JOURNAL ENTRY: BURIED BUT NOT DEAD 2026

 

I am remembering now how I would pass out or lie in a dissociative state and Robert didn’t know what to do with me and he would bury me.  I wouldn’t be as deep as the others that he killed but it would be a few feet.  I recall now how he would cry and hold me and try to get me to speak and I was too far gone into the depths of my own mind and then he would reluctantly bury me after a great deal of waiting and holding me.  To me I was trapped in a nether world of fluidity that wouldn’t allow me to take enough of a shape to break free.  Like in the movie Snatch in 2000 where the character played by Brad Pitt, Mickey One Punch O’Neil was knocked into a semi-conscious state and figuratively had to break from the embryonic fluid of a concussed mind to throw a punch at his opponent.  This is how that moment felt for me.  I was trapped behind that symbolic membrane and couldn’t move any part of my body to communicate.  I was in that frozen stupor and my father thought I was dead and he couldn’t revive me.  I can recall the dirt coming down upon me and unlike other victims he did not burn me in my grave.  His sorrow was real and it made me want to connect with him and to embrace his face as he had it so close to mine and his tears dropped upon me with such heat.  (This is a huge release and wow the tension that is exiting this worn and torn body.)  My brain already had a pocket at such an early age I must have been a toddler at this time and forced out into the wilderness by Glenda who would threaten to kill me.  I am not sure when this behavior of his quelled through inspiration or the casual acts of trial and error.  So many times, I made it out of those holes.  I wasn’t driving the body it was like the movie Inside Out in 2015 where the child Riley has a control panel of emotions behind her eyes.  I was in such a place, but it was a bubble and other forces kept my bubble in place as I attempted to free myself.  I can recall now in full flashback mode how a few times he threw my tiny body into ravines and it was winter and my unitard styled winter wear protected me a great deal.  I crawled out of that pace too and sometimes I landed in water and in my brain, it was like many drivers had taken over my body and each in turn did a specific task aimed at my survival.  During that event when I had crawled out, he was gone he had been in Max’s farm truck and then it began to sleet and snow, and the wind was wet and intense as I huddled by a tree.  Someone inside me found refuge down the ravines slop leaned up against a tree to avoid the intense wind.  Then in the sunlight I heard the ruck again and I walked out and there was Robert feeding these cows.  My outfit was baby blue and my quilted hat white and somehow, I knew to walk past these cows that were huge to me and present myself to him.  He didn’t miss a beat he scooped me up and hugged me and placed me in the truck.  That journey through the cows had me petrified inside my body and I walked like Grogu the baby Yoda from the television series Mandalorian in 2025.  (Just a side note I had boys in my house at this time, and they loved watching the Mandalorian in all its manifestations as well as the Clone Wars.  Two of them were high functioning autistics and had been in my life since before the pandemic.  How they debated like nerds over the interrelatedness of Grogu and Skywalker and the themes of the books translated into a television show.  This was a happy memory in the midst of all this trauma.)  Inside me another energy walked me through those ginormous angus cattle as they dropped their heads to smell me and then would jerk and bolt due to their unfamiliarity with my smell.  The flashing is so fast right now it’s like images developing from negatives in midair as the paparazzi of my mind show me the scoops they have uncovered.  He threw my small body down a water well that had been made of stone.  One layer after another of river rocks lined the interior of that well and it had no water at the bottom.  I bounced back and forth the diameter was not large and in this scene in my head I am going down in that same baby blue winter unitard in winter, but I climbed out on a spring day wearing tattered shirt and shorts.  Meaning that this scene is an introduction to something else.  I am sure it will play out overtime.  I am concluding this saga now on May 23^rd, 2026, at 6:14am.  All the imagery had dried up, and this well has run dry too lol.)