CPTSD cold case

    PAST FLASHBACKS KEEP PUSHING THROUGH SINCE MY LAST JOURNAL ENTRY WHICH WAS VERY RECENT THAT FLASHBACK HAS BEEN DEVELOPING AND THEN TODAY ANOTHER FLASHBACK THAT I HAVE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH KEEPS PUSHING THROUGH.   THE CURRENT ONE IN MY HEAD IS THE EVENT THAT HAPPENED AT SAM HOUSTON JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL IN THE FOOTBALL LOCKER ROOM.   WHERE THE VICE PRINCIPLE HAD THAT MEXICAN GIRL IN THE HOT SHOWER AND KEPT PUSHING HER INTO THE HOT WATER TELLING HER THAT SHE NEEDED TO BE CLEAN.   I REMEMBER THAT THE VICE PRINCIPAL BEAT ME AND KICKED ME MANY TIMES IN MY CHEST AND STOMACHE.   WHATS BEING ADDED IN ADDITION TO WHAT I HAVE ALREADY RECALLED IS THAT WHEN HE STOOD ME UP TO THROW ME OUTSIDE ONCE HE HAD ME OUT OF ROBERTS SITE HE TOOK MANY EXTRA FIST SHOTS TO MY BACK AND BELLY.   HE RAGED UPON ME WITH ALL THE STRENGTH HE HAD KNOCKING THE BREATH OUT OF ME BEFORE HE THREW ME OUT THE DOOR AND INTO THAT PUDDLE.   A PART OF ME THOUGHT I WAS DROWNING AND I...

    MORE FLASHBACKS MORE VICTIMS IT’S A COLD 42 DEGREES OUTSIDE AND IT’S BEEN RAINING SINCE LAST NIGHT.   I HAVE BEEN UNDER SUCH STRESS THAT I GOT MY DAYS MIXED UP AND THOUGHT TODAY WAS TUESDAY.   EDDIE IS WITH ME AND WE ARE AT STARBUCKS ONCE AGAIN.   THIS IS A LOT OF JOURNALING IN A VERY SHORT PERIOD OF TIME AND IT MAKES MY BONES ACHE TO HAVE SO MANY UPSETTING IMAGES PUSH THROUGH.   I AM HOPING THAT THIS WILL BE THE LAST FOR SOME TIME BUT AS I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY HISTORY IT WILL BE WHATEVER IT WANTS I JUST ALONG FOR THE RIDE.   I FIND MY SELF EXHAUSTED AND IN GREAT PAIN FROM THIS LAST JOURNAL ENTRY MY DAYS ARE JUST SUFFERING, INTERRUPTED BY A FEW HOURS OF SLEEP AND THEN REPEAT. DURING A RIDE TO SHERMAN WHEN I WAS ABOUT 10 ROBERT STARTED TO BLURT AS HE OFTEN DID AND HE BEGAN TO EXPLAIN THAT SOMETIMES MAX MADE HIM DIG HOLES ON THE ACREAGE.   HE THEN BEGAN TO EXPLAIN HOW IT WAS HOT AND HE HAD TO WORK ON THESE HOLES UNTIL MAX WAS SATISFIE...

    LIZA MINNELLI MADE ME FORGET MYSELF WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND GLENDA HAD BEEN TURTURING ME ALL DAY EITHER WITH HER WORDS OR PHYSICALLY AND WE WHERE ABOUT TOGO SOMEWHERE OR BE AROUND OTHERS SHE WOULD SUDDENLY TURN NICE.   SHE WOULD USE NICER WORDS AND ACTIONS; SHE WOULD GO FROM TRYING TO SCRATCH ME TO HOLDING ME CLOSE AND RUNNING HER HANDS THROUGH MY HAIR AND TALKED ABOUT GETTING ICE CREAM OR HOW SPECIAL I WAS TOO HER.   THIS WOULD CONFUSE ME SO MUCH THAT I WOULD OFTEN ACT UP AND ACT OUT AND THEN WHEN SHE DID HAVE ME AROUND OTHERS OR IN A PUBLIC PLACE, I WOULD BE ANTI-SOCIAL.   I DIDN’T KNOW IF THE OTHERS WOULD TURN ON ME, OFTEN SHE WOULD TELL OTHER PEOPLE HOW HORRABLE I WAS AND PLAY IT LIKE SHE WAS THIS HUMBLE SAINT WHO PUT UP WITH ME.   I WOULD HEAR CONVERSATIONS OTHER WOMEN PRIMARILY WOULD HAVE WITH HER AND THEY WOULD SUGGEST ALL SORTS OF PUNISHMENTS FOR ME AND THEN THEY WOULD GLARE AT ME AND TREAT ME LIKE I WAS AN UNGRATFUL BEHAVIOR PROBLEM. ...

    HOW MANY PERVERTS KNEW MY NAME ROBERT, GLENDA, MAX, AND EDITH KEPT SEEING ME IN STUPORS SO INTENSE THAT THEY HAD TO PHYSICALLY INTERVENE TO GET ME BACK TO INTERACTION AND YET THEY ALWAYS DENIED EITHER THE ABUSE ALL TOGATHER OR THE LEVEL OF ABUSE.   DISSOCIATION IS A HIGH LEVEL OF TRAUMA SYMPTOMOLOGY.   I KNOW EDITH EXPERIENCED THAT STUPOR I SAW IT OCCURE WHEN THEY WHERE RAPING THAT WOMAN AT THE HOUSE WHO LOST HER TEETH ON THE FROZEN PORCH.   I HAVE SEEN THAT STUPORESS SHOCK ON NANA AND MAMMY’S FACE TOO WHEN ROBERT AND GLENDA WERE TRYING TO GET NANA TO GIVE THEM MONEY SHE INHERITED FROM HER FATHER AND WERE PUTTING MAMMY’S FEET TO THE OPEN FLAME HEATER.   I SAW GLENDA IN THAT STUPOR WHEN MR. AND MRS. ALFORD WHERE AT THE HOUSE TORTURING THAT OTHER WOMAN IN THE MASTER BEDROOM MRS ALFORD WAS IN THAT STUPOR TOO BEFORE SHE REALIZED THIS WAS TOO FAR EVEN FOR HER.   NEVER SAW ROBERT OR MAX HAVE THAT STUPOR, IVE SEEN BOTH SEVERAL TIMES LOCKED IN THE...