIS POSITION SO MANY TIMES BEFORE AND HAD TO PULL MYSELF UP OUT OF WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MANY OTHER GRAVES.  ROBERT HAD FAR MORE POWER IN THAT CRIMINAL ELEMENT THAN I HAD AT FIRST THOUGHT BUT IN REALITY, HE HAD POWER IN MANY CRIMINAL CIRCLES HE NEVER SEEMED TO BE THE MASTER MIND AS MUCH AS HE WAS THE ENFORCER. 

            WHAT HAS BEEN HAUNTING ME SINCE THE LAST ENTRY IS OCCURING WITH THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS THAT HAPPENED AT MAX’S HOUSE AND THE ACERAGE.  IN THE HOUSE WAS A BLONDE GIRL ABOUT MY AGE AND WE WHERE IN THE DOORWAY OF THE SITTING ROOM AS IT LED TO THE DEN.  I HAD THESE PLASTIC HORSES AND COWBOYS AND FENCE PIECES SHE HAD HER DOLLS AND WE WERE MAKING HORSE SOUNDS AND PRETENDING TO BE COWBOYS.  THE BLONDE WOMAN WAS THERE AND SHE WAS SMILING AND WATCHING US THEN HE EXCUSED HERSELF AND WENT OUT THE DOOR THAT LEADS TO THE GARAGE.  AFTER SHE LEFT MAX GRABBED THE LITTLE GIRL AND DRAGGED HER INTO THE DEN AND STARTED PUNCHING HER IN THE FACE OVER AND OVER.  WHEN HE GOT UP, SHE WAS LIMP AND HE WAS BLOODY THEN HE WAS RAGING IN THE DEN SCREAMING “SHIT” OVER AND OVER.  AFTER HE SEEMED TO GAIN HIS SENSES, HE SCOOPED UP THE LITTLE GIRL AND PUT HER INTO THE FREEZER.  THEN THERE WAS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND HE GRABBED ME UP BY MY COLLAR AND PUSHED ME OUT THE SLIDING GLASS WINDOW INTO THE BACK YARD.  THE LADIES VOICE WAS HEARD AS SHE WAS SAYING ‘HELLO’ OVER AND OVER AS SHE CAME DOWN BETWEEN THE HOUSES ON THE SIDE WHERE THE GARAGE WAS.  MAX APPROACHED HER AND SLAPPED HER HARD THEN GRABBED HER ARM AND POINTED THIS SMALL WESTERN LOOKING GUN AT HER.  HE WAS DIGGING THAT PISTOL INTO HER SIDE AND BACK AS HE MARCHED HER TOWARD THE FRONT TO THE HOUSE, THE SAME WAY SHE CAME TOWARD US.  I FOLLOWED NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS REALLY GOING ON AND MORE IN SHOCK THAN RATIONALLY MAKING DECISIONS.  MAX PUSHED HER INTO HIS FARM TRUCK AND THEN GOT IN AND STARTED IT UP.  HE DROVE AWAY WITH HER AND I JUST STOOD THERE NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO SINCE NO ONE WAS HOME AND THIS ALL JUST SEEMED TO BE ONE BIG BLUR.  I WENT BACK INTO THE HOUSE THROUGH THE GARAGE DOOR AND JUST SAT ON THE COUCH.  I KEPT HEARING THIS KNOCKING NOISE BUT IT NEVER ROUSED ME AND I NEVER LIFTED MY HEAD UP TO SEEK IT OUT.  IT FELT LIKE I WAS JUST LIMP BUT WAY TO RIDGID TO MOVE A MUSCLE.  I DO RECALL THAT THE LITTLE GIRL HAD A SPARKLEY SKIRT ON THAT WAS BABY BLUE, WITH THIS SHE HAD WHITE COWBOY BOOTS THAT ALSO HAD A SPARKLEY DESIGN.  THERE WAS A WHITE SPARKLEY HAT THAT SHE WORE WHEN SHE FIRST CAME OVER AND I WAS THERE.  THIS MOTHER AND DAUGHTER HAD ARRIVED EXPECTANTLY AT MAX’S HOUSE AND HE HAD SET A SCENE FOR THEM.  THAT’S WHY HE HAD THE PISTOL IN HIS POCKET AND HIS TRUCK KEYS, HE ALWAYS HUNG HIS TRUCK KEYS UP AT THE DOOR THAT LED TO THE GARAGE HE NEVER CARRIED THEM AROUND WITH HIM.  I REMEMBER THAT ROBERT SUDDENLY TOLD ME AT THE HOUSE OF HATE ONE DAY THAT I WAS GOING TO HELP GRANDAD WITH THE COWS AND I TOO HAD COWBOY BOOTS ON THAT DAY.  I ARRIVED WITH ROBERT ONE EVENING AND THEN HE LEFT ME AND BOTH GRANDMOTHER AND GRANDDAD WHERE THERE THEY FED ME A SANDWHICH AND THEN SENT ME TO BED.  THE NEXT MORNING GRANDMOTHER GAVE ME THE TUBE OF COWBOYS AND HORSES AND SHE LEFT.  MAX SEEMED TO BE TRYING TO GET HER OUT THE DOOR AND SHE HAD HER PURSE AND BIBLE.  THEN LATER THE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER SHOWED UP AND THE MOTHER KEPT ASKING TO SEE SOME SADDLE THAT MAX HAD TOLD HER ABOUT.  THE LIL GIRL JOINED ME ON THE FLOOR AND THEN THE MOM WENT SOMEWHERE AND CAME BACK.  WHEN MAX CAME BACK THERE WAS NO WOMAN WITH HIM AND I SIMPLY HAD BEEN STARING AT THE FLOOR THE WHOLE TIME, IT WENT FROM LIGHT OUTSIDE TO DARK AND I WAS SITTING IN THAT DARK THE KNOCKING SOUND HAD STOPPED NOT THAT I RECALLED IT THEN BUT I AM NOW.  MAX TURNED ON SOME LIGHTS NOT MANY THEN TURNED ON THE LIGHT TO THE FREEZER ROOM.  HE WAS WORKING WITH SOMETHING THAT SEEMED TO GIVE HIM A STRUGGLE AND HE KEPT SAYING, ‘DAMMIT’ OVER AND OVER.  HE DISAPPEARED BACK OUT THE DOOR TO THE GARAGE AND I COULD SEE WHITE COWGIRL BOOTS ON THE FLOOR, JUST THE TOE OF ONE BOOT FROM MY ANGLE.  HE CAME BACK IN HURRIDLY AND THEN GOT ON HIS KNEES WITH THE BLANKET THAT WAS PADDED SO MAYBE A HORSE BLANKET.  HE MADE A BUDLE THEN WENT OUT THE GARAGE DOOR THAT HE HAD LEFT OPEN.  HE DIDN’T RETURN TO SHUT THE DOOR BUT I COULD HEAR THE TRUCK DRIVE AWAY.  I MUST HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP EDITH WAS WAKING ME AND TELLING ME TO GO TO BED.  SHE HAD ALL THESE CLEANING SUPPLIES AND A BUCKET ON THE CARPET AND HER YELLOW GLOVES ON.  SHE WAS GUIDING ME PAST THIS OBSTACLE COURSE OF BOTTLES AND THEN MAX GRABBED MY ARM AND VERY ROUGHLY SHOVED ME INTO THE BEDROOM BY THE FRONT DOOR AND SHUT THE DOOR TO THE ROOM I JUST STOOD THERE IN THE DARK FOR SOME TIME BEFORE I FELL AGAINST THE BED AND I PULLED THE COVERS DOWN TO THE FLOOR.  I FELT TOO WEAK TO DO MORE.  (I’M FEELING A LOT BETTER BUT I DON’T THINK I GOT ALL OF THIS OUT JUST YET) 

IM SITTING AT STARBUCKS IN GREENVILLE WITH EDDIE.  I AM STILL VERY SORE FROM THE LAST FEW DAYS OF THIS FLASHBACK STUFF AND TRYING TO HOLD MY EMOTIONS TOGATHER SO AS NOT TO ALARM THE SIMPLE COUNTRY FOLK AROUND ME THAT I ABSOLUTLY CHERISH SO MUCH.  I DO SO LOVE THE CONVERSATIONS I HAVE HERE AND THEY ARE ALWAYS SO KIND AND PLEASANT TO ME NO ONE HERE IS A BOSS OR ADMINISTRATIVELY MINDED THEY ARE WORKERS AND THIS IS THEIR TIME FOR FAMILY AND SO MANY FAMILIES HAVE COME THROUGH AND THE LOVE IN THE CHILDRENS EYES IS REAL, ITS JUST A LOVELY SITE.

MAX PULLED ME OFF THE FLOOR AND PUSHED ME INTO THE BATHROOM AND TOLD ME TO ‘TAKE A PISS’ THEN WHEN I CAME OUT HE HAD CHANGED CLOTHES BUT I HADNT.  HE PULLED ME BY THE ARM THROUGH THE HOUSE AND OUT INTO THE GARAGE.  HE SHOVED ME INTO THE TRUCK I REALLY COULDN’T MOVE WELL.  I WAS GROGY AND THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO FEED THE COWS.  WE DID END UP GOING DONW DIRT ROADS AND THEN STOPPING BY A FENCE, NOT A GATE.  HE HAD A SHOVEL AND HAD GONE THROUGH A BARBED WIRE FENCE AND WAS CALLING ME TO CATCH UP.  HE STOPPED ME ABOVE THIS RAVINE AND TOLD ME TO KEEP AN EYE OUT.  HE STARTED TO DIG A HOLE AND KEPT AT IT FOR SOME TIME AND I JUST KEPT WONDERING WHERE THE COWS WHERE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DIGGING FOR WATER FOR THE COWS AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO SCARE THEM AWAY IF THEY SHOWED UP.  HE HAD A HOLE SO DEEP THAT HE WAS HAVING TO THROW DIRT OVER HIS HEAD TO GET IT OUT OF THE HOLE.  I THOUGHT IT WAS THE BEGINNING TO A NEW POND OR MAYBE A WELL THAT WOULD FILL UP THE CREEK.  THEN HE JUMPED OUT OF THE HOLE AND WALKED UP TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CREEK BED AND STARTED TO THROW BRUSH AROUND AND THERE WAS THE LITTLE GIRL.  ALL I COULD SEE WAS HER BOOTS THE TOP PART OF HER WAS WRAPPED IN THAT BLANKET.  HE PICKED HER UP AND DRAGGED THEN THROUGH HER BODY INTO THE HOLE.  HE DIDN’T ARRANGE HER SHE FELL IS A SEATED POSITION WITH HER HEAD UP HIGH.  HE JUMPED DOWN INTO THE HOLE AND STARTED TO KICK HER BODY THEN HE STARTED TO JUMP UP AND DOWN ON HER WITH THIS RAGE THAT CROSSED HIS FACE I HAD NEVER SEEN HIM THAT ANGRY.  THEN HE STARTED TO USE THE SHOVEL TO SLAM THE METAL PART DOWN ON HER AND HE WAS SCREAMING AND GRUNTING TO CATCH HIS BREATH AS HE KEPT SAYING, ‘YOU DUMB WHORE, YOU AND YOUR BITCH OF A MOTHER’  HE SAID OTHER WORDS TOO BUT I COULDN’T MAKE THEM OUT AND HE DIDN’T REPEAT THEM OVER AND OVER LIKE HE DID THE PHRASE I JUST WROTE ABOUT.  HE STOPPED AND THEN TALKED ABOUT HOW HE HAD PLANS FOR HER AND HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME.  HE WENT ON TO ADD THAT HE HAD TAKEN WEEKS TO BUILD SOMETHING JUST FOR HER AND THAT SHE HAD RUINED IT JUST LIKE ALL WHORES RUIN EVERYTHING.  HE SEEMED TO BE CRYING OR AT LEAST IT SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS SOBBING.  HE CLIMBED OUT AND STARTED PICKING UP ROCKS AND THROWING THEM AT HER BODY IN THE GRAVE (BIG RELEASE).  THEN HE STARTED WALKING FURTHER UP THE SIDE OF THE CREEK AND COMING BACK WITH LARGER STONES AND PIECES OF WOOD.  HE WOULD PLACE THE STONES ABOVE HIS HEAD AND SLAM THEM INTO THE HOLE AND HE USED THE WOOD AS SPEARS AND SHOT THEM INTO THE HOLE AS HARD AS HE COULD WHILE YELLING ‘WHORE’ SO LOUDLY I THOUGHT IT WOULD BRING OTHER PEOPLE TO WHERE WE WHERE.  WHEN HE SEEMED TOO EXHAUSTED TO CONTINUE HE QUITELY FILLED THE HOLE WITH DIRT.  THIS TOOK A REALLY LONG TIME HE KEPT STOPPING FOR SCREAMS OF ANGER AND WOULD JUMP DOWN INTO THE HOLE AND STOMP HIS FEET.  THEN HE WOULD BREATH HEAVILY AND SCOOP DIRT INTO THE HOLE.  EVENTUALLY I GUESS HE DID ENOUGH AND STARTED TO CLIMB OUT OF THE CREEK BED ON MY SIDE AND I FOLLOWED HIM TO THE TRUCK HE LET ME IN ON HIS SIDE AND I SCOOTED OVER TO THE PASSENGER SIDE, I HEARD THE SHOVEL CLANK IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK.  HE GRIPPED THE STEERING WHEEL FOR A VERY LONG TIME AND SAID JUST AS IF IT WAS REGULAR CONVERSATION, “DON’T LET A WHORE DO YOU WRONG, THEY ALWAYS DO YOU WRONG” (HUGE RELEASE)  WE DROVE INTO THE DARK SINCE HE WOKE ME IN THE MORNING IM GUESSING WE MUST HAVE BEEN IN THE CREEK ALL DAY AS HE WENT THROUGH HIS SADISTIC PROCESS OF REALIZING HIS LUST TO KILL LOST HIM A VICTIM HE WANTED TO SAVOR.  BOTH MAX AND ROBERT HAD A THING FOR BLONDS AND TOOK GREAT RISKS TO AQUIRE THEM.

I ALSO REMEMBER THAT WHEN I WAS IN THE ACERAGE WITH MAX AND THE MOTHER WHO WAS CHAINED UP KEPT SAYING MY NAME.  I WANTED HER TO STOP I FELT THAT IF SHE KEPT IT UP IT WOULD JUST MAKE MAX MAD AND HE WOULD BEAT ME.  SHE KEPT SAYING THAT SHE WAS NOT MAD AT ME AND NONE OF THIS WAS MY FAULT.  SHE SAID THIS MANY TIMES AND I HAD NO IDEA WHY SHE WAS SAYING THIS I JUST WANTED HER TO STOP BECAQUSE ALL THESE EMOTIONS WHERE OVER COMING ME AND I COULDN’T BREATH AND I WAS LEANED UP AGAINST THE TRUCK TRYING TO HIDE FROM HER AND I COULDN’T STOP THE TEARS ALL THESE EMOTIONS COMING UP WHERE LIKE A TORTURE I COULDN’T COMPREHEND IT FELT LIKE SHE WAS KILLING ME AND I WAS GOING TO DIE IN THAT PASTURE.  THEN MAX SHOWED UP AND TOLD ME TO STOP ACTING LIKE A ‘PUSSY’ HE THEN THROUGH ME INTO THE TRUCK AND I HELD MY EYES CLOSED AND PUT MY HANDS OVER MY EARS.  WHEN WE DROVE FROM THAT SIDE OF THE PASTURE TO THE OTHER JUST A FEW HUNDRED YARDS AWAY I PUT MY HANDS DOWN AND WONDERED WHY I WAS CRYING.  MAX SAID NOTHING HE JUST GOT OUT AND WAS FEEDING THE COWS THEIR SUPPLEMENTS.  I WONDERED IF BEES HAD STUNG ME OR IF I HAD GOTTEN INTO FIREANTS SINCE MY BODY FELT LIKE IT WAS BURNING AND MY EYES HAD DIFFICULTY FOCUSING. 

THE DAY AFTER THE FLASHBACK HAVING TO DO WITH THE MOTHER I SLEPT FROM ABOUT 4AM UNTIL 8:30PM YES PM.  I WAS SO EXHAUSTED AND ACHED SO MUCH THAT I JUST COULDN’T WAKE UP.  I FELT SO GOOD AND EVEN TEXTED PEOPLE THAT I WAS FEELING GREAT.  THEN AFTER A FEW HOURS OF BEING AWAKE ADDIITIONAL PARTS OF THE FLASHBACK STARTED BLEEDING THROUGH AND THE DAUGHTER SAGA STARTED.  I HAVE BEEN IN TREMENDOUS PAIN THESE LAST SEVERAL DAYS AND EVEN NOW WITH THESE RELEASES I STILL FEEL THE ACHE IN MY BONES. 

I HAVE A THEORY THAT WITNESSING THESE MURDERS BY THE PEOPLE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE SAFEST WITH HAS REALLY LED TO MY ISSUES WITH INTIMACY.  I WOULD FORGET THAT THEY WHERE CAPABLE OF SUCH HEINAUS THINGS AND I WOULD TRUST THEM AND THEN BE SO SHOCKED BY WHAT THEY JUST DID AS IF IT WAS THE FIRST TIME.  I WAS VERY AWARE OF MOST OF THE ABUSE THEY PERPATRATED ON A DAILY BASIS AND THAT I WAS ASHAMED OF THEM SO MUCH THAT I KEPT NEW PEOPLE AWAY.  THE KIDS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD ALREADY KNEW WHO THEY WHERE BUT SOME OF THEM SUFFERED SIMILARLY.

THIS WAS A LOT AND I HOPE THAT I AM CLEAN I SAW THE ABDUCTION OF BOTH VICTIMS AND THE END RESULT OF AT LEAST ONE.  IT MAY RESULT IN THAT THERE IS MORE ABOUT THE MOTHERS DEATH BUT I FEEL SHE HAD TO TAKE THE PLACE OF THE DAUGHTER IN REGARDS TOO MAX’S DESIRE TO SAVOR SOMEONES PAIN FOR AN EXTENDED TIME.  IM NOT SURE WHAT HE BUILT BUT MY THOUGHTS ARE THAT HE PUIT TOGATHER SOME TYPE OF DUNGEON WHERE HE COULD HAVE KEPT THE DAUGHTER AND DRAWN OUT HIS SADISTIC DESIRES

HAPPY